Not my most
clever title, but let's go with it while citing a lack of imagination this
evening.
I came to a
realization during the last two weeks while I was on spring break. I'm not
afraid of being alone in this world any more. It's been a long transition to
being single after dating for most of college uninterrupted. It's been about
three months since I've been in a relationship, and six months since the
long-term one was broken off. I've had quite a journey since then.
I've always been an extrovert.
That kid who runs up and talks to pretty much anyone, and who can hold a
conversation single-handedly, as long as there's someone willing to (pretend
to) listen? Yup, *raises hand* that's been me for a long time. And in the last
six months or so, I've started realizing that being an attention whore isn't
really fun. (And let's be honest, it gets really old getting mocked for it.)
I'm never fulfilled when I'm taking more than my fair share of the
conversation, and in fact, I usually just end up really embarrassed and mad at
myself for doing it again.
I was talking to a friend over
spring break, who shared how much he had enjoyed just sitting at home, away
from anyone else for hours at a time, reading a good book. I had forgotten
reading. Not truly, but for some reason, college seemingly just pushed the
thought of reading for pleasure out of my mind. The reminder led me to
basically devour a 500-page book in an afternoon. Speed reading is a sick
pleasure of mine, I'll admit it.
Amazingly, though, this
reminder of the wonderful, fulfilling aspects of life that I had forgotten in
my haste to spend time with people, and fulfill my need to be heard, led me
instead to realizing that I wasn't allowing myself to be heard in my own mind.
I often think aloud, or at least process information better while spewing it at
some poor sap who happens to be standing nearby. Recently, however, I've
allowed that to replace quiet contemplation, and therefore my thoughts have
gotten more out of control, and I've resorted to basically over-sharing my
existence on this planet with my friends as I've tried to figure out my place
on it. Sorry, friends!
So, after several days of
spending a majority of the time by myself, doing things I always wish I had the
time to do while school is going (spinning, knitting, reading good books, and
going for long walks with the dog), I made a sort of resolution with myself.
I'm going to try to be more introverted. Now, this doesn't mean that I'm going
to suddenly become a hermit and stop talking to the world. I can already tell
you, I'll go crazy without having some human interaction. But I need to spend
more time just sitting quietly, doing something like reading a really good
book, all by myself, just allowing my brain to function, and also allowing
myself to learn to enjoy the silence. We'll see how that goes!
----
On the side of life updates,
spring quarter has begun, as of today. I've got a generally light load, though
I know with my senior recital fast approaching, I'm going to be up to my
eyeballs with stuff to do, right up until graduation. Therefore, I'm trying not
to let myself be reminded that this is my last quarter of my undergrad. God
only knows the last thing I need right now is a bad case of senioritis. I'm
pretty sure I was suffering from that through most of winter quarter. To make a
quote for those in the pop culture know: "Ain't nobody got time for
that!"
I'm glad the weather in
Seattle has finally decided to act like spring. I was able to run around campus
today wearing only a (brand-new Sounders!) jacket over my t-shirt, which is a
major win for me when it comes to staying warm. Mind you, I did get rather
chilly by the time I was driving home from my last class. May, I can't wait for
your warm and sun and happy.
On the graduation note (since
I guess I'll let myself think of it occasionally), I can't believe it's time.
So many people that have been by my side since we were baby freshmen, and we've
grown up so much! I'm not all that far from holding a piece of paper saying
that I've finished my Bachelor of Arts, and just a hop and a skip after that
will be my 22nd birthday. Where has the time gone?
I'm scared to leave this
wonderful world that has grown around me. My friends and professors have been
such amazing support and inspiration for four years. They've seen me in all
ways, and helped me get through a lot of tears and gnashing of teeth, and also
done a lot of laughing too. I'm not ready for the thought of goodbyes yet,
though I know they'll come in just a couple short months. And then, after four
years together, we'll all go our separate ways, like leaves in the wind; all
going different directions. I can rest easily knowing that the most important
people in my life will keep in contact, and hope that I've truly made some
friends that will stay close for a long, long time.
And with that, now that it's 9
pm and I've been up since 4 for work, I'm ready to crash. A typical college
student I am not.
~Allison
“Home is
behind, the world ahead,
And there are
many paths to tread
Through
shadows to the edge of night,
Until the
stars are all alight."
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