A brilliant beautiful Tuesday

Yet again, Seattle blessed us with a beautiful sunny day, and I got reminded how terribly pale I am. Seriously, I glow.

I discovered a really interesting article today, on my favorite horn related site. It was discussing the drama that often occurs in the music world, and its relation to the Karpman Drama Triangle. There are three points to this triangle (but only one person): the Rescuer, the Victim and the Persecutor. It's not the persecutor who starts this vicious cycle, however, it's the Rescuer. Here's what Mr. Hembd had to say about the Rescuer:

Rescuers are fairly easy to spot. They get caught up in enabling and helping people – whether they need it or not. They see themselves as good and doing good for other people. Their approach can vary, ranging from soft-and-gentle (passive aggression), all the way up to being assertive and bossy (active aggression).

They offer unsolicited advice and will rationalize it as “I care so much” or “I am just trying to help.” Rescuers are generally not aware that pity and disrespect are often at the core of their behavior ( i.e. “I know what’s best for you”). (...)

A Rescuer will typically slide into feeling victimized (“Poor me, I give so much, yet no one returns my efforts or truly recognizes them”). In time a Rescuer will even grow to resent their target (“That jerk just doesn’t get it. Why did I waste my time?”).

This cycle goes round and round, and with each shift in roles there is Drama, hence the name of the model. What is most destructive with this cycle for musicians is that it is all about the Drama, which ultimately stands in the way of problem-solving and progress.

My eyes have been opened. Honestly, I've always understood this cycle, to some extent, and understood the roles of the Victim and the Persecutor, but never had thought about the Rescuer. Suddenly I can identify where so much drama has started in my life, and I really can't be surprised any more when drama crops up because I feel that I'll be able to identify the source (especially in my own thinking, when I'm the one causing the drama) and really be able to quell it before it even begins. Who'd a thunk?

The author does state that one of the best options for avoiding this as musicians (and people really) is to pull away from the problem. He says, "What the drama triangle illustrates for us as musicians is the value of being non-reactive, and somewhat detached and non-judgmental in our practice."

He does also note that this doesn't mean be completely devoid of emotion, but rather identify the source of the emotion, and find an appropriate reaction rather than speaking out rashly.

--If you want to read the article, here's the link--

Favorite hilarious forum discovery of the day:

Handspun? Dang, I’m jealous! You know how to spin.
I have a top whorl drop spindle and a bit of roving and a book - I really want to learn this so I can make my life even more complicated than usual by knitting socks (hah!) with yarn I spun myself… very small socks - perhaps earring-sized socks or pendant socks or amulet-bag socks or even keychain socks…or maybe just part of a sock, say an elegant toe or a smashing ribby cuff…or a single heel flap dangling from the beginnings of one gusset…

Maybe I should work The Secret (TM) on it: you know, INTEND to spin and INTEND to knit socks from the yarn I spin - intend VERY DILIGENTLY and VERY HARD and FOR A LONG TIME, think positively sock-tastic thoughts, intend - intend - think hard - see myself walking in transparent clogs, showing off two knitted objects more or less covering my feet - more or less the same size, more or less the same shape; color matching optional, also pattern consistency - just make ‘em wearable…It’s artistic license, stop laughing.
Want perfect Kitchener? Just visualize it really hard. Ask the Universe for it. And it shall be done. Make it so, Universe. Make it so. And while you’re at it, manifest me that second sock…

~Allie

Practice...class...practice...lunch...practice...etc.

I wish I could report a more exciting day, but that's pretty much it. I stuffed 3 hours of practicing in pretty much every gap in my schedule. I did have fun this afternoon playing tennis with James, Ana, and Nicole :D Look at that, the pasty music major is getting outside!

Today I learned something new, though. I can never ever be satisfied with what I do in the practice room. I really needed that reminder that even after doing three hours of practicing, I still have tons of room for improvement. I just can't be satisfied with only putting in an hour or two because I'm not going to get anywhere. And you know the best part about spending hours in the practice room? (No, it's not the feeling of sweating off half of my body mass) I'm so busy focusing on what I need to do, I don't have the time or energy to wander around comparing myself to others. It's the weirdest thing, but the amount of practice time I put in is directly proportional to how bad I feel about myself compared to others.

--I'm going to interject and note that yes, it's really inappropriate to compare. It's a terribly bad habit, and I'm definitely going to work harder on not doing it. --

As I was saying, the more time I spend in the practice rooms working to make myself a better musician, the less I really care about how others are doing. I think a lot of it has to do with guilt. When I'm not putting in the practice time like I should be, I feel guilty, and then have to justify myself by walking around telling myself how much better I am than others, when that's really A) useless and B) crap. It's a much better feeling when I've done what I need to do, and know that I'm on the right track. I CAN do this, and I'm going to.

Also, I'm happy to say that because my practicing is done, I can sit back, relax and knit until my lesson at 9. What a lovely Monday!

Allie

Thoughts from the weekend

First of all, let me apologize to anyone who noticed me not, well, being here. I *finally* finished James' blanket that I started around our first Christmas. Then, feeling accomplished about finishing that huge project, I decided to try out my first lace pattern. It actually has lots of firsts: my first lace pattern, first time using lace weight yarn and the first time knitting a shawl. Though, I have to admit, lace is depressingly slow going because it seems really squished and small while you knit it, until you block it. (A translation for my non-knitting friends: blocking means getting the final product of your knitting damp or wet, then laying it out on a cushion and placing special pins and wires throughout it to stretch it out to your desired shape.) So, after a day and a half of working on it, in its squished state, it looks barely big enough for my teddy bear to wear. *sigh*

Knitting is wonderfully addictive, and it was actually really nice to just have a weekend away from everyone around me. Plus, it gave me an excuse to avoid all the questions last night as to why I wasn't going to Hall Ball. Truthfully, I just needed a weekend off. Midterms are draining, and I needed some relaxation to help heal the canker sores.

I didn't completely miss out on the fun from Hall Ball, however! No, I didn't go to the Star Wars exhibit, but I have now watched 5 of the 6 movies. I'm drawing the line after I finish Episode II because going through with watching Episode III will most definitely keep me up too late.

I think I've also learned this weekend (or relearned) that I need to be careful how I handle my feelings. Maybe it sounds stupid, but another one of my friends got engaged this weekend and I got super frustrated. I'm not even certain why. I think part of it is that I find it mildly ridiculous that so many people are getting engaged, and half of them aren't even 20 yet...and also, I barely get used to one person getting married or engaged, and another one posts pictures or statuses about getting engaged/married yet again. But most of all, I think I'm frustrated because I know that my relationship is just as serious, but James and I have decided to put off any thoughts of engagement until we figure out what's going on with graduate school. Translation: I won't know when we're going to get engaged until we figure out where we're going, if we're going, and when we're going. That puts the approximate range of time between spring of next year and sometime about 3 years from now.

I have to admit the thought of such an uncertain thing, and the fact that I really have no control over it is going to be a test of patience for the next however long. I pray that I do learn patience from this, because it's definitely not one of my strong suits.

Meanwhile, I'm going to go hide my shawl before I start itching to work on it. I'm banning myself from knitting unless I've gotten all 3 hours of my daily practicing done. Well, and homework too. Maybe that will motivate me? :D

Allie

I promise this will work...maybe.

I wish I was brilliant at blogging. Mostly I'm forgetful, and it's not like I'm in a foreign country where basically the only way I can get a hold of people is through my blogs. Then again, sometimes it's okay just to write a few sentences to remind the world that you exist, rather than worry about sounding brilliant.

It's beautiful in Seattle right now. The sun is out, the sky is clear, and I really want to practice my horn in my room instead of sitting in dark Crawford. I wonder if it would bug people much? I could try playing into a pillow :D

Saturdays are just best for relaxing. Pondering all you accomplished in the last week and start setting goals to improve for the next one. Personally, now that my mouth doesn't cry in pain every time I play in my middle register, I'm going to practice a lot more this week. I actually started getting out of shape, in just 3 days. It's frightening how easily that happens.

I have a lot of little decisions to make over the next few days, ones that aren't life changing, but still make a definite impact on life. God help me make the right decision, and do what is wise.

I'm excited for the summer, but I keep wondering: where in heaven's name did sophomore year go?? I swear I was just moving in a few months ago! Oh well. They always say that the older you get, the faster the years fly by. Next thing I know, I'm going to be walking through Safeco Field receiving my diploma. *shudder* But not yet. Until then, I'm going to continue working my hardest and enjoying my college years :)

Allie

We're back!

...and I'm glad to be here :) Though, right now it's a little hard to unpack because my roommate is crashed. Hope she gets better soon...and doesn't sleep in so late often. We don't want a repeat of what happened last year. I'm betting once we get the roommate covenant done, it'll make life much easier because everything will be set into writing.

I definitely chose the right room, though. The view is magnificent, and I love hearing the birds singing through the Loop. So far, the girls on my floor seem really nice, though I definitely need to get out and work on meeting them. I think the freshmen are still in the "ooh, scary sophomores" mode, so it may take a while for them to warm up. I'll keep flashing smiles at everyone in the meantime.

I can't wait to see what adventures lie in wait this year for me, and what fun new experiences I'll have! Sophomore year should be fantastic, and I look forward to every minute of it!

'Til later,

Allie

Job hunt update

This hunt is endless. I realized tonight that it doesn't really seem to matter how many dozens of applications I fill out, or resumes I send in, on this side of the state, it's all about connections. Of course, I don't have any of those, so I'm left hunting for every opening on craigslist and major corperation websites like Safeway and Starbucks. Not that I'm really trying to whine about "oh woe is me"...mostly just feeling frustrated about my lack of connections pretty much anywhere. :P So, blogging world, if you feel like being awesome and handing me either a part-time job starting now or a full-time summer job starting in June, I'd appreciate it! Until then, I will rely on what help I can get from friends and family (by this I mean Rachel lol) and keep filling out those applications.

On a slightly separate note, I'm enjoying most of my classes this quarter, and feeling ahead in at least two of them. I find it interesting that I always feel ill-prepared for lessons, but I've heard this phenomenon is totally natural and everyone feels that way. I hope my left wrist stops hurting for tomorrow, but I took some time off typing and didn't go practicing this evening so that it could recover. In my mind, it makes more sense to practice comfortably tomorrow than practice with only half effort because of the pain, wouldn't you agree?

I really hope that I've fixed the comment errors, but if not, I'm very, very sorry! Please feel free to try commenting anyway!

~Allie

And yet another week goes by...

Highlights of this week:
being sudo-principal horn for wind symphony on Friday (with all the solos :D)
watching Thalia Symphony Friday night
Zoo trip yesterday :)
Lots of practicing this week
And being ahead on readings for my classes :)

So, I finally decided that I wanted people to know that my blog exists, and posted the link on facebook, then got notified that I hadn't allowed commenting in my settings. This definitely explains why Sami and Marsh couldn't comment on my posts (if they tried, that is lol). For the rest of my evening, it looks like I will be working on homework, watching movies and hopefully add in a couple hours of practicing tonight :)

I have decided that my hair looks excellent in a half-back, which is a good thing to know now that the weather is improving and I don't necessarily want my hair down all the time. Probably not anything worth stating for everyone reading, but at least it'll be a reminder to me.

I'm currently watching Reign of Fire, which is supposedly a scary movie. I dislike being scared a ton, so I hope it's not as bad as people say it is. Crossing my fingers!