The importance of positivity

It's been a tough couple years for me to keep thinking positively. Getting myself all psyched up and ready to go to grad school right after my undergrad, then having that rug pulled out from under me was shocking on my poor little system, especially for this particular system that tends to run more half-empty than half-full.

And yet, in spite of what felt like a major set back, there came some good things. I got my first full-time (with benefits) job right as the healthcare changes made it so my parents couldn't pay for insurance with me on it still. It wasn't a stellar income builder, but it was enough to live on. I had access to practice rooms whenever I wanted, I just needed to get my butt back into gear and start putting some real work in. You see, after I graduated undergrad, there were several months where I basically never touched my horn because I was working 60 hours a week to try to make grad school work. Then, once I realized I couldn't go to school, I set my horn down for another few months because I was horribly burnt out from all those extra work hours, and just hated the feeling of disappointment.

Then came the fall, with ensembles starting up again, and a swift kick in the butt from Chris that I was wasting my own time by not playing. I also know that I had been rather disappointed in myself, not having the motivation I desperately needed. I don't remember when I started practicing every work day...I want to say it was somewhere around Lent, as I gave up "days off from practicing" for those 40 days prior to Easter. I wasn't entirely successful, but it got the ball rolling. Right about that same time period was when I decided to restart lessons (another brilliant move on my part, if I do say so...then again, it's also a pretty obvious one).

There were some ups and downs. I remember my teacher looking at me and frankly saying that if I didn't change how I was playing the horn, I was stuck. Not going to move forward, and definitely going to kill my chances to get back into school and get my musical career moving again. (That was an especially depressing moment.)

And then the really positive comments started to float my direction. My teacher had lit a fire under my butt, and I was really getting back into gear. I had one of the SSO violinists commend me for my practice habits (I have to walk through backstage to get to the practice rooms) and inform me that he hoped to see me get to play in the orchestra someday. Our stage crew is fantastic, and make sure to say hello every morning when they see me. Today, I had a conversation with one of our stage hands, who always is the one to mention how dedicated I am, and he mentioned how since coming to work at the Symphony, he is continually amazed at the "great kids" employed here who are working so hard toward their goals, as opposed to the kids you always hear about on the news that are getting into trouble. I made a snarky comment about how I made a point not to try to make headlines, and one of the other stage hands joined the conversation to inform me that someday I would be making headlines, but for all the right reasons.

When people in general give me compliments on my playing or my dedication, I usually take it with a grain of salt because family and friends,especially those who don't know much about classical music, like to say nice things because somehow there's some mystique about what I do. But, to hear from people who are actively involved in music, whether backstage running the details of getting everything on stage to work, or actually being on the stage playing the music, it makes a huge difference. The most rewarding comment of all came through my horn teacher this week, after I've been fighting chapped, exhausted lips and mouthpiece changes, I took some time off to prepare for the recordings I'm making this weekend. We had our lesson yesterday afternoon, and after some minor tweaking, he said that it was the best he's ever heard me play.

That all being said, compliments feel good. And with the most recent handful I've gotten this week, I'm raring to go and get these recordings done so I can get on with this process! Wish me luck, this could be quite an adventure.

~Allison

A darkness to move through

It's not often anymore that I feel like sharing with the rest of the world what's going on in my life. It's even less often when it's not optimistic or happy. Then there are the moments where I realize that it's healthier to admit that my life isn't the postcard you see on my facebook profile, and that I really am your average 20-something who is struggling to make it in this world.

I knew, when I got a degree in music, that I was walking into a long span of money being tight. I knew that I'd never be allowed to whine or complain about my wages or job, because the moment I stepped up and said anything, someone would turn around and tell me how I should have majored in engineering or one of the sciences. It's worn on me for the last year and a half as I've transitioned into a working adult from the world of academia.

Well, I've learned a lot from being an adult so far. And you know? I've come to determine it's not about the fact that I'm a musician that makes me broke. When I get gigs, they are fantastic bonuses that go straight to savings, or can pay off a credit card, or put groceries on the tables for a couple months. No, it's not being a musician. It's just the point I am in my life and career that means being broke, for some reason. You see, I haven't started my career. I have a full-time job, and I practice (what feels like) all the time. But I can't say that I'm a professional musician, because that chapter of my life hasn't begun.

Meanwhile, the job that I have to keep a roof over my head and food on my table is only barely doing that. Without going into too much detail, I'm being underpaid for the position I'm in, and while my team has been fighting for all of us to get pay that actually supports the cost of living in this city, it's not a quick process. So instead of telling you with a huge smile on my face that I love my job, and have a great life, fantastic apartment, free transportation, etc., let me paint the picture that actually reflects reality.

I don't make what my housemates refer to as a "real adult wage" ($13/hour), and I have two roommates to be able to afford my two-bedroom apartment. I live in the midst of the loudest part of a college campus neighborhood because the rent is cheaper, even though it means sacrificing sleep. I have free transportation because there's no way in hell I can afford a car. I can't really get gigs (and don't put myself out there for them) because most of the time I can't get there by bus...or I can't in any reasonable amount of time. I haven't really bought anything "fun" in months, because any time I drop $20 on something, I end up unable to pay for groceries for a week or so. My medical benefits are great, except they don't cover a couple items (that really shouldn't affect the general population) such as splints to help my tendinitis in my wrists. I'm scrambling to find $200 to pay that bill. $35 for the copay for medication that helps me do my job doesn't seem like much to pay each month, until you factor that that's a week or so worth of groceries.

I'm going out of my mind, but I'm too stubborn and proud to ask for help. Also, because if I ask, I know that someone out there will tell me that I should have gotten a different degree. Or should pick up a second job. By the way, can't start working part-time at Starbucks (or something else that might fit around my full-time job) because that kills my practice time. Did I mention that I'm still trying to get that career off the ground?

I am surviving. I haven't given up hope. But I'm exhausted, and tired of fighting my paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyle. Tired of finally having a small lump of cash saved up, only to have something happen, like a root canal, which wipes out everything.

I'm just tired.

“You need to spend time crawling alone through shadows to truly appreciate what it is to stand in the sun.” Shaun Hick

The great Facebook hiatus

It's true. I'm taking a break from facebook. I didn't want to make a big fuss of it, since whenever I see anyone else do that, it always seems to be more of a cry for attention than actually related to their own good. Personally, my own hiatus is related to a discussion I had with Chris over how much time I was spending on it, and how little good it was doing for my mental health. So, I'm taking a couple weeks off, and seeing what happens. We're on day two currently, and I already feel much better. I've started taking the time to text people to hang out and reconnect, because I don't know if they're busy, and therefore, I'm not worried about asking.

Meanwhile, I've also finished another big project that I'm rather proud of: My first, official, totally handspun sweater for me!

It's going to be my summer layer for the office, since it's too hot to wear a jacket outside, but too cold to wear summery clothes inside. And since it includes so many colors, I can wear it with pretty much anything! I also got to show it to my sister, who recently began to knit, and she was positively tickled!

Timing was excellent also. I finished tucking all the loose ends this morning, then headed to the post office to pick up my next shipment of fiber, which will become this sweater:

Can't tell you all how excited I am! My blue fiber is a tad darker, but I think it will end up just lovely. I never thought I'd love knitting sweaters, but here I am, about to start spinning the yarn for sweater #3. Chris may never get another sweater, though, now that I've seen how quickly sweaters knit up in pixie size!

On the work front, lots has changed that has made the work environment much more friendly. New management, the brief pause between seasons, and less time spent on the phone. It's a lovely break, though the days do tend to drag on a bit when you're simply waiting around for the phone to ring. That's how I got the most recent sweater finished so quickly; lots of time between calls that I didn't want to spend just hanging out on the internet.

I've also had a resurgence in my tendinitis. I went to the doctor last week and had it officially diagnosed in my wrists (it had been diagnosed via MRI in my shoulders, and then a few years later in my ankles, so I always assumed that my wrist problems were tendinitis). Looks like it's back to wearing braces for a while, though I'm working with my employer to see if there's a way to get the specialized braces through them instead of going through insurance and whatnot. Hoping there will be relief soon!

Fortunately, this week only will be a three day work week, as I'm taking a vacation day tomorrow to move into my new apartment (yay, not being "homeless" crashing at my wonderful aunt and uncle's house!), and we have a special day off on Saturday where the office is getting painted. All good things.

Now, before my wrists give up on me, I probably should go. Besides, I have some (more, *sigh*) packing to do to get ready for tomorrow. Whee!!!

~Allison

Where tragedy meets community

It's been a surreal 26 hours. Yesterday, a lone man in his 20s decided to walk onto my college campus into the engineering building and pull out a shotgun. He injured four students, one of them fatally, before another student pepper sprayed him and disarmed him when he stopped to reload. The student who died was a freshman, only nineteen years old. I didn't know any of the victims personally, though I had a couple general education classes with the student who stopped the shooter.

I didn't find out right away what was happening. I was at work downtown, and wasn't paying attention to my computer or my phone. It wasn't until a coworker asked if my boyfriend went to school at SPU and if he was okay that I heard the news. I already had texts from Chris stating that he was okay and locked in one of the music buildings. I stayed glued to my phone and computer for the next hour of work, before the death of Paul Lee made me decide that I needed to go home. I've never wanted to hold Chris more, or more tightly, than I did yesterday.

I've stayed glued to my phone and computer ever since finding out that there had been a shooting. I took today off of work so that I could be home to spend time with Chris, begin to really comprehend everything that happened, and go to campus to be with friends and faculty. I have never been so glad to be part of the SPU community than today.

I got to campus just after the prayer service let out. There were groups of students and faculty scattered around Tiffany Loop, sitting, standing, talking, praying...no one alone. Any time I ran into someone I knew, we hugged and reiterated how unreal this all felt. As I walked towards the music buildings, I stopped to pet some therapy dogs that had come to campus specifically for the students. I found out later than one of the SPU students reached out to the Queen Anne neighborhood in the local newsletter and requested that neighbors walk their dogs through campus so the students could have an opportunity to share that special bond dogs have with people.

Crawford Music Building was totally open to everyone, with doors propped open to the outside, professor's office doors open, but it was still quiet. You could hear hints of people playing music in the practice rooms. I headed over to Beegle Hall (the other music building) to where a bunch of music majors, past and present, were gathered to make music together. I was glad I had my horn with me. I've never tried improvising on horn, but today it was the only outlet I had for everything I was feeling. I know many people would find their voice to be more personal, but I just needed to have access to that full huge range I can only get when playing horn. Something about pedal tones being comforting, I guess.

It was beautiful. Some recordings were taken, so I hope later to post some of them. It wasn't complex music. We usually vamped through two chords, picking phrases to repeat, or simply vocalizing over the chords. People played percussion instruments, guitar, piano, and clarinet. There is nothing like the experience of pure interactive creation and improvisation with other musicians. Was it perfect? No. But it was exactly what we needed: an outlet for our emotions. We prayed, hugged, sat in silence, cried, even laughed a little. Afterwards, a small group of us went for a walk along the canal and talked together.

Is everything better? No, and I don't think it will be any time soon. Was there healing today? Yes, and lots of it. This community, and this city, have to come together on a level that is unbelievable. The feeling of security our campus once had is now gone, shattered in just a few minutes by a man with a gun, but the immense power of a small school's community and faith have only become stronger and more intense in the aftermath. We are together in this. We will support each other and all those affected by what has happened, especially the families and friends of the victims.





There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Just another female voice in the crowd...

The last week or so has been really tough when it comes to the news. A guy who was my age decided that because (and I'm paraphrasing here) he couldn't get laid, and his head was totally twisted, that it was a good idea to go on a shooting rampage on a college campus to get back at the entire female population.

Now, there are a lot of places I can go with this. I could talk about what it's like to be a woman in our society, dealing with the catcalls and being hit on, even at my workplace. I could go on about gun control and whether it's a good or bad idea. I could try to go off about feminism and equal rights for both genders. I could talk about the mental health crisis in this country.

I'm not certain where I want to go with all of this, except to say that the latest mass murder in our country has put me on edge. I look at the websites I frequent, read the comments (which I highly discourage. Reading the comments on any major forum, especially news sites, has a tendency to depress.), and realize that my country has somehow gotten itself all mixed up.

I'm a redditor. I love lurking around, reading AMAs and looking at cute pictures of kittens. I'm fascinated to get to hear opinions and conversations from people who aren't just American, and who have really interesting thoughts about the current events going on in the U.S, and in general about our culture. There's a dark side to Reddit, too. Because it's an anonymous forum, you will come face-to-face with disturbing amounts of misogyny, racism, sexism, and blatant disregard for other human beings. And, yes, there are a ton of people on different threads that will lament how they're single and not getting laid.

As a female, it would be wonderful if I could walk across a street and either hear nothing at all, or have the guy who needs to assert his dominance yell something about how lovely I look today, rather than, "OOOOWW! DAMN WHAT A NICE ASS!" Nope, I take it back. I don't want the compliments, in any form, I really would rather just be left alone. I'd like to not worry about the consequences of having a job that sometimes means taking public transportation at 10 pm on a Friday or Saturday night and having to walk by myself to transfer buses. I hate that I had to ask my housemates to limit where we look for our next apartment to areas that wouldn't make me feel like I need to have pepper spray, a knife, or to conceal carry.

I also would love to live in a country that identifies and TREATS those with mental health issues. The kid who went murdering girls at his university was clearly unhinged, to the point where his parents and therapist called the cops because they were afraid of what he'd do. The cops said he seemed fine, and now six people are dead. Seven if you count the shooter.

And what makes it real to me is that I've had a guy freak out on me using words that this guy used. A person who decided that even though I said no, I wasn't interested in any physical relationship with them, that they needed to force me into it because I "promised" at some point in time months earlier. No means no. There's no ifs, ands, or buts to that. He ended up blackmailing me, faking a panic attack, and labeling me as just another one of "those girls" who are "teases" and are the reason why he was still a virgin. Was it terrifying? Absolutely. It didn't matter that I was being told these things via phone call and (after deciding I didn't want to hear those things any more and hung up) text message. It didn't matter that I was in a secured area where he couldn't get to me. I was scared out of my mind, because I've never witnessed such behavior. He was blocked through every method I could think of (social media, texts, and phone calls), but the thought of coming into contact with him ever again is horrifying. (To the point that I've described him to coworkers if he ever decided to pay a visit to my workplace)

No one should have to deal with this. Innocent people shouldn't be dying because some mentally disturbed, misogynistic asshole gets access to a weapon and goes out to get revenge.

It's a scary world out there.

Finding direction and moving forward

It's been a crazy couple of weeks in my life. Not in the running around with tons to do type, like in college, but rather the type of week that fills up every ounce of free time with chores like paying bills and prioritizing money usage. Stressful, but not unmanageable.

Thanks to my first independent tax return, I was able to completely pay off my horn (hallelujah!) and get ahead on rent payments. Money was all balanced, and then the hammer fell: two months worth of loan payments hadn't gone through. I apparently can't type my bank account number, so it was my fault, but there was no big red flag saying that the payments hadn't gone through. It's no wonder most of my friends complain about loans; I'm not worried about the cost of the payments themselves, but the process and the issues I've had with it. Oh well...we're getting there! 

Meanwhile, I got to feel like a college student for a day or two: two concerts in two nights! The orchestra concert was on Thursday night. I wasn't totally happy with my playing. I still haven't gotten used to working a full day, then turning around and being a musician. It wasn't bad, but felt phoned in. 

The women's choir concert the next night felt great! I had mis-transposed one of the parts in practice, but was able to fix it upon realization. Something about my brain thinking it would be horn in G, but was actually in F#. Blech. The concert went swimmingly, and my favorite piece of the three I accompanied was the best. All in all, I felt like there's hope for my playing.

My lesson yesterday also went very well. I walked in with nothing specific prepared, as being sick had made us skip a lesson and it was time for something new. I made a point to ask for a game plan for the next year leading up to grad school auditions (part deux) as well as more to work on specifically on a day-to-day basis. We agreed that I haven't been practicing enough (as always these days it seems), but my Lent goal is to practice every single day. We modified it to be a minimum of two hours every day but Sunday, where I should practice as much as I can, but I'm allowed to do just an hour if my face is tired. We're going to get me back in shape! I'm also facing another three months of focusing on the fundamentals of my playing, since I have (as he put it) "a very nice box that [my] playing fits in, but it needs more tools and features to it." Lots of long tones, lots of range building, and lots of etudes. It's going to be a long few months, but only good things can come out of it.

In the home life, there's a new housemate at our place, which has made for a fun change, and led to lots of (very, very needed) cleaning of common areas like the living room and kitchen. The only sad thing in all of this was the information that our landlord is selling the house at the end of the lease this summer. It was really nice to feel settled and have a real house for the first time since going away for college, and now it looks like I may be back to apartment dwelling soon. I like my free laundry...

Whining aside, life is going well. I'm busy and seemingly always checking my planner to make sure events aren't overlapping. Work has settled into less insanity and is instead just steady. Clearly I'm blogging right now, so it's not horrendous! The weather has finally started acting like spring here in Seattle, which means I'm fairly close to throwing off the wool pea coat for something lighter and less cumbersome. I finished knitting a pretty shawl for the summer months just a few days ago, and in general, I'm ready for the summer. I know I need to keep reminding myself that I'll still be working full-time then, but there's that instinct that life will be so much easier then.

Now, it's time to run and do the next thing on my list for this week: making a list of all the schools that have peaked my interest for grad school. I'm glad that I've learned the process and can say I'm starting almost 6 months earlier this time than I did last year!

~Allison

The struggle of faith and other bits of life

Today was the first day in a few weeks that I've gotten to go to mass. A couple weeks ago, all the bus routes were on snow routes, and it would have been close to impossible to make it up to church; last week I was sick, and doing everything I could to get better. It was lovely going back, and the homily was on the section of text in Matthew that can be summed up by the Golden Rule. The priest was quick to point out that though the text talks about loving our enemies, that doesn't just include those groups of people far away in distant lands that wish us harm, but rather, includes family, friends, and anyone who you've given the power to hurt you.

Today has thus been a big day on reflection of my faith, since I've really not thought about it recently. I'm Christian, but do I live my life that way? The problem I've found, unfortunately, is that those that I know who openly talk about their prayers and how God is working in their lives are also the ones who have the sharpest of tongues, and cruelest of actions towards others. The moment I hear someone start discussing their prayer habits, I've now learned to keep my distance, because if I let them too close, they'll hurt me. It's a terrible conundrum. But, on the other hand, I have a friend who doesn't talk about it, but goes to church every Sunday, and prays every day, without fail. They don't mention it, and don't state that every one of their achievements is only thanks to God. I have outrageous amounts of respect for them.

So what does this mean for my faith? I guess it's that I don't want to talk about it very much. This probably will be the most in-depth look at where I stand currently on a public front. I want to learn to pray more. I want to learn to live my faith in a quiet way. I don't ever want to be another poster child for why Christians are cruel people who are openly hypocritical by thanking God in one breath, and tearing their acquaintances apart in another.

Meanwhile, work is stressful, due to the time of year, and still being understaffed. On the upside, there's an in-house competition going on related to subscription renewals, and as of this weekend, I'm in the lead by nearly two thousand dollars. I jokingly called it an asinine competition last night, but as the reigning champion, I'm a little more inspired to work towards that first prize. I mentioned to Chris that it might mean a steak dinner sooner than later if I win!

I've been sick for weeks. I'm either on round two or three of being sick, and I've forgotten what my voice sounds like without nasal congestion. (Don't get me wrong, I've taken decongestants...barely any change) I'll probably go back into the doctor again this week, considering it's been over a week since I was prescribed antibiotics, and I'm still under the weather, now with horrible headaches. I've never been so glad to have health insurance.

In spite of all the craziness, I'm still pretty happy with life. I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and a means of transportation, as spotty and somewhat inconsistent as it can be. I'm looking forward to getting my face back in shape for horn, as being sick has inhibited my practicing for the last week or so. Time to get through the coughing, considering I have a concert coming up soon!

'Til the next time,
Allison

2013 in review; looking forward to 2014I

What a year. Facebook likes to remind you of everything major you posted in the last year. Mine included graduation, my senior recital, my concerto with wind symphony, as well as a few things that I would consider more minor (my pie that I baked for Thanksgiving, really?).

It's been a good 2013, but I'm glad it's 2014. I'm ready to move forward from undergrad and get ready for grad school. I know I have time still, but practicing six days a week is still my goal for the year, and I've been putting money aside from every paycheck for application fees. I got blindsided by those the last time I applied, but no one's catching me by surprise this time! It also managed to be a major limiting factor to which schools I applied for. At about $100 per application, I had to pick my schools carefully, and I didn't do nearly enough research last time. I'm going to work towards affording more applications, as well as keep putting aside money for things like flights to the East Coast.

Meanwhile, loans go into repayment next week. The grace period has been nice, but now it's time to settle down and really plan finances carefully. So far I've been successful in building up a nice buffer. It's been amazing to see my account consistently having money in it. At this point last year, I was pretty far in the red.

I've started spinning again, and I finally figured out the trick I was missing on plying my singles (taking all my skinny yarns and making them all plush like the ones you see at the store basically). A downside of being self-taught, you miss out on obvious things. Apparently while you spin your singles clockwise, to ply multiple singles, you have to spin the wheel counterclockwise. And all this was realized after owning my spinning wheel for six months, and only recently looking up "how to ply on a spinning wheel" on youtube.

I still have my hands full of knitting Chris' sweater, but it's made some real progress up until recently. I had to pause for a couple days while I knit some quick Christmas presents, but my goal is to get it done by the end of the month.

In the meantime, ensembles start up again tonight, and I can't explain how excited I am to start playing with others again. It's going to be a great couple of concerts ahead of me.

Bring it on, 2014. I'm excited to see what you bring.