So much to do. No time for senior anxiety, and yet I'm overwhelmed by senior regret (as I'm calling it).
I've developed some awesome study skills this quarter, and seem to be staying right on top of what I'm doing (though not in everything...and I still feel horribly behind, but I have to prioritize). It makes me really sad though. Why didn't I push myself like this and learn these study skills back in freshman year? I have this sinking feeling that if I had, I would be both a better horn player, and probably would be graduating with two degrees and with honors. It's frustrating when learning happens entirely in hindsight.
I'm not ready to be done with school, and I may be crazy, but I'm already trying to figure out what degree will come after my masters. You know, the masters degree that I won't start until September. I don't regret being a music major. I think it was the best choice for me. But I wonder if I wasted potential by not applying myself and getting a double major in bio or chem (like my original plan was). So many what ifs...and they're not helping me focus on the projects at hand.
It all may be a stress reaction to the impending doom of projects, presentations, exams, and my recital. Just next week I have a paper due, a 25-minute presentation on said paper, an exam in psych, another horn player's recital, and my concerto with the wind symphony (plus my family getting into town). I'm truly not sure how I'm going to do it, but it's just going to have to happen.
I also wonder if my anxiety stems from just spending a lot of time around my science-y friends. I look at them and think to myself, I could have done that. And there's definitely a part of me that just wants to prove that I do in fact have a brain. I get a lot of flack for being the dumb music major, but I'm pretty sure I'm not stupid. I've just made disparaging remarks about it, and had incredibly smart friends surrounding me for so long, that I think I've started to believe it. Not that how intelligent you are really matters.
Psychology is forcing me to really look at myself in new ways. I learn new terms or conditions and realize that many of them pop up in my own behavior. It's a bit creepy, but incredibly enlightening as well. It's probably my favorite "real" class, since of all the courses I'm getting credit for, lessons always win for my favorite.
Really though, I think I'm just burnt out, and anxious, and not sure what to do with myself. Well, I don't know what to do with myself except for what I already have set before me to do: working my butt off, then heading to Europe for grad school. I am excited, but I'm also absolutely terrified. At least I know I still have 75% of my life left to live, so even if I've made a "mistake" there's plenty of time to do something else. At least I hope so...
Allison
P.S. I'm not sure I'm less stressed (as per the title), but at least it's off of my chest and I can think about something else instead!
