The struggle of faith and other bits of life

Today was the first day in a few weeks that I've gotten to go to mass. A couple weeks ago, all the bus routes were on snow routes, and it would have been close to impossible to make it up to church; last week I was sick, and doing everything I could to get better. It was lovely going back, and the homily was on the section of text in Matthew that can be summed up by the Golden Rule. The priest was quick to point out that though the text talks about loving our enemies, that doesn't just include those groups of people far away in distant lands that wish us harm, but rather, includes family, friends, and anyone who you've given the power to hurt you.

Today has thus been a big day on reflection of my faith, since I've really not thought about it recently. I'm Christian, but do I live my life that way? The problem I've found, unfortunately, is that those that I know who openly talk about their prayers and how God is working in their lives are also the ones who have the sharpest of tongues, and cruelest of actions towards others. The moment I hear someone start discussing their prayer habits, I've now learned to keep my distance, because if I let them too close, they'll hurt me. It's a terrible conundrum. But, on the other hand, I have a friend who doesn't talk about it, but goes to church every Sunday, and prays every day, without fail. They don't mention it, and don't state that every one of their achievements is only thanks to God. I have outrageous amounts of respect for them.

So what does this mean for my faith? I guess it's that I don't want to talk about it very much. This probably will be the most in-depth look at where I stand currently on a public front. I want to learn to pray more. I want to learn to live my faith in a quiet way. I don't ever want to be another poster child for why Christians are cruel people who are openly hypocritical by thanking God in one breath, and tearing their acquaintances apart in another.

Meanwhile, work is stressful, due to the time of year, and still being understaffed. On the upside, there's an in-house competition going on related to subscription renewals, and as of this weekend, I'm in the lead by nearly two thousand dollars. I jokingly called it an asinine competition last night, but as the reigning champion, I'm a little more inspired to work towards that first prize. I mentioned to Chris that it might mean a steak dinner sooner than later if I win!

I've been sick for weeks. I'm either on round two or three of being sick, and I've forgotten what my voice sounds like without nasal congestion. (Don't get me wrong, I've taken decongestants...barely any change) I'll probably go back into the doctor again this week, considering it's been over a week since I was prescribed antibiotics, and I'm still under the weather, now with horrible headaches. I've never been so glad to have health insurance.

In spite of all the craziness, I'm still pretty happy with life. I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and a means of transportation, as spotty and somewhat inconsistent as it can be. I'm looking forward to getting my face back in shape for horn, as being sick has inhibited my practicing for the last week or so. Time to get through the coughing, considering I have a concert coming up soon!

'Til the next time,
Allison

2013 in review; looking forward to 2014I

What a year. Facebook likes to remind you of everything major you posted in the last year. Mine included graduation, my senior recital, my concerto with wind symphony, as well as a few things that I would consider more minor (my pie that I baked for Thanksgiving, really?).

It's been a good 2013, but I'm glad it's 2014. I'm ready to move forward from undergrad and get ready for grad school. I know I have time still, but practicing six days a week is still my goal for the year, and I've been putting money aside from every paycheck for application fees. I got blindsided by those the last time I applied, but no one's catching me by surprise this time! It also managed to be a major limiting factor to which schools I applied for. At about $100 per application, I had to pick my schools carefully, and I didn't do nearly enough research last time. I'm going to work towards affording more applications, as well as keep putting aside money for things like flights to the East Coast.

Meanwhile, loans go into repayment next week. The grace period has been nice, but now it's time to settle down and really plan finances carefully. So far I've been successful in building up a nice buffer. It's been amazing to see my account consistently having money in it. At this point last year, I was pretty far in the red.

I've started spinning again, and I finally figured out the trick I was missing on plying my singles (taking all my skinny yarns and making them all plush like the ones you see at the store basically). A downside of being self-taught, you miss out on obvious things. Apparently while you spin your singles clockwise, to ply multiple singles, you have to spin the wheel counterclockwise. And all this was realized after owning my spinning wheel for six months, and only recently looking up "how to ply on a spinning wheel" on youtube.

I still have my hands full of knitting Chris' sweater, but it's made some real progress up until recently. I had to pause for a couple days while I knit some quick Christmas presents, but my goal is to get it done by the end of the month.

In the meantime, ensembles start up again tonight, and I can't explain how excited I am to start playing with others again. It's going to be a great couple of concerts ahead of me.

Bring it on, 2014. I'm excited to see what you bring.

A full-time job, the holidays, and the process of becoming a professional musician

It's halfway through December, and the preparations for the holidays is in full swing. Benaroya looks gorgeous right now, I have to say. There are silver and blue decorated garlands and wreaths everywhere, and every night brings a different holiday-themed production.

It's been fun transitioning to full-time work right as the holidays are coming up. There haven't been many days where I ponder how I'm supposed to fill 35 hours worth of work time, since every week brings new big projects to get done. I most recently was tasked with a rather large project of moving everyone who purchased tickets to a lecture in our smaller hall (~550 seats) into comparable seats in our large auditorium (~2500 seats). Every day is different, but I'm starting to have the occasional work-related dream/nightmare, so I guess that means I'm putting my time in! I'll be a little sad when the new year comes and the box office quiets down before subscription renewal time...there's something fun about trying to keep ahead of all this stuff! Plus, coming to work is my favorite excuse to feel festive with all the decorations.

I wish I had a Christmas tree at home to decorate. Unfortunately, the hose on our vacuum (Mom, I just had to type it both ways to remember if it's two u's or two c's. I'm pointing to you on this one.) decided to rip apart, so for now, we're without one. This led to the decision that getting a live tree, no matter how small, would cause a mess that we would have no way to clean up. It's okay, maybe next year will get to be a festive year!

I think I'm looking forward to New Year's Eve the most of all the holidays this year. While Thanksgiving was a quiet family affair (with delicious food!), and Christmas will most likely be low-key due to being smashed between two work days, NYE looks to prove itself a grand time. I'm hoping to get to go to the concert and after-party that Seattle Symphony is hosting, and also to use it as an excuse to pull out one of my recital gowns. I'll probably be overdressed, but on such an amazing occasion (which starts with the main theme from Star Wars!!!), why not go a little overboard?

It's also amazing to realize that with the new year comes loan repayments, as I've now been out of school for nearly six months. Where has the time gone? While it doesn't exactly feel like yesterday that I was giving my senior recital, I still feel like part of me is waiting for the day I'll be "out in the world." Apparently my brain hasn't realized that has happened. I'm not a student, but I'm not a working professional either...even though I am.

Chris and I had a long discussion over the last few days about what it's like to be out of school and just maintaining a job. It's amazing how much you learn about yourself when you're not spending every waking moment worried about school, life, music, friends, etc. I have a lot more quiet time to sit and think about what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. It's actually a relief to have the chance to really come to terms with what drives me to be a professional classical musician.

I'm definitely a work in progress, but I would hope that's how all of us should be. No one is interesting when they've become stagnant and unwilling to change their ways as they progress in life. I'm enjoying finding out what makes me, me. Results are yet to be determined, but I'm sure someday I'll figure it out! The one adjective I'm beginning to see stand out for me (at least in what other people say) is tenacious. I'm content with that one!

I'm also happy to say that lessons are going well, and that while all my time is spent working on the most basic things, my playing has gotten exponentially better. Funny how you can improve a ton on a wind instrument when you learn how to properly use your air. At my most recent lesson, I think I may have actually impressed my teacher, since I successfully used all the skills we had been working on for the entire lesson and did it with musicality while playing a movement from the first Bach Cello Suite. Paraphrased, he said something to the effect of, "If you can keep that up, you're really close to your goal." I'll take it! Now to get back to the awesome trend of practicing before work and often during my lunch break. It's a slower path to getting on to grad school, but I'm still chugging along!  

The ups and downs we face

I have exciting news to share:

For the first time in a long while, I am completely out of credit card debt! I was worried that I wouldn't have my debt paid off before student loans kick into gear in January, but at least the most expensive layer of it has been! (I still have money owed for my horn, but that's a manageable amount) I also am proud to report that I cut up the card that has cost me the most money over the last couple years.

The unfortunate other side of the coin is that I just found out what my medical bills will be for an uninsured visit to the ER a couple weeks ago. I'm hoping and praying that there will be financial aid available, and a decent payment plan. Otherwise I will most definitely need to defer loan payments for a few months while I figure this all out.

Have I mentioned adulthood is hard?

~Allison

More major life changes

It's amazing how much life can just keep changing. In fact, it boggles my mind how many times I've updated my blog this year with a discussion about how life is changing. Perhaps this is normal considering I just finished up college and have joined the real world.

I recently got promoted at my job working in the box office for the symphony. I'm now a full-time employee, which means more hours, plus benefits, a monthly bus pass, and my own desk! I even got a plant for my desk, since I decided it needed a little color.

(Yes, that is a stuffed lobster on the divider between my desk and my coworkers. No, I don't know why it's there...)

This also meant that I have enough income to only have one job. I haven't had nearly enough time to practice my horn, so it will be a relief to know that each week I'll be working a maximum of 40 hours, rather than averaging around 45. It was bittersweet turning in my two-weeks notice at Starbucks, after working there for a year and a half. On one hand, I'll be glad to stop having outrageously early mornings and always looking terrible after getting done with a shift, but on the other hand, I'll miss my coworkers a lot.

Meanwhile, life can be summarized as "always being provided for." Major bills suddenly started popping up, but then I got my tuition payment for grad school refunded. Student loans are looming, but I now have the ability to work one full-time, well-paying job.

I like feeling less stressed, and will enjoy getting all that time to practice so soon! (And knit, and spin, and do everything else I miss getting to do)

~Allison

Tidbit of the day

I had a nice Australian man pull me aside in Target to ask my opinion on canned pumpkin pie fillings. Apparently as an American, I have discerning tastes. Or at least I would know what the difference was between the two.

Glad to know that my country of birth gives me the knowledge necessary to create a pumpkin pie, but not from scratch. (*laughing*)

Educating the public

I have AD/HD. I'm not hyperactive; my subset of the condition is primarily inattentive type. I was diagnosed in 7th grade, and tried a couple different types of medications until finding the one that worked best for my needs. I'm pretty open about this, mostly because while I don't think it "defines" me as a person, it does impact how I live my life.

Recently, I found out I would be without medical insurance coverage for about a month. (I also managed to visit a hospital within hours of not having coverage...because that was a good idea :P More on that later) Because of the short notice, I was unable to get prescription coverage for my AD/HD medication, and will not be able to do so until my new coverage from work kicks into effect in December.

I do pretty well making up for not having the meds. I generally do my best to grab a cup of coffee to help me focus at least a little, and to make up for the higher rate of exhaustion that I end up feeling. I make sure to sleep more, to help my brain recharge. And I make sure I always have post-it notes everywhere at work to take notes when tons of information is getting thrown at me at once.

Today, in the bi-monthly meeting at work, I was working to concentrate, and needed something physical to occupy the distracted portions of my brain. I grabbed a pen and a post-it, and started drawing curly cues. My boss, standing beside me, whispered loudly, "Allison, concentrate on the meeting!"

Now, this puts me in a tough spot. Don't get me wrong, I'll keep my mouth shut about the reason why I was doodling, and not retort that I was paying attention. But there is that overwhelming urge to educate said manager that it actually was more distracting for her to reprimand me and distract me from the conversation in the room than it was for my absent-minded drawing. I don't want to make excuses about how my neural synapses send plenty of messages, but that their arrival at their final destination is as reliable as USPS during a snowstorm. (Nothing against postal workers. I think you guys do great work.) I just got frustrated having someone assume that I was zoning out when I was actually doing what I could to concentrate.

A couple years ago, while in college, I had a professor do something similar. She pulled me aside outside of class one day, and made a remark basically telling me how much she disapproved of the fact that I was knitting in her class during lectures. I took the chance to explain to her that during lectures, I find it really hard to pay attention for any length of time, and taking notes ends up derailing me more than keeping me on track. So, I told her, my coping mechanism was to knit something simple and mindless to help keep the rest of my brain going in the right direction. Coincidentally, the class I was taking was Psychology of Music, so I suppose I would have hoped that a psychology/music professor would be understanding. (She was, post-explanation.)

It bothers me when people say that I definitely couldn't be AD/HD, because I'm not bouncing off the walls. Or when someone tells me that they think that it doesn't really exist because some person in their family told them so. Or that the medication is a stupid idea because some person they know who got diagnosed with it found out they could function better without it than with it. Every person is different. Just because a lot of my friends can drink 3 or 4 alcoholic drinks without getting drunk doesn't mean I can, so why would anyone assume that all people with AD/HD would take the same medications, or function the same way.

The world we live in isn't as compromising to different methods of working than it used to be. Look at our school system: Sit still in a desk for 6+ hours a day, with few breaks (especially in secondary school), and being expected to take notes, understand information, and spew it back onto very structured tests. I thrived when I got to college because I got to set my schedule, and my major was a lot more flexible. Now it's back to that world of sitting still for X-amount of hours a day, processing information and spewing it back into the correct format. It's not hard, but it can be challenging, especially without the help of medication to get those messages from the synapses to the receptors.

The point of all of this? If you don't know about the way someone's brain works, don't assume they're purposely ignoring you because they're doodling on a piece of paper. They might actually be doing exactly what they need to do to pay the best attention to you.