The end is drawing near

...and I feel so unprepared for it. It wasn't very long ago that I was pondering how long this quarter was taking to go by, and now it's nearly time for me to move out. In my master plan, I start packing this weekend, and move a majority of my stuff next weekend. I'll be living in two places at the same time for about a week and a half, but after finals are done on Wednesday, I'm hoping to get everything out, and be completely in at my summer place. I'll be there that week anyway since it begins my puppy/house sitting summer.

I hope to get lots of knitting, practicing and working done this summer, but still maintain some time for relaxation. I want to really keep up with my horn, since that seems to be a lax point of my summers previous. I have so far left to go with it, and I can't lose any time. I lost so much in high school, I've got to make up for it and get to where I know I can be. Maybe I'm a little selfish too, and am hoping to get an edge up for everything coming up next year. I don't want to just be another horn player, I really want to push myself to be the best I can possibly be so that I can really get recognition (and good recognition, not like, wow, she's such a jerk/sucks/etc. kind of recognition) and gigs and stuff. I have a lot of books to buy, techniques to learn and perfect, and excerpts to beat into submission.

Also, a confession. I started to get caught up looking at wedding stuff again. It's so easy to fall into the trap, and I did well for several months...but yup, I can confess to looking at dresses, and pictures from other weddings. It's gross, actually, reflecting on how much of my time it sucked up in the last few days. So, I'm bookmarking the few sites I really adore, and then ignoring them until...whenever I actually need them. I hardly look at my bookmarks anyway, so hopefully out of sight, out of mind. I don't have the time, resources, or need to get married any time in the near future (at least not until I have a degree under my belt), so I really don't need to look at it. *sigh* SPU, you and your "ring by spring" stereotype need to go bury yourselves deep underground and stay there.

Meanwhile, I haven't gotten a proper amount of sleep in a week, so I'm going to make a point to sleep a full eight hours tonight, and jump start this process of getting my body back into a nice routine. There is no time to spare for getting sick right now. Summer, here I come!

Allie

Nobody panic! I'm still here :D

It's been a crazy few days, that's for sure. Saturday was spent full of knitting, and an unexpected date with Olivia :) I got this lovely text Saturday morning asking if I wanted to go to tea, and maybe take a jaunt up to Greenwood to get some yarn. You can't really appreciate how wonderful it is to do two things so unrelated to music, until you get off campus and get to pursue a fun hobby like that :) I bought a huge book of lace patterns (44 of them!) that I want to start trying out, since I've started knitting lace, as well as some beautiful merino worsted yarn that I used to knit a cowl for my aunt in thanks for her teaching me how to knit all those years ago. Good conversation, good environment, and excellent tea made for what may end up being one of my favorite memories from this year. I got a little obsessed when we got back on campus, and finished the cowl at about 8:30 that evening, and was so excited about it, I just *had* to call Becky and ask if I could drop by the house. (Long story short, she loved it!)

Then came Sunday--the Reconciled tour. *Insert ominous music here* I got up at 5:15 so as to be up, ready, with all my stuff at the bus at 6:30 to check in all of the wind symphony people. I was running on about 2 hours of sleep, which made for a very tiring day, but I think it got me all emotionally prepped for what I was playing. It was actually really beautiful when we played the two services at the Presbyterian church down in the Auburn-ish area. God was definitely present for both services, and it caused me to almost cry (I had to concentrate just enough on playing that I didn't) in just the sheer joy of being so close to God. The concert back at SPU that night, however, was the icing on the cake. It was loud, but glorious. For all my whining about how tired I was afterwards, I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Yesterday was just full of practicing and normal Monday stuff. It's kind of hard to enter the real world again after such an experience (post-camp feelings, anyone?), but by today, I think I've settled back into the routine.

As for what reflections I've done in the last few days? There's been a lot of prayer involved, and assurance by those close to me, but I'm finally beginning to see how far I've come these last few years. I feel as though there's not much left of the girl I was in high school, and I'm not sad about it. I like who I am now much better. I'm more respectful, mature, and honestly, a lot happier. I've become closer to God, and I actually care about what I'm doing, in school, and definitely when it comes to my horn. There's lots left to learn, but I know I'm on the right path to figuring it all out as it happens.

~Allie

Forgiveness

I think of all the things I've ever had to do in life, forgiving someone for a wrongdoing is definitely one of the hardest. Well, maybe second-hardest behind asking for forgiveness. You see, in my mind, it's not ever enough simply to tell someone you're sorry. That's like stating your hypothesis without actually backing yourself up. The real purpose of an apology, at least if you want to work towards fixing what has been done wrong, is to say that yes, you were wrong, and that you wish the other person would forgive you. Now, sticking your neck out there to not just say you're wrong, but also to put yourself at the mercy of another person? That's really tough. And really nerve wracking, because what do you do if they say no? (Thank God, I don't think that's ever happened to me, so I can't answer that question, but I always wonder it when it comes time for me to ask forgiveness from someone)

Now, on the other hand of this apology is the person who has been wronged. This person doesn't really have a choice over whether the offender is sorry. I mean, it's really nice to hear that someone else regrets what they did, but what can the other person do with that? But when you've been wronged and the person comes to you and asks for forgiveness, suddenly the situation is put in the hurt person's hands. As a Christian, I'm taught to forgive anyone who comes wishing for my forgiveness, and I think most of the time I'm pretty willing to do so. When a friend comes to me after an argument, I'm willing to think to myself, "Hey, you know, I think that they're really sorry, and they're willing to put themselves out there to ask for forgiveness. I care for them, and our relationship, and I want everything to work out. I'm willing to take this argument and not worry about it again." Because to me, forgiveness isn't pushing aside the issue and forgetting about it, but instead is taking the situation, learning from it, but then choosing not to judge the other person (or persons) for it any more.

But there are always times when I really just don't want to forgive someone. Lord, help me in those moments, because they're when I need to turn to You most. I'm sure you know the situations that make you hesitate to forgive: the friend who just keeps doing the same stupid thing, apologizing and asking for forgiveness and then re-offending; the person who has hurt you so deeply, it sent you emotionally reeling for longer than you can even remember; the person you trusted most with something precious (whether a secret, an object, etc.) and they managed to break that trust in a way you can't even fathom.

I struggle so much with forgiveness. It's (relatively) so easy to say the words "I forgive you," but to actually let go of the pain and work again at the relationship that has been damaged? They say actions speak a thousand words, and this is definitely one of those situations. Just saying the words isn't enough, you actually have to release the other person and no longer hold them to this trespass.

I've recently been reading the book UnChristian. It's a fascinating study that follows research done on my generation (people from ages 16-29) about their reception to the Church and why they have such opinions, from both inside the church and outside. The author does a great job of providing unbiased facts (the book is full of the statistics from the research, as well as graphs, and quotes from the people who answered the surveys), as well as taking what is shown in the research and connecting it to what Christians are both perceived to be doing, as well as what they're actually doing.

Initially I felt a terrible guilt trip from it, considering all the situations I have been in that are similar to ones mentioned in the book. At the same time, however, by the second or third chapter, the author started commenting on perceptions of those in the church, as well as those who have had similar experiences to mine (having a very negative experience directly involved with a Church/its members) and decided to leave the church. I don't feel so alone in my opinions anymore. I had commented to my friend John (the one who let me borrow this book) that I do have faith in God, believe in the Bible, but just don't trust the Christian church, and his response surprised me. All he said was, "You're not the only one."

I guess I'm so used to others looking at me and either A) they're non-Christians who understand what it's like to have a negative experience connected to Christianity/the Church or B) they're church-going Christians who, having bought into the importance of connection (and probably looking good to others), go to church religiously (haha, I couldn't resist) and look at me so oddly when I say that I have a really hard time going to church because I feel as though I can't trust the people around me. I know that's a long-winded sentence, but the point I was trying to make is that I had never heard of others who still are interested in church, but struggle with it at the same time. It is such a relief to know you're not alone.

I'm not done with the book yet, but hopefully the deep thoughts and revelations will continue as I keep reading.

On a less theological note, today was beautiful, and was officially the first 70+ degree day Seattle has had in over six months. I practiced outside for one of my sessions, though I chose to do it in the shade because I had already sat out in the sun earlier, and it was just too hot when one of my arms was getting a steady stream of 90+ degree air. It was really lovely, and I enjoyed myself. Also, on behalf of the sun, I was released from oceanography thirty minutes early to go enjoy the sun. Only wind symphony was tough because everyone's really high strung and stressed out about this Sunday's performance. I have to admit, a lot of the prep work for this concert is very last minute. I didn't put my pencil back in its holder on my horn until rehearsal was over because I needed to make so many reminders for myself. It's amazing how surprising an F# is when you've been playing in three to four flats for the last couple of pieces. *sigh* I hope it all works out. Oh, and to everyone who missed out on Natasha's senior recital (and knows who she is, of course), you totally missed out, because it was *awesome*!

Thank God it's...well...Saturday now :P One day to relax, while still being productive. I'll start by sleeping.

~Allie

A random short blurb

It's amazing how when life goes so far downhill, it can only go uphill again afterwards. It's sunny, and beautiful, and I have really awesome friends who help me "borrow" couches from the Moyer lounge to sit outside. Yup, this is life at its finest. All I have to get through is orchestra tonight, and then I don't have anything until 1:30 tomorrow afternoon. Lots of practicing time, and homework time (since band is stealing half of my weekend), and hopefully some being with James time.

I'm a little bummed out that oceanography isn't going as well as I hoped. I'm learning so much from the class, but because it's exam-based, I'm struggling grade-wise. Test anxiety sucks. I have a couple more big ticket items, and I'm going to study my butt off for the final. If everything goes perfectly, I'll get a B+ in the class. *crossing my fingers*

I don't have any brilliant thoughts today, but there's always hope for tomorrow :)

~Allie

Oh goodness...I = stupid.

Yeah, life. It's dramatic. Needlessly so, too. I'll spare people the actual drama because obviously the only way to make drama bigger is to share it with more people, but I can say that I honestly biffed on this one. Intentions were good, but execution? Yeah, sucky. I'm definitely taking this and putting it in my lists of "things that should never ever be done" and "boy, you really were an idiot that time."

M'kay, all done.

Meanwhile, I think I've made a couple decisions today that may pan out well. The first being that I think I'm going to audition for one of the youth symphonies next year because I still have a year/two until I age out. Probably I'll choose Cascade because I like the environment better than Seattle. Also, I'm making the goal right now that I will practice three hours a day every day during the summer. (Hold me to this, guys!) I really can't afford to take any time off, and I have a ton of room left before I'll even be close to where I need to be.

The sun makes it difficult to want to do any homework, practicing, etc. It's so tempting to just ignore the world and go read a book instead. Soooo tempting. But, business before play, right? Dear God, please help me do all I need to do for the next three weeks.

My conclusion for this week, thus far, is epic fail. Maybe I'll figure it out next week. And who knows? Tomorrow may improve. It's a new day, right? And for all of my friends and family, I hope you'll forgive me when I screw up. I'm accepting here and now that I have done it, I probably am doing it right now, and will most definitely do it some more in the future. I'm sorry for not saying the right thing, or doing the completely wrong thing, or just in general being an idiot. I'm going to keep trying to get better at this whole thing called life, and I'm begging for your patience as I keep tripping over myself.

101. I am thankful for all the people who see promise in me, even when my head is stuck in an obscure orifice. You guys are awesome, and I hope someday I'll see what you can.

Decisions, decisions.

Today has been full of decisions. Not life-changing ones, mind you, but little ones. I registered for classes for autumn quarter this afternoon, and began discussing with Rodger what pieces to play for my junior recital next year.

I can't wait for this upcoming year of school, though I really can't wait for the summer to come either. It's been a school year full of growth and a ton of improvement on my horn. Only four weeks left and I'll be done with my sophomore year, and pretty much all of my major. The next two years will only consist of taking a few classes, both required and fun, and getting to be amazing at horn. It's so frightening knowing how far I have yet to go, especially knowing what needs to be prepared for graduate school auditions. At the same time, it's comforting knowing how far I've come. Special thanks to my dad for constantly reminding me that I've proven that I have the drive to do this, all I need to do is keep going!

(I'd like to insert a side note here and state that I just discovered that I'm able to use indentations for paragraphs, so for any of you who are as anal about grammar and spelling as I am, we can now exhale a collective sigh of relief. *sigh* )

I felt very accomplished today because I finally got over my composer's block and got my final theory composition started. Twenty measures down, and only...well...I don't know how many to go. But I'm confident because the ideas are flowing, and all I have to do is sit down and write them down (before they vanish). I hope this horn solo is as beautiful as what's envisioned in my head, because I'd be disappointed otherwise. It's funny, though, because I've never thought of myself as a composer. Honestly, I'm better at being a catalog of what pieces other people have written than coming up with original ideas. Before my current ideas came to mind, I walked around humming lyrical lines from Stravinsky's Firebird. It was a sad moment each time I fell in love with what I was humming, then realized that it had already been done. It probably should have tipped me off that half of the melodies in my head had orchestrated harmonies, but hey, what can you say? This solo is definitely becoming my baby, to the point that I'm very nervous showing it to others. The performance of it will be fun though! (I hope)

I'd like to throw out a challenge to my wonderful readers. I know lots of you are checking in to read, but I'd love to know who you are! I'm hoping whatever was wrong months ago with my comments has been fixed, so leave me a note saying you were here! Thanks for reading :)

~Allie

I am thankful for...

I've decided that I get so caught up in my own life that I forget how blessed I am. So, I'm going to sit down and come up with one hundred things I am thankful for in no particular order.

1. My family, who always supports me and tells me they love me.

2. The opportunity to go to a Christian university.

3. Faculty who actually care about me as an individual, and want me to succeed.

4. An "aunt and uncle" who are willing to be my psuedo-family here in Seattle, come to my concerts, help me with my knitting, give me a place to go in the summer, and feed me when I'm sick of campus food.

5. The talent and opportunity to play beautiful music.

6. The rain. Not because I enjoy it, but because it makes me appreciate the sun so much more.

7. My kindle--it makes reading books fun and not heavy :D

8. Knitting. It's a wonderful distraction from life sometimes.

9. My wonderful guy, James, who is always supportive, loving, and patient.

10. My friends, who always remind me that it's okay that my major sometimes makes me go crazy...they love me anyway!

11. My horn. It's a beautiful instrument, and I'm so grateful to have a horn that will last me far longer than I may use it.

12. My private teacher, Rodger, who never gets annoyed when I can't get something, like hand-stopping, and instead helps me figure out how to understand it better...and works with me until I get it.

13. Dr. Chin and Dr. Hanson for both pushing me to become a better and stronger musician.

14. Livingsocial and Groupon, for making date nights (as rare as they are) with James inexpensive and fun!

15. My mother teaching me that Goodwill and Value Village are really good places to find anything you need.

16. The sun in Seattle. When it comes out, this city glows.

17. The internet for being such a lovely distraction, and a great tool too. (Facebook stalking, anyone? lol)

18. Practice rooms...as much as they make you sound terrible, they make you better too. And they save my dorm from having to listen to me practice.

19. Frisbee/tennis/soccer--they get me out into the sun!

20. My awesome bike gives me transportation for the nice days, and doesn't cost me gas money!

21. Music--it always inspires me and gives me hope.

22. Tea, which is the best antidote to a rainy day.

23. Having my saucepan returned to me after two months of being MIA!!!!

24. Loose-leaf tea. I still haven't figured out what makes it so much better than bagged tea, but I do enjoy it a lot!

25. Knitting with friends. So often, knitting is a solitary act, but getting to share it with friends, and share frustrations over dropped stitches and lace-weight yarn makes it fun!

26. Flowers blooming in the trees outside Moyer.

27. Flopping on a friend's bed to watch movies after a long week of school.

28. Listening to birds chirp. Chickadees and robins are by far my favorite because they remind me of home.

29. Being able to see all the gorgeous colors of the seasons.

30. Sleep.

31. Living on such a small campus.

32. Picking my own classes!

33. And having such a small school so that I have a block schedule, rather than weirdly spaced out classes.

34. Making schedules

35. A life full of many different kinds of experiences.

36. Horseback riding/horse showing!

37. All the memories of driving all over the state with Mom and Dad.

38. Being able to say that I've fallen off a horse at a full gallop and got back on (after a week banned from riding because of a concussion lol)

39. Learning to read at such an early age (thanks, Mom!)

40. Having so many different types of schooling (private, public, home and co-op/home school group)

41. Performing!

42. Never knowing what it's like to be hungry or homeless.

43. Living near the ocean.

44. Hot, dry summers in the desert.

45. Being able to spell!

46. But also having spell check at the ready :D

47. Living just a couple-hour car ride away from home.

48. Being able to skype with my parents.

49. Faithful readers who seem interested in reading about my life.

50. Websites like hornmatters.com that teach me about my instrument.

51. Resources like IMSLP!

52. Obsessing over crazy horn recordings with people like Eric. (Who is willing to geek out just as much as I do)

53. People who do the jobs I could never dream of doing (like construction work!)

54. DIY projects that remind me of #53

55. My ever-patient friends who understand that they may not get their knitted Christmas gifts for two years...*sheepish grin*

56. Laying in the sun on a blanket

57. Forgiveness

58. Opportunities to do gigs like playing for All-State/Northwest concerts

59. Becoming friends with people who didn't like you originally

60. Jigsaw puzzles

61. Sudoku!

62. Who ever is the people in the practice room who are helping me complete those crossword puzzles :D

63. Umbrellas

64. Discounted tickets to places like the symphony, opera and ballet

65. Living in Seattle

66. Eating breakfast with James every morning

67. Having a roommate for next year

68. Miles fixing my bike!

69. Bike trails so commuting is safe

70. Cell phones

71. Chocolate chip cookie dough!

72. Pints of ice cream.

73. Long battery life for my computer (thanks, Dad!)

74. Dishwashers

75. When people ask how you're doing, and actually care about the answer, good or bad.

76. Just because I love it so much, MUSIC!!!

77. God. I don't know how that ended up so late on my list, but really, truly, I'm thankful for God.

78. Freedom. It sounds cheesy, but I'm able to write whatever I want. That's really cool.

79. The Four B's: Bach, Brahms, Beethoven and Bruckner :D

80. My odd, but loving relationship with my sisters.

81. Playing/practicing in the sun outside.

82. Hand-written letters.

83. Care packages.

84. Homemade goodies.

85. Love.

86. James' family...they do so much for me, and I'm just his girlfriend :D

87. Fresh clean clothes.

88. My parents, for never giving up on me.

89. Warm blankets.

90. Medication to control what I can't.

91. That the two conditions I'm medicated aren't severe.

92. Pictures of friends and family.

93. That nothing is stopping me from doing what I love and following my dreams.

94. Having a fast metabolism.

95. God providing what I need.

96. Being taught to be humble about beauty.

97. White board calendars that keep my life organized!

98. My job in the music library.

99. Everyone who's told me that I'm beautiful, worthwhile, and a good musician when I'm unable to see it.

100. That I can have so many things to be thankful for!

To all the people in my life, thank you for being you. Each and everyone of you has touched me somehow, and that touch is profound, no matter how small. You let me be me, and help remind me that being me is in fact okay. Again, thanks. :)

~Allie

I'm still alive!

I meant to update my blog two days ago, only to find out that blogger was down, and last night I had a concert that distracted me ;)

I've spent the last week on the verge of a burnout for a variety of different reasons, some personal, some related to school. I'm happy to report that the crisis has been averted, mostly because our concert last night countered a lot of doubt that was starting to creep into my thought processes. For example, I kept putting in my daily hours of practicing, then going to ensembles and getting chopped out before the end of rehearsal. Not that this is logical, but I kept wondering if I actually was building endurance. Plus, add to that how ridiculously boring it is to do the same things every day in the practice room for a week at a time. Well, it paid off!

As is my normal routine for concert days, I got a good night's sleep, got up, had breakfast, then had a nice and easy warm-up. That half an hour was the only time I touched my horn until the sound check. We got to the concert and I made sure to pace myself through all the pieces, knowing that 1812 Overture was the finale and I basically don't rest in it at all. I'm happy to report that I wasn't even close to chopping out at the end of that concert! The only sore part of me was my left arm from not setting down my horn for an hour. :P

I'm so glad that so much stress has been thrown away, and I can be back to "normal" again. Now just three more weeks, and I'll get to let my brain ooze out my left ear for the next four months. Hooray. (<--sarcasm) I'm not worried about anything that's coming up these next few weeks either, since the worst of all my classes happened around midterms. Thank God, I've survived another year of college!!!

Thanks to everyone who's been reading my blog. You guys are great and it makes me feel very encouraged that so many people care enough to take time out of their days to read my odd babbling about this crazy twisted set of tubes.

~Allie

A brilliant beautiful Tuesday

Yet again, Seattle blessed us with a beautiful sunny day, and I got reminded how terribly pale I am. Seriously, I glow.

I discovered a really interesting article today, on my favorite horn related site. It was discussing the drama that often occurs in the music world, and its relation to the Karpman Drama Triangle. There are three points to this triangle (but only one person): the Rescuer, the Victim and the Persecutor. It's not the persecutor who starts this vicious cycle, however, it's the Rescuer. Here's what Mr. Hembd had to say about the Rescuer:

Rescuers are fairly easy to spot. They get caught up in enabling and helping people – whether they need it or not. They see themselves as good and doing good for other people. Their approach can vary, ranging from soft-and-gentle (passive aggression), all the way up to being assertive and bossy (active aggression).

They offer unsolicited advice and will rationalize it as “I care so much” or “I am just trying to help.” Rescuers are generally not aware that pity and disrespect are often at the core of their behavior ( i.e. “I know what’s best for you”). (...)

A Rescuer will typically slide into feeling victimized (“Poor me, I give so much, yet no one returns my efforts or truly recognizes them”). In time a Rescuer will even grow to resent their target (“That jerk just doesn’t get it. Why did I waste my time?”).

This cycle goes round and round, and with each shift in roles there is Drama, hence the name of the model. What is most destructive with this cycle for musicians is that it is all about the Drama, which ultimately stands in the way of problem-solving and progress.

My eyes have been opened. Honestly, I've always understood this cycle, to some extent, and understood the roles of the Victim and the Persecutor, but never had thought about the Rescuer. Suddenly I can identify where so much drama has started in my life, and I really can't be surprised any more when drama crops up because I feel that I'll be able to identify the source (especially in my own thinking, when I'm the one causing the drama) and really be able to quell it before it even begins. Who'd a thunk?

The author does state that one of the best options for avoiding this as musicians (and people really) is to pull away from the problem. He says, "What the drama triangle illustrates for us as musicians is the value of being non-reactive, and somewhat detached and non-judgmental in our practice."

He does also note that this doesn't mean be completely devoid of emotion, but rather identify the source of the emotion, and find an appropriate reaction rather than speaking out rashly.

--If you want to read the article, here's the link--

Favorite hilarious forum discovery of the day:

Handspun? Dang, I’m jealous! You know how to spin.
I have a top whorl drop spindle and a bit of roving and a book - I really want to learn this so I can make my life even more complicated than usual by knitting socks (hah!) with yarn I spun myself… very small socks - perhaps earring-sized socks or pendant socks or amulet-bag socks or even keychain socks…or maybe just part of a sock, say an elegant toe or a smashing ribby cuff…or a single heel flap dangling from the beginnings of one gusset…

Maybe I should work The Secret (TM) on it: you know, INTEND to spin and INTEND to knit socks from the yarn I spin - intend VERY DILIGENTLY and VERY HARD and FOR A LONG TIME, think positively sock-tastic thoughts, intend - intend - think hard - see myself walking in transparent clogs, showing off two knitted objects more or less covering my feet - more or less the same size, more or less the same shape; color matching optional, also pattern consistency - just make ‘em wearable…It’s artistic license, stop laughing.
Want perfect Kitchener? Just visualize it really hard. Ask the Universe for it. And it shall be done. Make it so, Universe. Make it so. And while you’re at it, manifest me that second sock…

~Allie

Practice...class...practice...lunch...practice...etc.

I wish I could report a more exciting day, but that's pretty much it. I stuffed 3 hours of practicing in pretty much every gap in my schedule. I did have fun this afternoon playing tennis with James, Ana, and Nicole :D Look at that, the pasty music major is getting outside!

Today I learned something new, though. I can never ever be satisfied with what I do in the practice room. I really needed that reminder that even after doing three hours of practicing, I still have tons of room for improvement. I just can't be satisfied with only putting in an hour or two because I'm not going to get anywhere. And you know the best part about spending hours in the practice room? (No, it's not the feeling of sweating off half of my body mass) I'm so busy focusing on what I need to do, I don't have the time or energy to wander around comparing myself to others. It's the weirdest thing, but the amount of practice time I put in is directly proportional to how bad I feel about myself compared to others.

--I'm going to interject and note that yes, it's really inappropriate to compare. It's a terribly bad habit, and I'm definitely going to work harder on not doing it. --

As I was saying, the more time I spend in the practice rooms working to make myself a better musician, the less I really care about how others are doing. I think a lot of it has to do with guilt. When I'm not putting in the practice time like I should be, I feel guilty, and then have to justify myself by walking around telling myself how much better I am than others, when that's really A) useless and B) crap. It's a much better feeling when I've done what I need to do, and know that I'm on the right track. I CAN do this, and I'm going to.

Also, I'm happy to say that because my practicing is done, I can sit back, relax and knit until my lesson at 9. What a lovely Monday!

Allie

Thoughts from the weekend

First of all, let me apologize to anyone who noticed me not, well, being here. I *finally* finished James' blanket that I started around our first Christmas. Then, feeling accomplished about finishing that huge project, I decided to try out my first lace pattern. It actually has lots of firsts: my first lace pattern, first time using lace weight yarn and the first time knitting a shawl. Though, I have to admit, lace is depressingly slow going because it seems really squished and small while you knit it, until you block it. (A translation for my non-knitting friends: blocking means getting the final product of your knitting damp or wet, then laying it out on a cushion and placing special pins and wires throughout it to stretch it out to your desired shape.) So, after a day and a half of working on it, in its squished state, it looks barely big enough for my teddy bear to wear. *sigh*

Knitting is wonderfully addictive, and it was actually really nice to just have a weekend away from everyone around me. Plus, it gave me an excuse to avoid all the questions last night as to why I wasn't going to Hall Ball. Truthfully, I just needed a weekend off. Midterms are draining, and I needed some relaxation to help heal the canker sores.

I didn't completely miss out on the fun from Hall Ball, however! No, I didn't go to the Star Wars exhibit, but I have now watched 5 of the 6 movies. I'm drawing the line after I finish Episode II because going through with watching Episode III will most definitely keep me up too late.

I think I've also learned this weekend (or relearned) that I need to be careful how I handle my feelings. Maybe it sounds stupid, but another one of my friends got engaged this weekend and I got super frustrated. I'm not even certain why. I think part of it is that I find it mildly ridiculous that so many people are getting engaged, and half of them aren't even 20 yet...and also, I barely get used to one person getting married or engaged, and another one posts pictures or statuses about getting engaged/married yet again. But most of all, I think I'm frustrated because I know that my relationship is just as serious, but James and I have decided to put off any thoughts of engagement until we figure out what's going on with graduate school. Translation: I won't know when we're going to get engaged until we figure out where we're going, if we're going, and when we're going. That puts the approximate range of time between spring of next year and sometime about 3 years from now.

I have to admit the thought of such an uncertain thing, and the fact that I really have no control over it is going to be a test of patience for the next however long. I pray that I do learn patience from this, because it's definitely not one of my strong suits.

Meanwhile, I'm going to go hide my shawl before I start itching to work on it. I'm banning myself from knitting unless I've gotten all 3 hours of my daily practicing done. Well, and homework too. Maybe that will motivate me? :D

Allie

I promise this will work...maybe.

I wish I was brilliant at blogging. Mostly I'm forgetful, and it's not like I'm in a foreign country where basically the only way I can get a hold of people is through my blogs. Then again, sometimes it's okay just to write a few sentences to remind the world that you exist, rather than worry about sounding brilliant.

It's beautiful in Seattle right now. The sun is out, the sky is clear, and I really want to practice my horn in my room instead of sitting in dark Crawford. I wonder if it would bug people much? I could try playing into a pillow :D

Saturdays are just best for relaxing. Pondering all you accomplished in the last week and start setting goals to improve for the next one. Personally, now that my mouth doesn't cry in pain every time I play in my middle register, I'm going to practice a lot more this week. I actually started getting out of shape, in just 3 days. It's frightening how easily that happens.

I have a lot of little decisions to make over the next few days, ones that aren't life changing, but still make a definite impact on life. God help me make the right decision, and do what is wise.

I'm excited for the summer, but I keep wondering: where in heaven's name did sophomore year go?? I swear I was just moving in a few months ago! Oh well. They always say that the older you get, the faster the years fly by. Next thing I know, I'm going to be walking through Safeco Field receiving my diploma. *shudder* But not yet. Until then, I'm going to continue working my hardest and enjoying my college years :)

Allie