A full-time job, the holidays, and the process of becoming a professional musician

It's halfway through December, and the preparations for the holidays is in full swing. Benaroya looks gorgeous right now, I have to say. There are silver and blue decorated garlands and wreaths everywhere, and every night brings a different holiday-themed production.

It's been fun transitioning to full-time work right as the holidays are coming up. There haven't been many days where I ponder how I'm supposed to fill 35 hours worth of work time, since every week brings new big projects to get done. I most recently was tasked with a rather large project of moving everyone who purchased tickets to a lecture in our smaller hall (~550 seats) into comparable seats in our large auditorium (~2500 seats). Every day is different, but I'm starting to have the occasional work-related dream/nightmare, so I guess that means I'm putting my time in! I'll be a little sad when the new year comes and the box office quiets down before subscription renewal time...there's something fun about trying to keep ahead of all this stuff! Plus, coming to work is my favorite excuse to feel festive with all the decorations.

I wish I had a Christmas tree at home to decorate. Unfortunately, the hose on our vacuum (Mom, I just had to type it both ways to remember if it's two u's or two c's. I'm pointing to you on this one.) decided to rip apart, so for now, we're without one. This led to the decision that getting a live tree, no matter how small, would cause a mess that we would have no way to clean up. It's okay, maybe next year will get to be a festive year!

I think I'm looking forward to New Year's Eve the most of all the holidays this year. While Thanksgiving was a quiet family affair (with delicious food!), and Christmas will most likely be low-key due to being smashed between two work days, NYE looks to prove itself a grand time. I'm hoping to get to go to the concert and after-party that Seattle Symphony is hosting, and also to use it as an excuse to pull out one of my recital gowns. I'll probably be overdressed, but on such an amazing occasion (which starts with the main theme from Star Wars!!!), why not go a little overboard?

It's also amazing to realize that with the new year comes loan repayments, as I've now been out of school for nearly six months. Where has the time gone? While it doesn't exactly feel like yesterday that I was giving my senior recital, I still feel like part of me is waiting for the day I'll be "out in the world." Apparently my brain hasn't realized that has happened. I'm not a student, but I'm not a working professional either...even though I am.

Chris and I had a long discussion over the last few days about what it's like to be out of school and just maintaining a job. It's amazing how much you learn about yourself when you're not spending every waking moment worried about school, life, music, friends, etc. I have a lot more quiet time to sit and think about what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. It's actually a relief to have the chance to really come to terms with what drives me to be a professional classical musician.

I'm definitely a work in progress, but I would hope that's how all of us should be. No one is interesting when they've become stagnant and unwilling to change their ways as they progress in life. I'm enjoying finding out what makes me, me. Results are yet to be determined, but I'm sure someday I'll figure it out! The one adjective I'm beginning to see stand out for me (at least in what other people say) is tenacious. I'm content with that one!

I'm also happy to say that lessons are going well, and that while all my time is spent working on the most basic things, my playing has gotten exponentially better. Funny how you can improve a ton on a wind instrument when you learn how to properly use your air. At my most recent lesson, I think I may have actually impressed my teacher, since I successfully used all the skills we had been working on for the entire lesson and did it with musicality while playing a movement from the first Bach Cello Suite. Paraphrased, he said something to the effect of, "If you can keep that up, you're really close to your goal." I'll take it! Now to get back to the awesome trend of practicing before work and often during my lunch break. It's a slower path to getting on to grad school, but I'm still chugging along!  

The ups and downs we face

I have exciting news to share:

For the first time in a long while, I am completely out of credit card debt! I was worried that I wouldn't have my debt paid off before student loans kick into gear in January, but at least the most expensive layer of it has been! (I still have money owed for my horn, but that's a manageable amount) I also am proud to report that I cut up the card that has cost me the most money over the last couple years.

The unfortunate other side of the coin is that I just found out what my medical bills will be for an uninsured visit to the ER a couple weeks ago. I'm hoping and praying that there will be financial aid available, and a decent payment plan. Otherwise I will most definitely need to defer loan payments for a few months while I figure this all out.

Have I mentioned adulthood is hard?

~Allison

More major life changes

It's amazing how much life can just keep changing. In fact, it boggles my mind how many times I've updated my blog this year with a discussion about how life is changing. Perhaps this is normal considering I just finished up college and have joined the real world.

I recently got promoted at my job working in the box office for the symphony. I'm now a full-time employee, which means more hours, plus benefits, a monthly bus pass, and my own desk! I even got a plant for my desk, since I decided it needed a little color.

(Yes, that is a stuffed lobster on the divider between my desk and my coworkers. No, I don't know why it's there...)

This also meant that I have enough income to only have one job. I haven't had nearly enough time to practice my horn, so it will be a relief to know that each week I'll be working a maximum of 40 hours, rather than averaging around 45. It was bittersweet turning in my two-weeks notice at Starbucks, after working there for a year and a half. On one hand, I'll be glad to stop having outrageously early mornings and always looking terrible after getting done with a shift, but on the other hand, I'll miss my coworkers a lot.

Meanwhile, life can be summarized as "always being provided for." Major bills suddenly started popping up, but then I got my tuition payment for grad school refunded. Student loans are looming, but I now have the ability to work one full-time, well-paying job.

I like feeling less stressed, and will enjoy getting all that time to practice so soon! (And knit, and spin, and do everything else I miss getting to do)

~Allison

Tidbit of the day

I had a nice Australian man pull me aside in Target to ask my opinion on canned pumpkin pie fillings. Apparently as an American, I have discerning tastes. Or at least I would know what the difference was between the two.

Glad to know that my country of birth gives me the knowledge necessary to create a pumpkin pie, but not from scratch. (*laughing*)

Educating the public

I have AD/HD. I'm not hyperactive; my subset of the condition is primarily inattentive type. I was diagnosed in 7th grade, and tried a couple different types of medications until finding the one that worked best for my needs. I'm pretty open about this, mostly because while I don't think it "defines" me as a person, it does impact how I live my life.

Recently, I found out I would be without medical insurance coverage for about a month. (I also managed to visit a hospital within hours of not having coverage...because that was a good idea :P More on that later) Because of the short notice, I was unable to get prescription coverage for my AD/HD medication, and will not be able to do so until my new coverage from work kicks into effect in December.

I do pretty well making up for not having the meds. I generally do my best to grab a cup of coffee to help me focus at least a little, and to make up for the higher rate of exhaustion that I end up feeling. I make sure to sleep more, to help my brain recharge. And I make sure I always have post-it notes everywhere at work to take notes when tons of information is getting thrown at me at once.

Today, in the bi-monthly meeting at work, I was working to concentrate, and needed something physical to occupy the distracted portions of my brain. I grabbed a pen and a post-it, and started drawing curly cues. My boss, standing beside me, whispered loudly, "Allison, concentrate on the meeting!"

Now, this puts me in a tough spot. Don't get me wrong, I'll keep my mouth shut about the reason why I was doodling, and not retort that I was paying attention. But there is that overwhelming urge to educate said manager that it actually was more distracting for her to reprimand me and distract me from the conversation in the room than it was for my absent-minded drawing. I don't want to make excuses about how my neural synapses send plenty of messages, but that their arrival at their final destination is as reliable as USPS during a snowstorm. (Nothing against postal workers. I think you guys do great work.) I just got frustrated having someone assume that I was zoning out when I was actually doing what I could to concentrate.

A couple years ago, while in college, I had a professor do something similar. She pulled me aside outside of class one day, and made a remark basically telling me how much she disapproved of the fact that I was knitting in her class during lectures. I took the chance to explain to her that during lectures, I find it really hard to pay attention for any length of time, and taking notes ends up derailing me more than keeping me on track. So, I told her, my coping mechanism was to knit something simple and mindless to help keep the rest of my brain going in the right direction. Coincidentally, the class I was taking was Psychology of Music, so I suppose I would have hoped that a psychology/music professor would be understanding. (She was, post-explanation.)

It bothers me when people say that I definitely couldn't be AD/HD, because I'm not bouncing off the walls. Or when someone tells me that they think that it doesn't really exist because some person in their family told them so. Or that the medication is a stupid idea because some person they know who got diagnosed with it found out they could function better without it than with it. Every person is different. Just because a lot of my friends can drink 3 or 4 alcoholic drinks without getting drunk doesn't mean I can, so why would anyone assume that all people with AD/HD would take the same medications, or function the same way.

The world we live in isn't as compromising to different methods of working than it used to be. Look at our school system: Sit still in a desk for 6+ hours a day, with few breaks (especially in secondary school), and being expected to take notes, understand information, and spew it back onto very structured tests. I thrived when I got to college because I got to set my schedule, and my major was a lot more flexible. Now it's back to that world of sitting still for X-amount of hours a day, processing information and spewing it back into the correct format. It's not hard, but it can be challenging, especially without the help of medication to get those messages from the synapses to the receptors.

The point of all of this? If you don't know about the way someone's brain works, don't assume they're purposely ignoring you because they're doodling on a piece of paper. They might actually be doing exactly what they need to do to pay the best attention to you.

The little things that count

Sometimes, it ends up being all about the little happy things in your day that make it a good day. When you have the schedule I do for the next couple weeks, those little things begin to be what you cling to.

I warned one of my managers this week as soon as I got my second job's schedule that I might get a little crazy next week, after I'll have been working for well over a week straight. In fact, technically as far as I have scheduled, I'm working for two weeks straight without a single true day off. Chris reminded me that now my half days are going to have to become my mental days off, considering most of the time I have most of the day to myself, while popping into work for 3-5 hours at some point in the day.

With that set up placed, I've already started getting tired, and we're only on day three. Part of that is my own fault for staying up later than I should have last night (because who isn't pumped up after playing Shostakovitch and Berlioz?), and part of it was due to a not-great night of sleep.

I made the executive decision today that I would need to grab a coffee at the Starbucks just down the hallway from work, and since I forgot to buy breakfast groceries yesterday, needed to grab breakfast too. When I got to the counter, both baristas looked at my face and asked if I wanted a double shot in my mocha rather than just the single. Because I'm on the broke side, I knew I really couldn't afford the extra shot, and I probably wouldn't need it anyway. Well, apparently the barista making my drink "accidentally" pushed the double shot button rather than the single. I didn't argue, but I did smile about her thoughtfulness (whether on purpose, or not).

When I did get into the office, I found out that I was the morning person on the window, which isn't really my favorite, but it generally is a quiet place to be. (Seeing as I'm currently updating my blog after doing all of my side tasks...) My first customer of the morning was an elderly man and his wife who had waited for months to hear about the In the Mood performance in March, and upon hearing that sales started at 10 am this morning, decided to wait right at my window to make sure he could get exactly the seat he always sits in. Most of the time those types of people can be really hard to deal with, but he and his wife were very patient (I think they could see the coffee beside my computer and the dark circles under my eyes), had a great sense of humor, and in general were a good way to start my day.

Of course, like any day, it's had its ups and downs. I've now spent three hours on this blog, which means different events keep happening. I did just have the opportunity to have a several minute conversation with the new Associate Conductor of SSO, who is a mere 7 years older than I am. I asked him how he did it, after prefacing my question by stating that I was going to be candid. He started his sentence with, "Well, when I went to Julliard..." I think there's no choice where I should go to graduate school if I want to get somewhere...or something. That will be something to ponder. For someone who is already so successful in their career though, he's super friendly and down to earth.

I also can't be too unhappy about this day because I may have just gotten contacted for a gig. It means fudging my work schedule (again) and now stretching a long weekend of performances into two weeks of performances, but how can you complain? Here's to hoping this all works out...though if the mood swings of all of today's revelations continue, I think I might go batty.

I didn't really intend this post to become an ongoing status update of sorts when I started it. I really only wanted to post a little tidbit of happiness, and then interesting things kept happening. The whole point being that as long as I keep focusing on the positive, I will be able to keep optimistic, even when life is getting a bit crazy.

To my friends currently in school...

I wanted you to know I commend you. I'm proud of you. And I'm a little bit jealous, too.

It's easy to settle into the post-college mindset of working full-time, and pondering how hard your life is. Gosh, weren't those the days when all you had to do was get up, look presentable, and head to a large room to listen to someone talk at you at length about something they are an expert of?

The reality, I'm realizing, is that while working full-time is difficult, so was school. And while in comparison to what I'm doing now, school seemed simple, I also remember how much I wished to just go join the "real world" and be working rather than just doing homework. The type of difficulty is different.

I recently got reminded that working full-time isn't superior to going to school full-time. And with that reminder came the acknowledgment that I had recently become downright condescending of people who were students. I was wrong. To be blunt, you guys are working your asses off, and with little tangible reward. I, at least, work lots of hours and end up with some type of paycheck. And when I get done with work, I don't have to go home and do more of it.

I miss the flexibility I had in college the most. My professors were amazingly understanding when I would inform them that I might miss a lecture because of the opportunity to play a gig that coincided. Jobs aren't nearly as understanding.

I have more time to have hobbies. I have less time to build up my embouchure and work on my actual music career. My life revolves around the paychecks coming in, and the checks I'm writing to pay that money away. It's a little depressing, and a little freeing, because it leaves decisions up to me. I'm learning lessons that I wish I had learned in college about the consequences of not paying attention to my money, and realizing that having fun now when I can't afford it, leads to even less fun further down the road. I hated hearing that from others, but now it's my turn to state it.

Growing up is hard. Life is hard. But my goal is to learn from it, and keep moving forward!

P.S. If anyone was interested in seeing me play, I've got a whole herd of performances coming up in November! Wagner, Shostakovitch, Ewazen, and more!

A day of misadventures...

I'm not very graceful, unless I'm dancing. Similarly, I have a tendency to get myself into situations rather clumsily, and always seem to get back out of them with even less grace. Today was just one of those days...

When working down at the symphony, we have special access to some of the restrooms up just outside one of the performance halls. They're down a long hallway, with the entrance to the men's restroom just before the drinking fountains, and the women's further down the hall after them.

Ever since I got hired, and started actively using the restroom, I've had a fear of walking into the wrong bathroom when in a particularly absent-minded state of being. Never mind the fact that there's rarely anyone else in the bathrooms, I've always worried about the embarrassment just to myself of moseying right into the wrong fancy bathroom.

Well, all the set-up aside, today I did it. I was totally spacing out as I walked, and ducked right into the men's restroom. The problem is, not only did I not realize that I had walked into the wrong bathroom, but my boss (a man, if you were wondering) was standing in said bathroom, washing his hands. (I know...thank God he was only washing his hands!) It took my brain a couple seconds to figure out what I was seeing, and then a couple seconds of 'Oh! Hi!' and getting a weird look from him for me to look to my right and realize I was looking at urinals. I'm not sure my face could have gotten more red. I booked it right out of that bathroom, while giggling incessantly while explaining how long I had feared doing that very thing. I wasn't sure if I wanted to cry or just laugh for a long, long time.

Well, work was busy up until the very end, after which I hurried up and over the hill to go to a rehearsal for a trio for a friend's senior recital. The rehearsal went very well, but of course, being me, I wasn't paying close attention to what I was doing. Said friend was kind enough to offer me a ride to the transfer point for the bus, but not three blocks from school, I realized that I had left my cell phone in the string studio. The string studio that was now locked. The locked string studio for which no one at school had the key. Except campus security. Campus security, whose phone number was saved in my phone. *sigh* So, a hilarious misadventure of trying to contact them by looking them up on the SPU website on a computer inside the music building, and calling them using a dying cell phone ensued.

Let's just say I'm happy to be home, and to have my iPhone sitting beside me, right in my sight. And to be back to my house where the bathrooms don't have gender assignments. It's just been one of those days...

The downside of being busy

I've been busy. Ridiculously busy. And trust me, I wouldn't give anything up about it, considering how much I hate being bored. Free time has become an enemy of sorts, since even one day off will leave me wondering what I should be doing with my time.

Well, now I've found myself with two jobs, and three gigs that are all in performance or rehearsal mode. This coming week, I have one evening where I have nothing going on...or I should say, had nothing going on, since I managed to schedule in going to the symphony that night.

The busy-ness doesn't really hit me until I realize that other friends are doing stuff like going out for drinks and having parties on the weekends, kind of like we did in college. I'm not sure I'll get to be that person in my twenties, considering I almost always work weekends...and if I'm not working weekends, I'm playing some kind of gig on the weekend.

It makes me wonder if I'm missing out on some vital piece of my youth. I'm probably overstating the importance of a social life, but my generation seems to hold having an active social life in high regard. Even in high school, I remember the importance of the fun parties on the weekends, or going over to a friend's house on a Friday night after school got out to get to spend the night. I didn't do a lot of that, since most of high school I was an out-of-district kid, so most of my friends thought I lived out in the boonies. Side note, I still lived in the actual city of Yakima, but past where the bus ran...oh, inconvenience.

Books have always been my friends, and more recently, fiber arts have taken up a lot of my free time. I want to start sewing again, though I'm not sure where in my life I would stick that in.

Anyway, I guess the question I've started posing for myself is whether having a social life would make that big of a difference in my life, or is it better to just concentrate on work and my career? At this point, I don't really have money to spend going out for drinks or eating out with friends, so why not just keep my nose to the grindstone and work on getting out of debt? Maybe I'll get around to my social life later?

Anyway, this has just been another session of musing while it's slow at work. I'll check in at a later date and let you all know the conclusion I come to...if I ever do.

~Allison

Taking advantage of a mid-week day off!

I feel like true days off are becoming wonderful mini-holidays for me. And for all of those in my life, because it means that I'm actually getting out of my little work-centered world, and instead having adventures! I had a fun trip this morning, so I thought my wonderful friends and family might like a break from the constant updates about work.

I got to have a morning out on the town today! Chris (my boyfriend, in case you missed that update) decided to take me out for a mid morning brunch, and we went to Lowell's, one of the restaurants in Pike Place Market. I had standard breakfast fare: scrambled eggs, bacon, hash browns, and toast, with a glass of orange juice. We got to sit at a table with a view over Elliot Bay, and discussed the ferries coming and going between Bainbridge Island and Bremerton and Seattle.

We walked around the market for a little bit, enjoying the fact that it was relatively empty since it was a weekday morning. Chris steered me down into the lower levels of the Market, and we dropped in to the comic book store to pick up another Star Wars poster. He already has a reprint of the original Return of the Jedi poster, but with a little rearranging, found room on the wall for both other posters from the original trilogy. He only bought The Empire Strikes Back's poster, citing A New Hope's poster as reason to go back another time.

We didn't stick for too much longer in the Market because one of my goals for coming downtown was to try and find a good winter wool coat before the temperatures start to plunge. When I went through my wardrobe in preparation for moving to Switzerland, I had realized that a couple of my old coats just weren't up to snuff any more, and had been planning to get a new one before I left. I've always wanted a good quality black pea coat, and decided to swing by Nordstrom Rack to find one while I was downtown. Turns out it's hard to find a wool coat in September in Seattle at the Rack, so I turned to the great downtown Macy's (which is huge, if you've never been), and not only found an awesome new pea coat for much less than I had budgeted, but also three new tops for work that put me right within my original budget. And, I have to be proud of this fact...Chris actually pointed out one of those three tops, asking, "Hey, isn't that something you would wear?" Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!

After shopping success, we ran back to the Market to swing by Le Panier (an awesome French bakery) to pick up two big loaves of bread as our final errand. Overall, one of the more fun and productive mornings off I've had, and I still managed to get some cleaning done and a couple other errands run this afternoon, after kicking a particularly awful headache when I got home.

Not much else to report, other than a really early day tomorrow, opening at one job, then going and working another shift at the second job...but then I get to dress up and go out on the town for a concert entirely of music composed by Ravel at the symphony that night! Super excited!!! Then comes a hellish weekend, with a show late Friday night, opening at job #1 on Saturday morning, then pulling a 9.5 hour shift at job #2, then probably coming home and crashing until my show on Sunday (which is a matinee). Yup, this girl goes hard.

Hopefully see you all on the other side!
~Allison

Life, as it probably will be for a while...

I do a lot of these posts. I'm realizing that these occasional updates often start with a title about life that sounds reflective and possibly somber, but really, just expect a long blurb about what's going on. Yup, this blog has become that interesting, especially now that I'm done with school.

Speaking of being done with school, it's really weird. All summer I've struggled with the idea that I'm no longer going to sit in a desk or a practice room for hours upon hours five days a week. The reality that I would most likely end up working two jobs seemed daunting.

Well, I've finally settled in. It's been a long first week of juggling my schedule, but I survived a work week that was six days long and somewhere in the realm of 50 hours of work. Whew! It also included three days of rehearsals, and the opening night of a musical. Sleep has been at a premium, and I've found myself having way too many dreams about work as I train at my new job in the box office at Seattle Symphony (which, may I mention, is kind of a minor dream come true?).

Normal grown-up life is definitely different from that which I lived as a student, but I think I'm actually enjoying it more. I love the freedom to do what I need to do, and not having some large portion of my paycheck getting thrown into the incidental costs of school such as books or sheet music. HOWEVER, I'll admit, that freedom is going to be short-lived, considering student loans will go into repayment sooner than later. In the meantime, my goal is to make sure that by January, I'm financially in a place to pay for my monthly loan payments, as well as my other bills, with some money actually in my savings (for probably the first time in four years...oops). Here's to crossing my fingers that it works out! At this rate, working the hours I am, I'm hopeful that I'll be set for loans and maybe even getting a car someday soon...hope springs eternal...

In the meantime, life itself is good, though my only source of social life is through my housemates and my coworkers, but in some ways, I'm getting used to it. It's not necessarily perfect, but this extrovert is learning to accept that introverted-ness can be good, especially when all day is spent talking to customers and coworkers. And, maybe, just maybe, because of downtime at work, I may start updating my blog regularly again! But, don't hold your breath...

Two more shows this weekend, a rehearsal for a trio on Monday, and then we start all over again! Work work work work work play horn work work.

Until I come up with more interesting things to talk about!

Allison

Long overdue for an update

 Last everyone had heard, I was working my butt off to get to grad school, with two jobs and no social life. Well, I'm down to one job. My same old job, actually. And I still kind of don't have a social life, but I'm enjoying some of the quiet that comes from that. Lots of reading and knitting happening on my few days off.

Here's the gist of what's going on with life:

After a lot of consideration, especially in terms of where I was financially, I realized that I was not prepared to head off to Switzerland in September. Yeah, it really is disappointing, but I'm glad that I faced reality, and didn't try to go in spite of my preparation. And in the meantime, I can use the year to practice and get lessons in while taking gigs and the like to keep my face up. I would hope that I'll be an even better horn player because of the time.

I also have decided to stay with Starbucks. I've been averaging 25-30 hours of work each week, and while not totally ideal, it's money in the bank, and gives me time to do the practicing I need to do. It's a big adjustment after a year of working maybe 15 hours around my school schedule, but it's nice to find myself with only one job instead of my traditional 2-3.

One major change to life in Seattle I'm hoping to implement this year will be the addition of a car to my life. I don't like the idea of the bills that will come along with it, but after four years of getting everywhere on the bus, and having to do my grocery trips limited to what I can carry, I'm ready to be able to have the convenience of a car. Now I just have to find a reasonably-priced one.

I've had lots of fun this summer on my days off too! One awesome memory was jumping in a Cessna with Chris and his dad and little sister to fly to Salem for the Amico family reunion. Lots of sun and swimming, and some really fantastic food were all perks, plus it was fun meeting so many nice people.

I'm excited to see what's in store for this next year, even though it wasn't what I originally thought it was going to be. I think the break from school after 17 years straight will be good for my soul (and my brain!), and working in customer service some more probably will motivate me to go right back to the books. Meanwhile, I'll be playing in the SPU orchestra again this year, so if you feel like coming for a listen, you'll know one place to find me! 

~Allison

Still alive!

...and so incredibly busy. I'm still not working as many hours as I want to, but after pulling 49 hours of work last week, and hoping to put in another 56 or so this week, I'm feeling content that I'm getting somewhere. Now if I could just get a few hours where I'm not exhausted to go practice, that would be awesome.

Amazingly, I've officially pulled off a full week without a day off, and am also working this week without any days off. It's kind of thrilling working this hard, though I can't wait to start getting paychecks that back it up.

I'm communicating with most people via text and facebook these days as well, considering there's no telling when I'll actually be available to hang out. All the packing I was doing has come to a standstill for a few days, but I think I'll have time on Wednesday to get some serious work done. I'm pretty sure I may start sleeping with my planner in my arms soon, just so if I wake up from some nightmare about not knowing my schedule, I can reassure myself that I do have everything planned out two weeks in advance.

Well, except for my birthday. It's coming in two and a half weeks, and I have no idea what I want to do, if anything at all. The problem with having a summer birthday: there's no time to stop and celebrate! (Especially if you also include other people in your plans.)

I wish I had interesting anecdotes in this blog, but I think we'll just have to sum it up as "Allie's busy...really, really busy."

Let's make grad school a reality, one insane workweek at a time!

~Allison

Ivy Cutting, Graduation, and a World Cup Qualifier

I realized yesterday that I spend a lot of time on my blog being very philosophical about life, and not actually sharing much news. As grad school is speeding closer every day, I need to start getting used to letting you all know what's actually going on in my life, rather than just my head. Plus, some really fun things happened in the last week that I'd love to share (with pictures!) with family and friends, so they can feel like they're a part of my life.

I apologize ahead of time for the length of this post...it probably should be two or three, but I promise to keep it entertaining!

Ivy Cutting
SPU has a tradition dating back to the 1920s where, on the Friday before Commencement, the graduates gather in caps and gowns around Tiffany Loop, where a short service with hymns and a speaker goes on. At the end, the graduates lift up a long strand of ivy (several long ones tied together, actually) that has been removed from Peterson Hall, and several members of the faculty cut off 6-8 inch sections for each graduate. It's supposed to symbolize all of the seniors moving forward from SPU and sort of cutting ties with the university, though we were informed that it would always be home should we want it to be.

The cutting of the ivy. I had the honor of having Professor Marsh cut my piece (that's my hand).

Of course, it's not fun to have all your ceremonies be solemn, and my group of friends did a fantastic job lightening the atmosphere...perhaps a little too much. But really, when your speaker bases their entire speech on Game of Thrones, and includes tribbles, if you're a geek like all of us, you're going to get excited. We also may have been a bit silly with the ivy...

After the actual Ivy Cutting ceremony were a bunch of different receptions for some of the majors. There was one in Crawford for all the music majors. It was interesting to see who all was graduating together, since only half of those there had been in my original theory class freshman year. A lot of great words of advice were given by professors, and just as many hugs.

Most of the music department taking a group picture. So many people who have touched my life!

We also had some fun, taking a group picture of the three horn players who have been together for four years, and have been quite the power section of the band and orchestra. 

And then Eric and I had one more childish moment. He's definitely become more of my brother than just a friend or colleague. 

The bush never stood a chance! 

That evening, I got to hang out with a couple good friends, making s'mores and drinking some really awesome wine out of plastic sippy cups (without the sippy lid, mind you). It was a relaxing way to key down after a big day, and with even more events to come.

Sara and Jordon's Grad Party

On Saturday, a whole group of us drove up to Snohomish to Jordon and Sara's house to celebrate graduation, and yet again enjoy each others' company for probably the last time for a long while. There was good food and drinks, fun conversation, lots of ping pong and pool, and a relaxing soak in the hot tub. Oh, and a lot of pictures taken of me either eating or gesticulating with my food while talking. Lovely.

Commencement

I was happy to get to walk and sit with my whole group of friends at Commencement, both music majors and all of my science major friends. We were missing two, since they were in different schools within the university, but the majority of us were all in the same row. What used to be a ceremony that in previous years had dragged on endlessly ended up racing past, probably because I actually knew a lot of the 700 undergraduates. I didn't do anything stupid, like trip, when I crossed the stage to receive my "diploma" (just the thing to hold it, actually. They'll send it to me after they check all my grades.), but despite my pronunciation guide, my name was pronounced "koo-kuh-kuh-Kunze!" sigh Ah well, you can't have everything perfect! 

During the ceremony, Eric and I had ended up sitting together (really, it's a bad idea to have us together...we do silly things when bouncing off of each others' impulsive natures), and plotted to go play the recessional. Now, we had been celebrating not playing at graduation for weeks (if not months), but as Eric put it later, band sometimes creates a sort of Stockholm syndrome. So, after the benediction, as the undergraduates were seated and the faculty began to recess, Eric, Victoria, and I jumped up, and booked it over to the band. We jumped right into the horn section, informed our three other horn players that they needed to hand over their horns and move over, and began to play the recessional. Professor Marsh apparently didn't see us slip into the section, which meant he glanced up from his score to see three robed graduates with horns in their hands. We were pretty tickled pink (which is sort of funny, considering the color of our tassels as music majors was baby pink). 

Even though my parents couldn't come to graduation (which was okay with me, considering they came over for my senior recital--the more important event for me), I had a good time with my friends after the ceremony, and many good pictures were taken. I cried a little while saying goodbye to one friend who I won't see for a long while, but otherwise it was a joyful affair. I'm going to miss all of them a lot, but I have high hopes that technology will help us keep in touch.

USMNT vs. Panama 

A disclaimer: I didn't attend this match as a spectator, but instead was working in one of the booths on the first level. Therefore, this will be less about the game itself, and much more about the people, and the general experience as an "outsider" to the event.

Yesterday was my first day working my second job down at Century Link Field. My booth was located right by one of the main entrances, so I had a front row seat to people-watching. The atmosphere was fantastic, even without going into the actual stadium. So many people went all out wearing the American flag, including star-spangled tights, American flag capes, and some really awesome hats. Commemorative scarves were given out to all the fans, and since there were plenty left over, I got one too (and grabbed one for another friend who couldn't go, but was watching at home). 

One of my favorite parts of soccer: tifo! This was the display for last night's game in honor of it being the centennial year of U.S. Soccer

As a Sounders fan, I've had a decent amount of experience as a fan, but I had never seen what fans look like from the other side. Of course there are drunk people. I remember one specific man who walked around in the second half collecting scarves, unwrapping them from the packaging, and putting them around his neck. By the time he walked past my booth, he had about 15 of them around his neck, and several more in his arms still packaged. 

I was a little sad that I couldn't watch the game, but I could have told you much of what was going on just based on the amazing volume of the crowd. Two goals were scored, and the second by Eddie Johnson (who plays for the Seattle Sounders) was deafening from outside the stadium. Some fantastic cheers went on during the game, and when I went back today to watch the match replay, you can hear them loudly and clearly during the broadcast. I'm incredibly proud of the Seattle fans who all came out for the match. They did a great job representing the PNW and the U.S. 

I got off of work right as the match ended, so I ended up leaving the stadium at the same time as the crowd. One major difference I've found between soccer and football in Seattle comes from how the crowd exits. When I go to Seahawk games, the spectators rarely stay through to the very last minute of the game. About half will stick around, but a lot will start filing out as soon as the game is a "sure thing" (either we're destroying the away team, or we're being crushed). This is basically unheard of at a soccer game, which brings the phrase "give us your full 90". The point of this being, I walked out at the same time as over 40,000 hyped up soccer fans. 

We pretty much swarmed into downtown Seattle, as many people take the bus rather than trying to pay for parking. I got to walk with a couple friends who had been at the match, and we walked all the way up to Pike Street to catch the bus. I've rarely seen the Seattle Metro so packed as it was last night. It took about 8 minutes just to get everyone on to my bus back to Ballard. 

Another of my favorite aspects to the soccer atmosphere is how it brings people together. I wore my new scarf home on the bus, and ended up having several good conversations with other people who had been at the game, as well as those who hadn't gone. I even witnessed a guy get a girl's number because they had found a mutual love of soccer and travel during the 20 minute ride from downtown to Ballard. (I was terribly impressed by this, even in my exhausted state.) I love how just a game can bring huge groups of people together, and makes this city become the friendliest place on earth, if only for one night. 

It was exhausting working until 9 pm, and not getting home until 10:30, then turning around to open at 5 this morning, but I think it was worth it. I expect lots of experiences similar to this, however it will be interesting to compare this match to any of the Sounders matches I'll be working at in the future. Nonetheless, it's time to go get ready for work (again). Until later!

Allison

The first day of being a college graduate

It's been a strangely normal morning. I went to work, I got off of work, and now I'm back in my apartment. I have a list of things to do as long as my arm.

But it's not the same.

I gave a final hug to one friend who I won't get to see until she's able to come visit me in Switzerland (or until next summer when I come home to work. Whichever comes first). I got off of work when I normally would have been in my psych class. I realized that the likelihood of my friends coming in to see me at work has suddenly diminished a ton. I have boxes to pack, and a heavy heart realizing that this is the closing of a major chapter in my life.

It's not all sad. I am really excited that I get to put everything in place to allow me to go to a foreign country for grad school. I don't have to deal with the sudden loss of school, because I know that I get to go back, and several weeks earlier than I previously have. I have two jobs, and both are giving me a decent chunk of the hours I need to make the money I'll need. I have family taking time to tell me they love me and that they're proud of me.

Perhaps it will be less strange as the day goes on. I certainly hope that I stop feeling like I might just cry because I don't know how to react to all of these emotions washing over me.

I'm feeling tons of emotions, but most of all, I miss you, friends!

The Road goes ever on and on

Down from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can,

Pursuing it with eager feet,

Until it joins some larger way

Where many paths and errands meet.

And whither then? I cannot say.

Graduation and Reflection

It's time. After four years full of life lessons, tears, love, and growing up, I'm standing at the doorway into the rest of my life. I've always joked that I get an extension on childhood because I'm going to go back to college in just a few months, but in the last month I've realized this isn't true. My introduction to adulthood could be worse, however; it could be a cliff. I could be jumping out into the complete unknown, with no comprehension of what is to come. Instead, however, I imagine it being more like when you're driving through a mountainous area, and the road makes a large turn around one of the peaks, and you can't see what's to come, but you hope that it's more beautiful scenery and winding roads.

I'm lucky to have been working several jobs this year, and getting used to juggling all the pieces of my life. I've been paying bills, learning how to be more frugal, and preparing myself for what is coming. I didn't imagine that it would be quite as intense as this summer will prove to be, but I have hope that everything will work out for the best.

It's amazing to look back over the last four years, especially in reflection of how much I've grown and changed during this period of my life. People joke about not wanting to be friends with themselves if they ever had to meet them, but reading back over blogs from my freshman and sophomore years, I found myself with an overwhelming urge to smack my past self. Goodness. Some things have improved: I'm more introspective, and a better listener. My musicianship has improved exponentially, and I have confidence in myself as a person and as a musician. Some things still need a lot of work: I still am too anxious, and can get pretty obnoxious by misinterpreting social cues. I talk too much, and get lonely too often.

The most amazing thing I've begun to realize this year is the sheer number of people I've had the honor of meeting. By TAing the first-year aural skills class for three years, taking part in as many ensembles as I can, and working several jobs both on and off of campus, I've met more people than I could count off the top of my head. I've had the honor of watching some of the kids I TAed my sophomore year go on to become amazing musicians that inspire me to work harder and reach further in my own playing. I've learned that complete strangers who you meet because they come to your store to buy coffee can become your best supporters and cheerleaders. I've developed relationships with professors that are deeper than the grade they give me, or the lessons they've taught me.

SPU has been an amazing place to grow up. It hasn't always been easy, nor has it been the perfect place to be. Sometimes bureaucracy distracted from learning; drama from relationships; stress from life. But looking back over these last few years, I am glad to say that I was inspired and pushed to become a much better person in more areas than simply academics.

I look forward to moving on. You can't stay an undergraduate student forever, and just like how I felt after graduating high school, I don't think you should want to. Loving school, loving the accessibility of friends, and the adventures college brings are all great, but would become empty after a while. I'll keep moving forward, and relish the fact that this chapter of my life has occurred and been so great, while proudly moving into the next. Perhaps it's the influence of Return of the King playing on the tv in the background, but I do feel a little like Frodo at the end of the book, leaving his friends and family to the Undying Lands in the West, not because he doesn't like the Shire, but because he just doesn't fit there any more. I'll miss those I met at SPU, but my place in this world means moving on now.

So here I am, taking the first steps into the rest of my life. Working over 40 hours this coming week, and beginning the project of sorting, packing, and getting rid of my stuff. I'm scared of what's to come, but I'm also excited.

To everyone who has been there with me during this time, thank you for all you have done to inspire, push, encourage, and love me. Everyone of you has had a special place in my life, and the number of memories I have gained is overwhelming and wonderful. It's been an amazing four years, including all the ups and downs, and I will always be thankful of all the opportunities and experiences I have had, and the people I've met.

~Allison

For all of us who are seniors and graduating in a week...

I had a very long walk today, where I thought about lots and lots of things, and listened to my ipod nearly the whole time. It had been a long time since I listened to Hawk Nelson, but one set of lyrics really really stood out to me.

These are the things we go through
Let's take control and be ourselves
Let's not waste time wondering about
How we're gonna make it out

What if we're doing ourselves a disservice by being so anxious about everything to come? Yes, let's plan and prepare and do stuff to set ourselves up for success, but how many hours have we sat in conversation talking about how much we were freaking out?

It's finals week, and I don't want to lessen the importance of these tests. Clearly we can't fail out of college with a week until we walk across that stage. But I won't get to see some of you after we graduate. The last sight of you I'll have is in our caps and gowns, and then we'll go on with lives and be limited to facebook stalking to hear from each other again.

So, here's my goal this week: to have meaningful interactions with all of you. I've wasted so much of this year ignoring people, or not really keying in to what's going on around me because I've been self-absorbed in my own stress and life. And, let me admit, I've been kind of a jerk when at my most stressed. I don't want stress to overshadow all of my last memories at SPU. Let's enjoy these last few days, and take advantage of every chance to spend time together.

~Allison

Counting down the days

I haven't blogged in seemingly forever. Not because I haven't been motivated, but more because every time I sit down to write, I can't justify the half an hour of "wasted" time. It probably wasn't healthy. I like blogging because I can write down all my feelings and fears and whatever is on my mind, and then poof! it's gone. 

It's a relaxing Sunday morning. I didn't really want to be up this early (edit to state that I started this blog at 7 this morning), but I think my roommate was running late for church, so she accidentally slammed a door. No sleeping now! I'm going to have to learn to sleep with earplugs when I move to Switzerland. 

I spent an extensive amount of time talking to both my current horn professor, and my future professor, about how I'm going to get by while in this foreign country. (Also, I just thought you should know how epic I feel writing this blog with Mahler's first symphony blaring from my speakers. I am such a horn player!) While I'm there, I basically will be unable to work, excepting the infrequent gig, so I realized that I have to make all my money for the year before going. Talk about stressful! And in case you were curious, it's illegal in the U.S. to sell your kidney, though they're apparently worth $300,000. Anyway, the horn professor offered me the option to live in the apartment behind his house, which if I split with another of his students, comes to only about $450 a month, plus $45 for utilities. (Strangely, that's almost exactly what I pay here in the States) He also threw out the option that if we got a third tenant in there, the rent would drop to $300 a month. I can't really imagine living with two other people, especially since initially we'll be complete strangers, and we may have a language barrier for a bit, considering this is an international school. 

Back to the subject of how I'm going to pay for this: It's definitely going to take two jobs this summer. And selling everything I don't need. It looks like we found a buyer for my old horn, to help pay for most of the remaining cost of my new horn. I have an interview tomorrow afternoon for a potential second job. I also have started picking up shifts at other stores than my own. 

I can't even explain how stressful this has been. Considering all of this planning really had to be postponed until after my recital (especially since all of the "you owe this" knowledge came on the day of my dress rehearsal, and I ended up crying through part of one of my pieces before I was able to pull it together. I just couldn't be thinking about it until post-recital), and the fact that I've been rather under the weather with a bad cold for the last almost two weeks, with all kinds of school things to do. My skin kind of just exploded the last couple of weeks, but I managed to stay away from destroying most of my fingernails. 

The other hard part of all of this is that social stigma that "You're graduating! Life must be so good right now, since you're basically done!" No, not really. Not that life isn't good, but it definitely isn't easy. I want to make this work, and as much as I possibly can, I want to do it by myself. Somehow I'm hoping that getting myself through grad school by myself might prove to everyone that I'm ready to be an actual adult, and I'm not the thirteen-year-old that I often feel like others see me as. 

At least I'm not scared by the actual act of graduating. I'm really sad that this means separating from my closest friends as we all head in our own directions, but I'm hoping at least a handful of my friends will be in contact, since I definitely will be missing them a lot. I can't wait to go to the next step in life, but there are definitely a few faces I'll miss while I'm gone. (Hear that guys? I'll miss you!)

~Allison

Taking a moment to destress

So much to do. No time for senior anxiety, and yet I'm overwhelmed by senior regret (as I'm calling it).

I've developed some awesome study skills this quarter, and seem to be staying right on top of what I'm doing (though not in everything...and I still feel horribly behind, but I have to prioritize). It makes me really sad though. Why didn't I push myself like this and learn these study skills back in freshman year? I have this sinking feeling that if I had, I would be both a better horn player, and probably would be graduating with two degrees and with honors. It's frustrating when learning happens entirely in hindsight.

I'm not ready to be done with school, and I may be crazy, but I'm already trying to figure out what degree will come after my masters. You know, the masters degree that I won't start until September. I don't regret being a music major. I think it was the best choice for me. But I wonder if I wasted potential by not applying myself and getting a double major in bio or chem (like my original plan was). So many what ifs...and they're not helping me focus on the projects at hand.

It all may be a stress reaction to the impending doom of projects, presentations, exams, and my recital. Just next week I have a paper due, a 25-minute presentation on said paper, an exam in psych, another horn player's recital, and my concerto with the wind symphony (plus my family getting into town). I'm truly not sure how I'm going to do it, but it's just going to have to happen.

I also wonder if my anxiety stems from just spending a lot of time around my science-y friends. I look at them and think to myself, I could have done that. And there's definitely a part of me that just wants to prove that I do in fact have a brain. I get a lot of flack for being the dumb music major, but I'm pretty sure I'm not stupid. I've just made disparaging remarks about it, and had incredibly smart friends surrounding me for so long, that I think I've started to believe it. Not that how intelligent you are really matters.

Psychology is forcing me to really look at myself in new ways. I learn new terms or conditions and realize that many of them pop up in my own behavior. It's a bit creepy, but incredibly enlightening as well. It's probably my favorite "real" class, since of all the courses I'm getting credit for, lessons always win for my favorite.

Really though, I think I'm just burnt out, and anxious, and not sure what to do with myself. Well, I don't know what to do with myself except for what I already have set before me to do: working my butt off, then heading to Europe for grad school. I am excited, but I'm also absolutely terrified. At least I know I still have 75% of my life left to live, so even if I've made a "mistake" there's plenty of time to do something else. At least I hope so...

Allison

P.S. I'm not sure I'm less stressed (as per the title), but at least it's off of my chest and I can think about something else instead!

The big announcement, finally!

Well, okay, it doesn't feel like quite as big of an announcement since so many people already have heard (since I can't keep a secret...except for engagements and pregnancies apparently. And not mine. My sisters'. Let's be clear: I'm not announcing a pregnancy or an engagement. Done.).

Anyway, best to just tell it like ripping off a bandaid? Nah, too easy. Here's some build-up for you all:

Most of you know I spent a lot of time this school year prepping for grad school auditions. I was invited to fly out and audition for all four schools I applied to, but because of the decision that I need to actually graduate with my bachelors before I can even go to grad school, I only took two of the auditions. The second set of auditions would have pulled me out of a full week of school, just before finals. Not happening when you have two classes basing their grades completely on your last couple weeks of work. (On the upside, I did pull a 4.0 that quarter, so I think it paid off.)

As I was doing that first trip, however, I began to realize that as much as I loved the East Coast, I wasn't sure it was for me. It's not just fear of leaving home and the known for the unknown, but more because I didn't feel like I'd fit in, nor thrive in some of those schools. On top of that, they were expensive. Really expensive. I've been blessed to come out of my undergrad with student debt in the teens (of thousands of dollars), and I just can't see being a musician with doubled student debt.

So, I came to a crossroads, about the time I would have had to leave for that second round of grad auditions. I ended up calling my private instructor, and we talked on the phone for nearly an hour, determining what exactly my mindset was, and where I should go with it. Together we agreed that I should skip the trip to spend all that time I had planned to be out of classes at home studying and getting all the stuff ready for my finals. I ended up hiding out on campus (so I could still see friends every once in a while, and because I'm not a very efficient person when I'm at my house), doing tons of work, and then getting done with everything just a bit early. It was a good decision.

Which brings me (finally, I know) to what the big decision is: I'm going to Switzerland for grad school! Yup, it's a bit out of the blue for most people, but it's been in the making (and stewing in my mind) for over a year, and I decided to finally jump on it. Plus, it helps when you're sitting in a friend's apartment, pondering whether to send in the application, and your friends look at you and basically force you to do what you're most afraid of doing. In a very loving, caring, oh-my-gosh-don't-turn-down-an-opportunity-to-go-to-Europe, kind of way. My oldest sister helped a lot while I figured this stuff out.

So there you have it. I leave September 1st (ish...I haven't purchased my plane tickets yet.) so I hope to get to see a lot of you before I leave, and if not, I'm sure I'll have internet and will be posting lots of blogs so everyone can keep up with my adventures! I'm very excited, and also really nervous. But I do think that this will be a great experience for me, and I look forward to seeing where this opportunity takes me.

Allison

Funny quote of the day

While talking about driving directions:

"Are you going to take a right and then a right?"
"No, I'm going to take a wrong, then a morally ambiguous, and then a right."

Some introspection and life updates

Not my most clever title, but let's go with it while citing a lack of imagination this evening.

I came to a realization during the last two weeks while I was on spring break. I'm not afraid of being alone in this world any more. It's been a long transition to being single after dating for most of college uninterrupted. It's been about three months since I've been in a relationship, and six months since the long-term one was broken off. I've had quite a journey since then. 

I've always been an extrovert. That kid who runs up and talks to pretty much anyone, and who can hold a conversation single-handedly, as long as there's someone willing to (pretend to) listen? Yup, *raises hand* that's been me for a long time. And in the last six months or so, I've started realizing that being an attention whore isn't really fun. (And let's be honest, it gets really old getting mocked for it.) I'm never fulfilled when I'm taking more than my fair share of the conversation, and in fact, I usually just end up really embarrassed and mad at myself for doing it again. 

I was talking to a friend over spring break, who shared how much he had enjoyed just sitting at home, away from anyone else for hours at a time, reading a good book. I had forgotten reading. Not truly, but for some reason, college seemingly just pushed the thought of reading for pleasure out of my mind. The reminder led me to basically devour a 500-page book in an afternoon. Speed reading is a sick pleasure of mine, I'll admit it.

Amazingly, though, this reminder of the wonderful, fulfilling aspects of life that I had forgotten in my haste to spend time with people, and fulfill my need to be heard, led me instead to realizing that I wasn't allowing myself to be heard in my own mind. I often think aloud, or at least process information better while spewing it at some poor sap who happens to be standing nearby. Recently, however, I've allowed that to replace quiet contemplation, and therefore my thoughts have gotten more out of control, and I've resorted to basically over-sharing my existence on this planet with my friends as I've tried to figure out my place on it.  Sorry, friends!

So, after several days of spending a majority of the time by myself, doing things I always wish I had the time to do while school is going (spinning, knitting, reading good books, and going for long walks with the dog), I made a sort of resolution with myself. I'm going to try to be more introverted. Now, this doesn't mean that I'm going to suddenly become a hermit and stop talking to the world. I can already tell you, I'll go crazy without having some human interaction. But I need to spend more time just sitting quietly, doing something like reading a really good book, all by myself, just allowing my brain to function, and also allowing myself to learn to enjoy the silence. We'll see how that goes!

----

On the side of life updates, spring quarter has begun, as of today. I've got a generally light load, though I know with my senior recital fast approaching, I'm going to be up to my eyeballs with stuff to do, right up until graduation. Therefore, I'm trying not to let myself be reminded that this is my last quarter of my undergrad. God only knows the last thing I need right now is a bad case of senioritis. I'm pretty sure I was suffering from that through most of winter quarter. To make a quote for  those in the pop culture know: "Ain't nobody got time for that!"

I'm glad the weather in Seattle has finally decided to act like spring. I was able to run around campus today wearing only a (brand-new Sounders!) jacket over my t-shirt, which is a major win for me when it comes to staying warm. Mind you, I did get rather chilly by the time I was driving home from my last class. May, I can't wait for your warm and sun and happy. 

On the graduation note (since I guess I'll let myself think of it occasionally), I can't believe it's time. So many people that have been by my side since we were baby freshmen, and we've grown up so much! I'm not all that far from holding a piece of paper saying that I've finished my Bachelor of Arts, and just a hop and a skip after that will be my 22nd birthday. Where has the time gone? 

I'm scared to leave this wonderful world that has grown around me. My friends and professors have been such amazing support and inspiration for four years. They've seen me in all ways, and helped me get through a lot of tears and gnashing of teeth, and also done a lot of laughing too. I'm not ready for the thought of goodbyes yet, though I know they'll come in just a couple short months. And then, after four years together, we'll all go our separate ways, like leaves in the wind; all going different directions. I can rest easily knowing that the most important people in my life will keep in contact, and hope that I've truly made some friends that will stay close for a long, long time.

And with that, now that it's 9 pm and I've been up since 4 for work, I'm ready to crash. A typical college student I am not. 

~Allison

“Home is behind, the world ahead,

And there are many paths to tread

Through shadows to the edge of night,

Until the stars are all alight."

Growing and learning

I'm so close to being done with my undergrad...which I think would scare me, if I wasn't going straight on to my masters. I've now been in school for 17 years out of 21 (almost 22!). If that isn't a weird thought, I don't know what is. I can't imagine life without school, which is probably a small part of why I keep going! That and wanting to keep learning and doing what I love.

I've learned a ton while I've been at college, most of which had nothing to do with my classes or assignments. I've learned how to pay bills, find an apartment, go to the hospital on my own (with a friend driving me, of course, but I was alone in the actual room), how to treat other people, as well as how NOT to treat other people. I've found tons of passion for music, both classical and not (thanks to my friends for having such great taste in music!), and a more recent passion for watching soccer. (Sounders til I die!) I never imagined I'd learn so much about myself, and yet I feel like I've only touched the surface.

I've been told every time I go to a doctor that I have low blood pressure. Not problematically low, but enough that some actions can make me dizzy. For some reason, it took this last time having a nurse tell me about it that it finally sunk in that hey, I have low blood pressure! No wonder I can't just jump out of bed and race to get ready if I'm running late...if I jump out of bed, I get super dizzy, and I think once I even fainted back into my bed. It's not a big deal, but it's kind of fascinating learning something new that explains the way your body works.

 I've also learned a lot about what kind of person I am in relation to others. It's been especially eye-opening to realize how others see me. When I came to college, I know I was incredibly immature, selfish, and oh my gosh, whiny. I also was very overdramatic, which I wish I could say has gone away completely, but I just got called out on it again recently. I'm learning to bring my sarcasm in check, as it can get nasty if I'm not careful. I've learned to laugh more, and not worry about the fact that I'm going to get teased for it. Yup, I have a really, really original laugh, and I'm learning to be okay with it. You can't be mad at others for teasing you when they're doing it because they love your laugh. Heck, I made a friend with someone I had been reaching out to for nearly a year, not because of anything I said, but because we were sitting in the same room and I read something that made me burst out laughing. She began to laugh just because of the way I was laughing, and turned to me to tell me how much she loved my laugh. Perhaps my laugh is a gift, not a curse.

I've learned to travel, and do so alone, and completely love it. I love Seattle, and I think it will now always be home to me, but there's nothing like discovering somewhere new and different. The only thing I struggle with is not wanting to stay in the especially awesome places permanently. (I practically dragged myself out of NYC the last time I was there because I had fallen in love with it so much I didn't want to leave, but I had school to get back to!)

I've learned to knit on a really high level (no more garter stitch scarves! Yay!), and that my main love is lace. I also learned to spin using a drop spindle, and have made the decision that  when I go to grad school, I want to get a spinning wheel so I can do it more. I've also learned that my passion for knitting can be contagious! When I entered my music department, there were two of us who knit. There are now about eight of us, and we are really well-known because we knit everywhere! I've also helped teach a couple people, which makes me really happy. I love sharing this craft that is so beautiful and peaceful to me.

I've also learned my limitations. Due to an immune disease, I know that I can't do anything that might push my system too far. I'll probably never be one of those people who work 60 hours a week, nor can I really get less than 7-8 hours of sleep. It's not a bad thing, really, and I'm sure it'll will get better when I'm out of college where everyone around me gets four hours of sleep and pulls all-nighters.

I've learned that I love giving. If I know there's something you would really like, but probably shouldn't spend the money on, I'm more than ready to jump in and get it for you. You need a hug? Let me! I love discovering what my friends' needs are, so I can do my best to help them out. Random acts of kindness are my favorite, if only to bring some sunshine into this not so sunny place. I love that a couple of my friends are always happy to be my partners in crime for being nice to others. There is nothing better in the world than giving someone a nice gift that they weren't expecting (or asking for!) and seeing their face light up. Nothing gives me more joy.

I hope that I keep finding happy and constructive things to work on. It gets old ironing out the bad stuff. I'm still working on growing up and making myself into the kind of person that hopefully I wouldn't want to murder upon introduction. That's still questionable at this point (lol).

Quick update: I'm done with winter quarter. Life is good. I'm going to enjoy the next two weeks more than you could imagine, starting with rooting for my Sounders to destroy the Timbers! Bring it on, spring break!

Funny little tidbit from today

A discussion on the "bouncy-ness" of notes when playing in the style of different composers:

Professor:
"Mozart is like a tennis ball bouncing.
Beethoven is like a basketball bouncing.
Brahms is like a half-flat basketball bouncing."

(Only partially serious discussion in the horn section)
"Stravinsky is like a spear!" *mimes spiking spear into ground*
"Wagner is like a cube..."

Yup, this is my music department during band. I love us so much!

Sometimes a change in plans is necessary

For the majority of you out there who didn't know, I'm typing this from my apartment in Seattle. Meaning I didn't go to New York for grad auditions. Now, before you fall out of your chair (or, if you have, please take this moment to get back in it), let me explain that the decision to cancel this trip wasn't as hasty as you're probably thinking it was.

The truth is, I'm 99% sure I know where I'm going to grad school, and it's neither of the schools I would have been auditioning for. Money also got tight all of a sudden due to a missing paycheck, so I basically would have gotten there, paid for my hostel, and not eaten for a week. It wasn't an easy decision to make, but I took a decent amount of time working it out logically, with a couple awesome people helping bounce ideas back at me over a couple days, and the best solution was to cancel the trip, and get stuff done here at home.

I'm not ready to explain everything about my plans for grad school yet. Those who have heard the news could tell you that it's pretty exciting, but I want to make sure that things are settled and better planned out than they are at this moment. (To be perfectly honest, things will be up in the air most likely until mid to late April, so don't hold your breath!)

Also, I wanted you to know, I do adore you all. It's been a rough couple of months, and I know I haven't always been the cheeriest person on the planet. Things are getting much better now, and I hope that my love of life and all of its offerings continues to re-surge.

Allison

Something fitting for the moment

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms."

-The Holiday

Finding joy in the midst of insanity

Winter quarter is always rough. Most of the stress and lackluster parts of winter quarter seem to be due to the hardest classes being offered then (second quarter of Theory II anyone?), and because no one has seen the sun in Seattle for about 4 months and counting. Add on graduate school auditions, and trying to figure out what in heaven's name I'm doing with my life, and you get even more stress. There's a reason I took hardly any classes this quarter (beside the fact that I'm basically done with my degree)...I don't have time to have homework!

This makes for an unhappy Allie, especially since it seems that both of my grad audition trips were/are in the middle of really important periods of time in my classes. Round one was during midterms; round two will be during the week/weekend before finals. Kill me now...

It's been really difficult since I got home from my first round of grad auditions as well. With all the stress and build up of January pushing towards grad auditions, I came home and found myself feeling without direction in my practicing, and overwhelmed by everything that needed to get done. There were loose strings everywhere in my life, from homework, to pieces to prepare for different performances, music to be filed in the library, a whole bunch of crazy stuff with family and friends, and to top it all off, I was jet lagged. There were many tears shed last week, and probably way too much time spent just trying to figure out how I was going to get it all done.

I found direction though! I'm excited to say that the wind ensemble parts for the concerto I'll be playing in the spring concert were shipped to us early last week, and I handed them out to the band on Friday. That being done, I've gotten my butt kicked back into gear. Nothing worse than passing out a piece to your peers and then fearing you can't play it yet to motivate you to go learn your piece backward and forward. Along that line also came the realization that I would have to schedule my recital jury for mid-April, which is only two months away! I only have half of my recital down so far, and clocking in at well over an hour's worth of playing, I have my work cut out for me. (I don't know how I keep having long recitals...junior recitals should be 25-30 minutes of playing; mine was 45. My senior recital should be 50 minutes worth of music, and it's currently pushing 70...sorry friends and family who are watching it!)

I also have wonderful, supportive friends who take care of me, and listen when I need to vent. I'm super blessed in that. Yesterday was registration for spring quarter, and I can tell you that all of us were freaking out, making sure we could get registered for all those last classes we needed for graduation. I think it definitely counted for the lowest point I've had all quarter, and two of my friends took time out of their busy schedules just to come and make sure I was okay.

So, after two hours of good practicing today, a completely full schedule set for next quarter, and the promise of an amazing meal tonight, I can say that I have pulled myself out of this stupid lurch I've been in, and am ready to move forward and do awesome things with the rest of this quarter.

Also, did you know that enthusiastic horn playing can break fingernails? New lesson learned today!

Allison