It's been a tough couple years for me to keep thinking positively. Getting myself all psyched up and ready to go to grad school right after my undergrad, then having that rug pulled out from under me was shocking on my poor little system, especially for this particular system that tends to run more half-empty than half-full.
And yet, in spite of what felt like a major set back, there came some good things. I got my first full-time (with benefits) job right as the healthcare changes made it so my parents couldn't pay for insurance with me on it still. It wasn't a stellar income builder, but it was enough to live on. I had access to practice rooms whenever I wanted, I just needed to get my butt back into gear and start putting some real work in. You see, after I graduated undergrad, there were several months where I basically never touched my horn because I was working 60 hours a week to try to make grad school work. Then, once I realized I couldn't go to school, I set my horn down for another few months because I was horribly burnt out from all those extra work hours, and just hated the feeling of disappointment.
Then came the fall, with ensembles starting up again, and a swift kick in the butt from Chris that I was wasting my own time by not playing. I also know that I had been rather disappointed in myself, not having the motivation I desperately needed. I don't remember when I started practicing every work day...I want to say it was somewhere around Lent, as I gave up "days off from practicing" for those 40 days prior to Easter. I wasn't entirely successful, but it got the ball rolling. Right about that same time period was when I decided to restart lessons (another brilliant move on my part, if I do say so...then again, it's also a pretty obvious one).
There were some ups and downs. I remember my teacher looking at me and frankly saying that if I didn't change how I was playing the horn, I was stuck. Not going to move forward, and definitely going to kill my chances to get back into school and get my musical career moving again. (That was an especially depressing moment.)
And then the really positive comments started to float my direction. My teacher had lit a fire under my butt, and I was really getting back into gear. I had one of the SSO violinists commend me for my practice habits (I have to walk through backstage to get to the practice rooms) and inform me that he hoped to see me get to play in the orchestra someday. Our stage crew is fantastic, and make sure to say hello every morning when they see me. Today, I had a conversation with one of our stage hands, who always is the one to mention how dedicated I am, and he mentioned how since coming to work at the Symphony, he is continually amazed at the "great kids" employed here who are working so hard toward their goals, as opposed to the kids you always hear about on the news that are getting into trouble. I made a snarky comment about how I made a point not to try to make headlines, and one of the other stage hands joined the conversation to inform me that someday I would be making headlines, but for all the right reasons.
When people in general give me compliments on my playing or my dedication, I usually take it with a grain of salt because family and friends,especially those who don't know much about classical music, like to say nice things because somehow there's some mystique about what I do. But, to hear from people who are actively involved in music, whether backstage running the details of getting everything on stage to work, or actually being on the stage playing the music, it makes a huge difference. The most rewarding comment of all came through my horn teacher this week, after I've been fighting chapped, exhausted lips and mouthpiece changes, I took some time off to prepare for the recordings I'm making this weekend. We had our lesson yesterday afternoon, and after some minor tweaking, he said that it was the best he's ever heard me play.
That all being said, compliments feel good. And with the most recent handful I've gotten this week, I'm raring to go and get these recordings done so I can get on with this process! Wish me luck, this could be quite an adventure.
~Allison
