Today, I deactivated my Facebook account. Reasons include all the creepy tracking of my data, the weird desire to "facebook stalk" old colleagues and friends, the lack of actual content from my friends, plus being insanely sick of feeling inadequate compared to others around me. I still wasn't connected to anyone here in Boston, and I enjoy the fact that it meant I ask others what they did over the weekend because I didn't already see a status or a photo album about it. It also was contributing to homesickness because I could live my life in both places at once, which is just not a healthy thing to do. I want to move away from being like my same-generation peers in obsessively checking my phone. It's disturbing how often I opened the facebook app on my phone.
I think my next priority, once Chris has a job that doesn't involve us never seeing each other, will be to keep my phone stashed away in my bag all day. We used to live without being tethered to smart phones. Heck, smart phones weren't a thing 10 years ago. I'm so ready to try and be part of the physical world again. I realized a few days ago that the people who I consider to be my closest friends are the ones who take the time to call and catch up on a regular basis. They're the only ones I feel very connected to, especially since moving thousands of miles away from home.
On that note: 2016 in review!
What a year. Let's see...January wasn't super memorable off the top of my head. February was marked by my boss being let go, which meant that I had a ton of extra work, which meant I was extra stressed out. Therefore, I found a hobby: running! Spent February and March training to run the 10k in honor of the brand new 520 bridge spanning Lake Washington! Somewhere around April or May I got a minor promotion and title change at work, and was training towards doing a half marathon in July. In May I went for a long run from Redmond to Woodinville and back, and halfway home (around 6-7 miles into the run), my right foot started hurting so badly I couldn't walk on it and had to be rescued by one of my roommates. After a visit to an urgent care center, and a short stint with crutches, I was referred to a podiatrist who diagnosed that my right leg was slightly shorter than my left, and therefore the tendon that runs down the outside of my leg, under the arch of my foot, and connects by the big toe was inflamed by trying to stretch to be the same length. Got some super fancy custom orthotics (that were not covered by insurance. Boo.) and after a few weeks off from running as I broke them in, got the okay to ease back into exercise.
Well, I would have jumped back into exercising, but then I found a listing for a job just like mine, but at the Boston Symphony and, after discussing with Chris, applied for said job, hoping I might just get a phone interview or something. One phone interview, Skype interview, and in-person interview later, Chris and I found ourselves packing up our lives and driving across the country so I could start working at the BSO in late August. Whew!
I don't know how much detail I want to put into that drive across the country, but it was certainly the ordeal of the year. Two vehicles, two drivers, one trailer, two cats, all the stuff we could bring...not to mention the fact that we didn't know whether or not we would have an apartment when we got to Boston! We only really got the confirmation from our broker that we got the place when we were nearly in Massachusetts on the last day of driving. It took about two weeks to get my poor stomach back on track, between the poor travel diet and the stress. Chris and I agreed that if we ever have to move across the country again, we're shipping the important stuff, buying two plane tickets and flying with the cats wherever we need to go. Or maybe just driving in one car together. I'm sure it would have been way more pleasant if we weren't both driving the 3,500+ miles across the country effectively alone.
Let's see...after that whirlwind, we did our best to settle in (despite having basically no money), Chris found a job as a supervisor at the biggest Whole Foods in New England, though we hope that it's just a temporary job since A) we never see each other (he works evenings) and B) it would be great if he could get a nice office job that wouldn't put so much stress on his body. After being in the state about 4 weeks, having decided he would while we drove across the country, Chris proposed on September 18th, and I said yes! (No, we didn't make it facebook official. We chafed against that idea. And since only some family members and friends read my blog, I figure it's safe to share that here.) Plans are continuously changing, so no update there. I have NO idea what we're going to do exactly, but I already have my wedding dress, thanks to a coworker who just so happened to have a dress used in her husband's indie film that was almost perfectly in my size. (Being 5 feet tall, I'll of course have to hem the darn thing, but that's still less expensive than buying new!)
The last big news of the year is that we consolidated our two cars into one new-to-us car. Boston just isn't the kind of city where you should own two cars. Really, unless you commute out of town, you don't really need even one, but Chris needs it for work. It's a fantastic little Subaru Crosstrek, and bonus, it's lime green! And has heated seats. Which for some reason was the number one thing I wanted in a car after AWD.
We're not yet quite to the end of the year, but after a quiet Christmas with just the two of us, I'm looking forward to a quiet New Years, ushering in a new year and a new adventure! And who knows? Maybe a wedding too :)
~Allie
Tuesday, December 27, 2016
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Finding healthy priorities
I've been pretty reclusive the past few months, so if you haven't seen much of me, it might come as a surprise that I've had a pretty unpleasant post-holiday period.
It won't take a lot of reflection and thought to come up with what was wrong. My work-life balance had gotten all out of whack, and it started draining on me, emotionally and physically. It's exhausting thinking about work all the time, and leading up to events I would find myself waking up for an hour at a time around 2 am worrying about some tiny detail.
Some of the stress was definitely caused by traffic nightmares. On a good day, my commute is a nice 45 minutes each direction, which is enough time to get some knitting in without getting cramps in my legs or a sore butt. However, a trend began this winter with our heavy rains: whenever it would rain, my commute would begin to lengthen horribly. One of the worst days was an 80-minute commute into work, followed by an 85-minute commute home. And, in case anyone was confused by the matter, having your commute compound in length whenever it rains is not something helpful when you live in and around Seattle. It has a tendency to rain often here in the winter.
I wish I could tell you all what the tipping point was. I remember there came a week where I hadn't knit at all because I was too stressed to even want to pull it out (which is odd, considering knitting is basically my yoga). I would spend my evenings tucked away back in my bedroom, away from everyone else in the apartment, likely with Kiva on my lap. I feel like the turning point may have been when I made the decision to pay to do a 10k in April (because why would I do a 5k first? That would be way too normal!), and therefore started running several times a week. It also may have been when the sun started actually being present when I would go out to catch the bus. (Yes, Mom, I have been using my sun lamp, but it's just no comparison to the real thing!)
The biggest shift has been a mental one. It's okay that my job is only part of my life 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. While some of my coworkers truly love living the job, it's healthier for me to focus on my hobbies and activities. It doesn't mean I don't like my job. On the contrary, I now like my job a lot better, because I'm not sitting at home focusing on the frustrating aspects.
I'm also back to knitting, and enjoying going for runs, and using the time to catch up with a couple long-distance friends too! It's easier getting my stuff done at work because I view it daily with fresh eyes, rather than having spent my free time worrying my way through every interaction and report.
I don't recommend living only for work. Somehow, it seemed like a much more bland and frankly, awful, experience than where I am now.
It won't take a lot of reflection and thought to come up with what was wrong. My work-life balance had gotten all out of whack, and it started draining on me, emotionally and physically. It's exhausting thinking about work all the time, and leading up to events I would find myself waking up for an hour at a time around 2 am worrying about some tiny detail.
Some of the stress was definitely caused by traffic nightmares. On a good day, my commute is a nice 45 minutes each direction, which is enough time to get some knitting in without getting cramps in my legs or a sore butt. However, a trend began this winter with our heavy rains: whenever it would rain, my commute would begin to lengthen horribly. One of the worst days was an 80-minute commute into work, followed by an 85-minute commute home. And, in case anyone was confused by the matter, having your commute compound in length whenever it rains is not something helpful when you live in and around Seattle. It has a tendency to rain often here in the winter.
I wish I could tell you all what the tipping point was. I remember there came a week where I hadn't knit at all because I was too stressed to even want to pull it out (which is odd, considering knitting is basically my yoga). I would spend my evenings tucked away back in my bedroom, away from everyone else in the apartment, likely with Kiva on my lap. I feel like the turning point may have been when I made the decision to pay to do a 10k in April (because why would I do a 5k first? That would be way too normal!), and therefore started running several times a week. It also may have been when the sun started actually being present when I would go out to catch the bus. (Yes, Mom, I have been using my sun lamp, but it's just no comparison to the real thing!)
The biggest shift has been a mental one. It's okay that my job is only part of my life 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. While some of my coworkers truly love living the job, it's healthier for me to focus on my hobbies and activities. It doesn't mean I don't like my job. On the contrary, I now like my job a lot better, because I'm not sitting at home focusing on the frustrating aspects.
I'm also back to knitting, and enjoying going for runs, and using the time to catch up with a couple long-distance friends too! It's easier getting my stuff done at work because I view it daily with fresh eyes, rather than having spent my free time worrying my way through every interaction and report.
I don't recommend living only for work. Somehow, it seemed like a much more bland and frankly, awful, experience than where I am now.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
2015 in review
Summarizing a year isn't always easy. This year in particular has been totally full of ups and downs. The worst of the downs slammed itself right into the beginning of the holiday season, so it's with little exaggeration that I can say I'm relieved to have 2015 be walking out the door. I have high hopes for 2016.
2015 Things of Note (and yes, I'll admit to going to my facebook page to figure out what all happened this year):
January-
2015 Things of Note (and yes, I'll admit to going to my facebook page to figure out what all happened this year):
January-
- Finished my first sweater of the year
February-
- Traveled to Boston, Kansas City, and Chicago to do grad school auditions.
- Premiered Chris's First Symphony in B minor (first movement) with the SPU orchestra
- Finished my second sweater of the year (for Chris!)
- Came to the conclusion that grad school for performance was not panning out (two waitlists and a rejection) and decided with my horn teacher that I should stop pursuing a career as a horn player
April-
- Moved to Redmond
- Finished third sweater of the year
May-
- Bought my first car!
- Finished a non-sweater object (and my first garment using cashmere)
June-
- Proctored the horn auditions for SSO
- Celebrated two years with Chris
- Was offered (and accepted) a position in Fundraising as the Campaign Coordinator at SSO
July-
- Turned 24
- Bought myself a stand mixer for my birthday
August-
- Attended my first work conference in Orlando
- Finished out the sunniest summer I've ever witnessed in Seattle.
September-
- Finished my fourth sweater (super special, as it was knit with yarn from a knitting friend who passed away earlier in the year from cancer)
- Paid off my first student loan
- Worked my first Opening Night Gala
October-
- Played principal in my first opera: Faure's Penelope
- Finished sweater number five
November-
November gets a paragraph. The majority of the month was fairly uneventful, full of Baxter-sitting and work. However, the Friday before Thanksgiving, we received the shocking news that Chris's father had passed away very suddenly because of a heart attack. The following two weeks were a blur of grieving and trying to tie up loose ends. My awesome boss helped make sure I got maximum bereavement leave so we could fly to Boston and back to bury him at the family plot. I've never been so thankful to be welcomed and part of Chris's family, and while the circumstances were far less than ideal, it was wonderful to spend so much time with all of them.
I also finished my sixth sweater and a pair of socks for Chris.
December-
- Spent three weekends playing in the pit for She Loves Me
- Did more Baxter-sitting
- Got to see Star Wars (!!!) twice in theaters
- Finished my first 100% designed-by-me knitted object as a favor for a friend
It wasn't a horrible year. Heck, I knit six sweaters (six and a half, if you consider I have only sleeves and a hood left on another sweater for Chris), socks, and a small blanket! But it has been an emotionally draining end to the year, and I am very ready to see what new challenges and opportunities 2016 will bring.
I wish you all a fun holiday weekend, and the very best for the new year!
~Allie
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Giving thanks, especially during hard times
Today I am thankful for the wonderful family I got to share the day with, the amazing food we ate, the memories recalled, and that my own parents were able to make extra time to come see me on their way back home.
It's hard to believe that so much has happened in less than a week. Was it only Friday that Chris texted me midday to tell me his father had passed away? There hasn't been time to even stop and process it all, and I'm not sure there will be for a bit yet. The memorial here in the Puget Sound will be on Monday, then we'll be flying to Boston for the service there, where he will be laid to rest with his parents and brother on Wednesday.
Laid to rest.
None of us were ready for him to go. Could we ever have been? But I reflect upon the man that I knew, and the memories shared by those who loved him his whole life, and I am so thankful I got to know him at all. My best words of tribute to John are that he was the best father-in-law I'll never get to have. He loved me, and loved my relationship with Chris...he sat on the phone once with me (while he had guests for dinner, mind you) because I was driving my uncle's Forester and the radiator cap blew, causing it to overheat. I'll never forget that while I was working to calm and explain the situation, he told me all about how Subarus have engines designed similarly to airplane engines. (He was also tickled when I took that piece of information and bought my own Forester. Which has not had radiator troubles, thankfully.)
He leaves behind a legacy; children and grand children who are also "wicked smaht", loving, and generous. A wonderful family that I have the absolute pleasure of being a piece of.
My own parents, too, have been wonderful these past few days. I think I've called Mom nearly daily to have someone to talk to, and despite the late hour, they even stopped by the family house tonight to give me hugs and meet Chris's family.
It's heartbreaking to really consider the circumstances that have brought us together, but I'm so glad that I'm surrounded by such wonderful people, who remain just as wonderful in these terrible circumstances. It says a hell of a lot about every person's character, and I love them all.
--
In more mundane news, I've knit a few sweaters, am working on another sweater for Chris, and a blanket for a friend. I made an awesome apple pie for dessert tonight, and I'm super thankful for my boss, who authorized me taking time to be with Chris through all of the flights and services.
I think the lessons I've learned, coming out of all this, are that you should fully live during every moment you have; to love your family (traditional family and the less traditional family made up of friends and those close to you); and to never miss the chance to say I love you. Ever.
Monday, July 20, 2015
In which a career was begun
The title's not to say that working in the ticket office wasn't a real job or anything, but now I'm finally feeling like I'm earning my keep, and being paid decently to do it. I'm not inherently wealthy now, just much more comfortable than my previous status of making-it-by-the-skin-of-my-teeth.
I have a retirement plan started. I bought a new wardrobe...though I apparently won't stop being frugal any time soon: I bought most of it on sale. I would have avoided buying new clothes altogether, but my black slacks were 7 years old and had done 18 months of hard Starbucks work, my only pencil skirt fit a bit too tightly to be comfortable for professional office work, and I only had a couple dresses that weren't too dressy for my new position.
I like my new job thus far. It's a bit crazy, and my learning curve has had to be very high, as the person training me will be leaving in just over a week. I'm going to have to learn how to stick up for myself and say no. I'm also going to have some fun saying yes when I used to not be able to. I enjoy dressing nicely, though thanks to my director's kindness, I'll be allowed to wear jeans any time I'm not working events or having meetings with the big important people. I plan to set aside some money so when the fall fashions arrive (soon!) I can get a new pair of boot cut jeans to wear with heels. My old pair died within weeks of my last pair of skinny jeans, and now I only own the one pair of skinny jeans.
The downsides to my job? Well...I have to shave my legs. I'm wearing knee-length dresses and skirts now. I also get to have this weird feeling of running around like a headless chicken sometimes because I get stuff thrown at me from all directions simultaneously. BUT, the flip side is I get to use the organization skills learned after two years in the ticket office to figure out how to juggle it all. Let me get through the beginning of the season in September before I let you all know how well I'm going to swim! Oh, and I do spend a lot of time in meetings, but I'm sure they'll get more relevant as I get to know my position and duties better..
The major upsides? Well, I somewhat get to set my own hours, which means no one bats an eye if I work 7:30-4 or 5. I get quiet time to get my work done before everyone else gets home, and I have a shorter commute because I avoid the worst of the commuter traffic in and out of the city. Depending on the day, I do have the option to work from home, though I'll figure that stuff out later once I'm less dependent on getting information from everyone around me. I also got an office (shared with another employee)! It's not perfect, considering there's someone else in it, but he's fairly quiet, and I'm very quiet at work (shocking, I know...but most of the time I have headphones in and am processing data and drafting letters). And now I have a door, and a rubber tree that I adopted from the most recent greenery change at the hall. I may need to name my new plant. He does a very good job of being my final screen between my door and my desk. Fewer people see me = fewer people interrupt me.
So in summary? I'm pretty happy. It's nice being able to pay my bills without doing a bunch of mental math first. It's nice wearing clothes that aren't older than my niece. It's nice being a somebody when I used to feel sort of like a nobody. I also need to get new business cards.
Bring it on, world!
~Allison
I have a retirement plan started. I bought a new wardrobe...though I apparently won't stop being frugal any time soon: I bought most of it on sale. I would have avoided buying new clothes altogether, but my black slacks were 7 years old and had done 18 months of hard Starbucks work, my only pencil skirt fit a bit too tightly to be comfortable for professional office work, and I only had a couple dresses that weren't too dressy for my new position.
I like my new job thus far. It's a bit crazy, and my learning curve has had to be very high, as the person training me will be leaving in just over a week. I'm going to have to learn how to stick up for myself and say no. I'm also going to have some fun saying yes when I used to not be able to. I enjoy dressing nicely, though thanks to my director's kindness, I'll be allowed to wear jeans any time I'm not working events or having meetings with the big important people. I plan to set aside some money so when the fall fashions arrive (soon!) I can get a new pair of boot cut jeans to wear with heels. My old pair died within weeks of my last pair of skinny jeans, and now I only own the one pair of skinny jeans.
The downsides to my job? Well...I have to shave my legs. I'm wearing knee-length dresses and skirts now. I also get to have this weird feeling of running around like a headless chicken sometimes because I get stuff thrown at me from all directions simultaneously. BUT, the flip side is I get to use the organization skills learned after two years in the ticket office to figure out how to juggle it all. Let me get through the beginning of the season in September before I let you all know how well I'm going to swim! Oh, and I do spend a lot of time in meetings, but I'm sure they'll get more relevant as I get to know my position and duties better..
The major upsides? Well, I somewhat get to set my own hours, which means no one bats an eye if I work 7:30-4 or 5. I get quiet time to get my work done before everyone else gets home, and I have a shorter commute because I avoid the worst of the commuter traffic in and out of the city. Depending on the day, I do have the option to work from home, though I'll figure that stuff out later once I'm less dependent on getting information from everyone around me. I also got an office (shared with another employee)! It's not perfect, considering there's someone else in it, but he's fairly quiet, and I'm very quiet at work (shocking, I know...but most of the time I have headphones in and am processing data and drafting letters). And now I have a door, and a rubber tree that I adopted from the most recent greenery change at the hall. I may need to name my new plant. He does a very good job of being my final screen between my door and my desk. Fewer people see me = fewer people interrupt me.
So in summary? I'm pretty happy. It's nice being able to pay my bills without doing a bunch of mental math first. It's nice wearing clothes that aren't older than my niece. It's nice being a somebody when I used to feel sort of like a nobody. I also need to get new business cards.
Bring it on, world!
~Allison
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
A little levity
In my family, we pride ourselves on our senses of humor. My father is the best at puns and "Dad Jokes" (You know, the kind of joke where you ask someone for a hand with something and they start applauding?).
Well, for years, my oldest sister has been teased because it took her about 20 years to finally understand the joke "How do you get down off an elephant? You don't. You get down off a duck!"
(I'll give you a second to get it... Still don't? Think down feathers.)
The story goes that she finally got it while getting ready to sleep under her down comforter. She called my parents, and Dad especially got a good laugh out of it. It usually gets brought up at nearly every family holiday. Well, Rachel no longer has to be laughed at alone.
Chris and I were joking around last night, telling knock-knock jokes when I turned to him and said, "What's black and white and red all over?" to which he responded, "A newspaper!" I got all up in arms and started complaining about how that joke made no sense because a newspaper isn't red. His eyes got big, and he asked, "Are you serious?" And then it hit me...a newspaper is black and white and READ all over. Darn those homophones.
So yes, I called my parents and they laughed that yet again, one of their daughters was oblivious to a joke that most 5-year-olds could figure out.
I'm just glad to finally get it!
Well, for years, my oldest sister has been teased because it took her about 20 years to finally understand the joke "How do you get down off an elephant? You don't. You get down off a duck!"
(I'll give you a second to get it... Still don't? Think down feathers.)
The story goes that she finally got it while getting ready to sleep under her down comforter. She called my parents, and Dad especially got a good laugh out of it. It usually gets brought up at nearly every family holiday. Well, Rachel no longer has to be laughed at alone.
Chris and I were joking around last night, telling knock-knock jokes when I turned to him and said, "What's black and white and red all over?" to which he responded, "A newspaper!" I got all up in arms and started complaining about how that joke made no sense because a newspaper isn't red. His eyes got big, and he asked, "Are you serious?" And then it hit me...a newspaper is black and white and READ all over. Darn those homophones.
So yes, I called my parents and they laughed that yet again, one of their daughters was oblivious to a joke that most 5-year-olds could figure out.
I'm just glad to finally get it!
Monday, April 13, 2015
Another pesky life update
Hello all!
I'm still on the planet. There wasn't much to post about in the past 5 or so months, considering you'd be hearing a repeated mantra of "Got up early, practiced before work, did some work, practiced some more, went to rehearsal, went home to sleep. Repeat forever." No one wants to read that.
Well, the mantra appears to have been in vain. I had promised myself after college that I would keep pushing forward in my career goals, get into grad school, get my masters in performance, then figure things out from there. See if by the time I was 30 I was actually making a career out of playing horn. Looks like life caught up with me long before I expected it to.
I did go and do the grad school trips in February. I felt pretty good about my playing, but when the results finally came back in late March, it wasn't pretty: two waitlists and a rejection. Also a rejection from the one summer festival I threw an application out for (I figured I really ought to stay and work for the summer if I was going to stop having a job in the fall when I went back to school). When the rejection came, my horn teacher and I sat down and had a serious talk about what this means for me. His advice was to stop having a goal to make my money solely from playing horn. The cruel truth was that if I wasn't good enough to get into even a mid-level conservatory for grad school, there was no way I was going to stay afloat in a sea of very talented and hard-working horn players that are streaming out of conservatories and big name public schools.
I cried. I was angry. I wanted to know why so many people had told me that I had potential to make it as a performer, and encouraged me, when it felt like the whole time I had no chance at it. I started to play the what-if game, but before that took off, Chris and I had a good talk about how unhealthy that was, and started to work towards re-framing my thinking away from the pain of rejection and disappointment, and toward what happens next.
It hurt to admit it at first, but after about...oh four or five hours of being upset, that there was a tiny voice in the back of my head that was sighing out of relief. I had worked my butt off toward this goal, and while it didn't work out, it meant there were other things I could do instead. I could stay in the Puget Sound, building a career! I could finish the move out to Redmond (more on that in a bit) and stay put for a while. I could keep putting money away in savings thanks to my new-found money saving skills! I could take the money I had been putting aside to buy a triple horn to instead buy something that would make life easier: a car (more on that later as well).
As time has gone on, while I'm technically still waiting to hear from the two schools where I'm on the wait list, I've started to relax and take time to enjoy my time and hobbies more. I'm knitting lots more, though that has more to do with my commute length than anything else. My psoriasis has gotten way less severe because I'm no longer stressed and filled with guilt when I do anything less than three hours of practicing a day (I still aim for at least one a day). I'm still taking gigs, still playing in a few different groups, but now I'm playing because I want to play, and not just because I desperately want to put pieces on my music resume. I can say no if I want, and that's okay.
So, in summary, I'm not aiming to play professionally 100% any more. I'm still aiming to be a great horn player, will keep working to improve my playing, and have actually really started the process of getting networked into some light freelancing in Seattle. With that, and the fact that I've moved to the suburbs, the time for a car has finally arrived. I'm still working to save for a decent down payment so I can get approved for a decent loan. While my credit is getting better every month, I'm still young, so getting good interest rates is tough. My goal is to find a car and get the ball rolling in the next couple months.
As for the move? Yup, I live out in Redmond. If someone had told me two or three years ago that I'd be moving this far outside Seattle, I would have thought they were crazy. There's no way I'd want to move out of the city! Well, I laugh to say it now, but I love living in the suburbs. Sure, if I need to pop over to the grocery store to pick up eggs, it's now going to take 30 minutes to walk the mile and a half to Safeway, and busing is basically impossible on weekends or outside regular commuting hours on the weekdays, but I love where I live. My apartment complex is everything I ever wanted in a living situation, but never could have afforded in Seattle. We have fitness centers, recreation centers, a tennis/basketball court, and three swimming pools! 24/7 maintenance on site, and the leasing office is open 9-6 every day. Oh, and security patrols every evening from 10 pm until 5 am, so if neighbors get rowdy, there's someone you can call and that can deal with it right away! But quiet isn't a problem out there...in spite of how many people live in the complex, many of them families, everything stays fairly quiet. Best part of living around families is that they're getting quiet and settled down for the night about the same time the college students would start getting ramped up for parties in my old place.
Oh, and I've already found a knitting group that meets not too far from my apartment on Sunday mornings, and have a standing invitation to join a spinning guild once my transportation changes when I get a car. Welcoming!
In summary, western WA is going to be dealing with me for a while longer, and I'm looking forward to seeing how this new routine and lifestyle turn out.
I'm still on the planet. There wasn't much to post about in the past 5 or so months, considering you'd be hearing a repeated mantra of "Got up early, practiced before work, did some work, practiced some more, went to rehearsal, went home to sleep. Repeat forever." No one wants to read that.
Well, the mantra appears to have been in vain. I had promised myself after college that I would keep pushing forward in my career goals, get into grad school, get my masters in performance, then figure things out from there. See if by the time I was 30 I was actually making a career out of playing horn. Looks like life caught up with me long before I expected it to.
I did go and do the grad school trips in February. I felt pretty good about my playing, but when the results finally came back in late March, it wasn't pretty: two waitlists and a rejection. Also a rejection from the one summer festival I threw an application out for (I figured I really ought to stay and work for the summer if I was going to stop having a job in the fall when I went back to school). When the rejection came, my horn teacher and I sat down and had a serious talk about what this means for me. His advice was to stop having a goal to make my money solely from playing horn. The cruel truth was that if I wasn't good enough to get into even a mid-level conservatory for grad school, there was no way I was going to stay afloat in a sea of very talented and hard-working horn players that are streaming out of conservatories and big name public schools.
I cried. I was angry. I wanted to know why so many people had told me that I had potential to make it as a performer, and encouraged me, when it felt like the whole time I had no chance at it. I started to play the what-if game, but before that took off, Chris and I had a good talk about how unhealthy that was, and started to work towards re-framing my thinking away from the pain of rejection and disappointment, and toward what happens next.
It hurt to admit it at first, but after about...oh four or five hours of being upset, that there was a tiny voice in the back of my head that was sighing out of relief. I had worked my butt off toward this goal, and while it didn't work out, it meant there were other things I could do instead. I could stay in the Puget Sound, building a career! I could finish the move out to Redmond (more on that in a bit) and stay put for a while. I could keep putting money away in savings thanks to my new-found money saving skills! I could take the money I had been putting aside to buy a triple horn to instead buy something that would make life easier: a car (more on that later as well).
As time has gone on, while I'm technically still waiting to hear from the two schools where I'm on the wait list, I've started to relax and take time to enjoy my time and hobbies more. I'm knitting lots more, though that has more to do with my commute length than anything else. My psoriasis has gotten way less severe because I'm no longer stressed and filled with guilt when I do anything less than three hours of practicing a day (I still aim for at least one a day). I'm still taking gigs, still playing in a few different groups, but now I'm playing because I want to play, and not just because I desperately want to put pieces on my music resume. I can say no if I want, and that's okay.
So, in summary, I'm not aiming to play professionally 100% any more. I'm still aiming to be a great horn player, will keep working to improve my playing, and have actually really started the process of getting networked into some light freelancing in Seattle. With that, and the fact that I've moved to the suburbs, the time for a car has finally arrived. I'm still working to save for a decent down payment so I can get approved for a decent loan. While my credit is getting better every month, I'm still young, so getting good interest rates is tough. My goal is to find a car and get the ball rolling in the next couple months.
As for the move? Yup, I live out in Redmond. If someone had told me two or three years ago that I'd be moving this far outside Seattle, I would have thought they were crazy. There's no way I'd want to move out of the city! Well, I laugh to say it now, but I love living in the suburbs. Sure, if I need to pop over to the grocery store to pick up eggs, it's now going to take 30 minutes to walk the mile and a half to Safeway, and busing is basically impossible on weekends or outside regular commuting hours on the weekdays, but I love where I live. My apartment complex is everything I ever wanted in a living situation, but never could have afforded in Seattle. We have fitness centers, recreation centers, a tennis/basketball court, and three swimming pools! 24/7 maintenance on site, and the leasing office is open 9-6 every day. Oh, and security patrols every evening from 10 pm until 5 am, so if neighbors get rowdy, there's someone you can call and that can deal with it right away! But quiet isn't a problem out there...in spite of how many people live in the complex, many of them families, everything stays fairly quiet. Best part of living around families is that they're getting quiet and settled down for the night about the same time the college students would start getting ramped up for parties in my old place.
Oh, and I've already found a knitting group that meets not too far from my apartment on Sunday mornings, and have a standing invitation to join a spinning guild once my transportation changes when I get a car. Welcoming!
In summary, western WA is going to be dealing with me for a while longer, and I'm looking forward to seeing how this new routine and lifestyle turn out.
Friday, November 14, 2014
The importance of positivity
It's been a tough couple years for me to keep thinking positively. Getting myself all psyched up and ready to go to grad school right after my undergrad, then having that rug pulled out from under me was shocking on my poor little system, especially for this particular system that tends to run more half-empty than half-full.
And yet, in spite of what felt like a major set back, there came some good things. I got my first full-time (with benefits) job right as the healthcare changes made it so my parents couldn't pay for insurance with me on it still. It wasn't a stellar income builder, but it was enough to live on. I had access to practice rooms whenever I wanted, I just needed to get my butt back into gear and start putting some real work in. You see, after I graduated undergrad, there were several months where I basically never touched my horn because I was working 60 hours a week to try to make grad school work. Then, once I realized I couldn't go to school, I set my horn down for another few months because I was horribly burnt out from all those extra work hours, and just hated the feeling of disappointment.
Then came the fall, with ensembles starting up again, and a swift kick in the butt from Chris that I was wasting my own time by not playing. I also know that I had been rather disappointed in myself, not having the motivation I desperately needed. I don't remember when I started practicing every work day...I want to say it was somewhere around Lent, as I gave up "days off from practicing" for those 40 days prior to Easter. I wasn't entirely successful, but it got the ball rolling. Right about that same time period was when I decided to restart lessons (another brilliant move on my part, if I do say so...then again, it's also a pretty obvious one).
There were some ups and downs. I remember my teacher looking at me and frankly saying that if I didn't change how I was playing the horn, I was stuck. Not going to move forward, and definitely going to kill my chances to get back into school and get my musical career moving again. (That was an especially depressing moment.)
And then the really positive comments started to float my direction. My teacher had lit a fire under my butt, and I was really getting back into gear. I had one of the SSO violinists commend me for my practice habits (I have to walk through backstage to get to the practice rooms) and inform me that he hoped to see me get to play in the orchestra someday. Our stage crew is fantastic, and make sure to say hello every morning when they see me. Today, I had a conversation with one of our stage hands, who always is the one to mention how dedicated I am, and he mentioned how since coming to work at the Symphony, he is continually amazed at the "great kids" employed here who are working so hard toward their goals, as opposed to the kids you always hear about on the news that are getting into trouble. I made a snarky comment about how I made a point not to try to make headlines, and one of the other stage hands joined the conversation to inform me that someday I would be making headlines, but for all the right reasons.
When people in general give me compliments on my playing or my dedication, I usually take it with a grain of salt because family and friends,especially those who don't know much about classical music, like to say nice things because somehow there's some mystique about what I do. But, to hear from people who are actively involved in music, whether backstage running the details of getting everything on stage to work, or actually being on the stage playing the music, it makes a huge difference. The most rewarding comment of all came through my horn teacher this week, after I've been fighting chapped, exhausted lips and mouthpiece changes, I took some time off to prepare for the recordings I'm making this weekend. We had our lesson yesterday afternoon, and after some minor tweaking, he said that it was the best he's ever heard me play.
That all being said, compliments feel good. And with the most recent handful I've gotten this week, I'm raring to go and get these recordings done so I can get on with this process! Wish me luck, this could be quite an adventure.
~Allison
And yet, in spite of what felt like a major set back, there came some good things. I got my first full-time (with benefits) job right as the healthcare changes made it so my parents couldn't pay for insurance with me on it still. It wasn't a stellar income builder, but it was enough to live on. I had access to practice rooms whenever I wanted, I just needed to get my butt back into gear and start putting some real work in. You see, after I graduated undergrad, there were several months where I basically never touched my horn because I was working 60 hours a week to try to make grad school work. Then, once I realized I couldn't go to school, I set my horn down for another few months because I was horribly burnt out from all those extra work hours, and just hated the feeling of disappointment.
Then came the fall, with ensembles starting up again, and a swift kick in the butt from Chris that I was wasting my own time by not playing. I also know that I had been rather disappointed in myself, not having the motivation I desperately needed. I don't remember when I started practicing every work day...I want to say it was somewhere around Lent, as I gave up "days off from practicing" for those 40 days prior to Easter. I wasn't entirely successful, but it got the ball rolling. Right about that same time period was when I decided to restart lessons (another brilliant move on my part, if I do say so...then again, it's also a pretty obvious one).
There were some ups and downs. I remember my teacher looking at me and frankly saying that if I didn't change how I was playing the horn, I was stuck. Not going to move forward, and definitely going to kill my chances to get back into school and get my musical career moving again. (That was an especially depressing moment.)
And then the really positive comments started to float my direction. My teacher had lit a fire under my butt, and I was really getting back into gear. I had one of the SSO violinists commend me for my practice habits (I have to walk through backstage to get to the practice rooms) and inform me that he hoped to see me get to play in the orchestra someday. Our stage crew is fantastic, and make sure to say hello every morning when they see me. Today, I had a conversation with one of our stage hands, who always is the one to mention how dedicated I am, and he mentioned how since coming to work at the Symphony, he is continually amazed at the "great kids" employed here who are working so hard toward their goals, as opposed to the kids you always hear about on the news that are getting into trouble. I made a snarky comment about how I made a point not to try to make headlines, and one of the other stage hands joined the conversation to inform me that someday I would be making headlines, but for all the right reasons.
When people in general give me compliments on my playing or my dedication, I usually take it with a grain of salt because family and friends,especially those who don't know much about classical music, like to say nice things because somehow there's some mystique about what I do. But, to hear from people who are actively involved in music, whether backstage running the details of getting everything on stage to work, or actually being on the stage playing the music, it makes a huge difference. The most rewarding comment of all came through my horn teacher this week, after I've been fighting chapped, exhausted lips and mouthpiece changes, I took some time off to prepare for the recordings I'm making this weekend. We had our lesson yesterday afternoon, and after some minor tweaking, he said that it was the best he's ever heard me play.
That all being said, compliments feel good. And with the most recent handful I've gotten this week, I'm raring to go and get these recordings done so I can get on with this process! Wish me luck, this could be quite an adventure.
~Allison
Friday, October 3, 2014
A darkness to move through
It's not often anymore that I feel like sharing with the rest of the world what's going on in my life. It's even less often when it's not optimistic or happy. Then there are the moments where I realize that it's healthier to admit that my life isn't the postcard you see on my facebook profile, and that I really am your average 20-something who is struggling to make it in this world.
I knew, when I got a degree in music, that I was walking into a long span of money being tight. I knew that I'd never be allowed to whine or complain about my wages or job, because the moment I stepped up and said anything, someone would turn around and tell me how I should have majored in engineering or one of the sciences. It's worn on me for the last year and a half as I've transitioned into a working adult from the world of academia.
Well, I've learned a lot from being an adult so far. And you know? I've come to determine it's not about the fact that I'm a musician that makes me broke. When I get gigs, they are fantastic bonuses that go straight to savings, or can pay off a credit card, or put groceries on the tables for a couple months. No, it's not being a musician. It's just the point I am in my life and career that means being broke, for some reason. You see, I haven't started my career. I have a full-time job, and I practice (what feels like) all the time. But I can't say that I'm a professional musician, because that chapter of my life hasn't begun.
Meanwhile, the job that I have to keep a roof over my head and food on my table is only barely doing that. Without going into too much detail, I'm being underpaid for the position I'm in, and while my team has been fighting for all of us to get pay that actually supports the cost of living in this city, it's not a quick process. So instead of telling you with a huge smile on my face that I love my job, and have a great life, fantastic apartment, free transportation, etc., let me paint the picture that actually reflects reality.
I don't make what my housemates refer to as a "real adult wage" ($13/hour), and I have two roommates to be able to afford my two-bedroom apartment. I live in the midst of the loudest part of a college campus neighborhood because the rent is cheaper, even though it means sacrificing sleep. I have free transportation because there's no way in hell I can afford a car. I can't really get gigs (and don't put myself out there for them) because most of the time I can't get there by bus...or I can't in any reasonable amount of time. I haven't really bought anything "fun" in months, because any time I drop $20 on something, I end up unable to pay for groceries for a week or so. My medical benefits are great, except they don't cover a couple items (that really shouldn't affect the general population) such as splints to help my tendinitis in my wrists. I'm scrambling to find $200 to pay that bill. $35 for the copay for medication that helps me do my job doesn't seem like much to pay each month, until you factor that that's a week or so worth of groceries.
I'm going out of my mind, but I'm too stubborn and proud to ask for help. Also, because if I ask, I know that someone out there will tell me that I should have gotten a different degree. Or should pick up a second job. By the way, can't start working part-time at Starbucks (or something else that might fit around my full-time job) because that kills my practice time. Did I mention that I'm still trying to get that career off the ground?
I am surviving. I haven't given up hope. But I'm exhausted, and tired of fighting my paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyle. Tired of finally having a small lump of cash saved up, only to have something happen, like a root canal, which wipes out everything.
I'm just tired.
“You need to spend time crawling alone through shadows to truly appreciate what it is to stand in the sun.” Shaun Hick
I knew, when I got a degree in music, that I was walking into a long span of money being tight. I knew that I'd never be allowed to whine or complain about my wages or job, because the moment I stepped up and said anything, someone would turn around and tell me how I should have majored in engineering or one of the sciences. It's worn on me for the last year and a half as I've transitioned into a working adult from the world of academia.
Well, I've learned a lot from being an adult so far. And you know? I've come to determine it's not about the fact that I'm a musician that makes me broke. When I get gigs, they are fantastic bonuses that go straight to savings, or can pay off a credit card, or put groceries on the tables for a couple months. No, it's not being a musician. It's just the point I am in my life and career that means being broke, for some reason. You see, I haven't started my career. I have a full-time job, and I practice (what feels like) all the time. But I can't say that I'm a professional musician, because that chapter of my life hasn't begun.
Meanwhile, the job that I have to keep a roof over my head and food on my table is only barely doing that. Without going into too much detail, I'm being underpaid for the position I'm in, and while my team has been fighting for all of us to get pay that actually supports the cost of living in this city, it's not a quick process. So instead of telling you with a huge smile on my face that I love my job, and have a great life, fantastic apartment, free transportation, etc., let me paint the picture that actually reflects reality.
I don't make what my housemates refer to as a "real adult wage" ($13/hour), and I have two roommates to be able to afford my two-bedroom apartment. I live in the midst of the loudest part of a college campus neighborhood because the rent is cheaper, even though it means sacrificing sleep. I have free transportation because there's no way in hell I can afford a car. I can't really get gigs (and don't put myself out there for them) because most of the time I can't get there by bus...or I can't in any reasonable amount of time. I haven't really bought anything "fun" in months, because any time I drop $20 on something, I end up unable to pay for groceries for a week or so. My medical benefits are great, except they don't cover a couple items (that really shouldn't affect the general population) such as splints to help my tendinitis in my wrists. I'm scrambling to find $200 to pay that bill. $35 for the copay for medication that helps me do my job doesn't seem like much to pay each month, until you factor that that's a week or so worth of groceries.
I'm going out of my mind, but I'm too stubborn and proud to ask for help. Also, because if I ask, I know that someone out there will tell me that I should have gotten a different degree. Or should pick up a second job. By the way, can't start working part-time at Starbucks (or something else that might fit around my full-time job) because that kills my practice time. Did I mention that I'm still trying to get that career off the ground?
I am surviving. I haven't given up hope. But I'm exhausted, and tired of fighting my paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyle. Tired of finally having a small lump of cash saved up, only to have something happen, like a root canal, which wipes out everything.
I'm just tired.
“You need to spend time crawling alone through shadows to truly appreciate what it is to stand in the sun.” Shaun Hick
Monday, July 14, 2014
The great Facebook hiatus
It's true. I'm taking a break from facebook. I didn't want to make a big fuss of it, since whenever I see anyone else do that, it always seems to be more of a cry for attention than actually related to their own good. Personally, my own hiatus is related to a discussion I had with Chris over how much time I was spending on it, and how little good it was doing for my mental health. So, I'm taking a couple weeks off, and seeing what happens. We're on day two currently, and I already feel much better. I've started taking the time to text people to hang out and reconnect, because I don't know if they're busy, and therefore, I'm not worried about asking.
Meanwhile, I've also finished another big project that I'm rather proud of: My first, official, totally handspun sweater for me!
It's going to be my summer layer for the office, since it's too hot to wear a jacket outside, but too cold to wear summery clothes inside. And since it includes so many colors, I can wear it with pretty much anything! I also got to show it to my sister, who recently began to knit, and she was positively tickled!
Timing was excellent also. I finished tucking all the loose ends this morning, then headed to the post office to pick up my next shipment of fiber, which will become this sweater:
Can't tell you all how excited I am! My blue fiber is a tad darker, but I think it will end up just lovely. I never thought I'd love knitting sweaters, but here I am, about to start spinning the yarn for sweater #3. Chris may never get another sweater, though, now that I've seen how quickly sweaters knit up in pixie size!
On the work front, lots has changed that has made the work environment much more friendly. New management, the brief pause between seasons, and less time spent on the phone. It's a lovely break, though the days do tend to drag on a bit when you're simply waiting around for the phone to ring. That's how I got the most recent sweater finished so quickly; lots of time between calls that I didn't want to spend just hanging out on the internet.
I've also had a resurgence in my tendinitis. I went to the doctor last week and had it officially diagnosed in my wrists (it had been diagnosed via MRI in my shoulders, and then a few years later in my ankles, so I always assumed that my wrist problems were tendinitis). Looks like it's back to wearing braces for a while, though I'm working with my employer to see if there's a way to get the specialized braces through them instead of going through insurance and whatnot. Hoping there will be relief soon!
Fortunately, this week only will be a three day work week, as I'm taking a vacation day tomorrow to move into my new apartment (yay, not being "homeless" crashing at my wonderful aunt and uncle's house!), and we have a special day off on Saturday where the office is getting painted. All good things.
Now, before my wrists give up on me, I probably should go. Besides, I have some (more, *sigh*) packing to do to get ready for tomorrow. Whee!!!
~Allison
Meanwhile, I've also finished another big project that I'm rather proud of: My first, official, totally handspun sweater for me!
Timing was excellent also. I finished tucking all the loose ends this morning, then headed to the post office to pick up my next shipment of fiber, which will become this sweater:
Can't tell you all how excited I am! My blue fiber is a tad darker, but I think it will end up just lovely. I never thought I'd love knitting sweaters, but here I am, about to start spinning the yarn for sweater #3. Chris may never get another sweater, though, now that I've seen how quickly sweaters knit up in pixie size!
On the work front, lots has changed that has made the work environment much more friendly. New management, the brief pause between seasons, and less time spent on the phone. It's a lovely break, though the days do tend to drag on a bit when you're simply waiting around for the phone to ring. That's how I got the most recent sweater finished so quickly; lots of time between calls that I didn't want to spend just hanging out on the internet.
I've also had a resurgence in my tendinitis. I went to the doctor last week and had it officially diagnosed in my wrists (it had been diagnosed via MRI in my shoulders, and then a few years later in my ankles, so I always assumed that my wrist problems were tendinitis). Looks like it's back to wearing braces for a while, though I'm working with my employer to see if there's a way to get the specialized braces through them instead of going through insurance and whatnot. Hoping there will be relief soon!
Fortunately, this week only will be a three day work week, as I'm taking a vacation day tomorrow to move into my new apartment (yay, not being "homeless" crashing at my wonderful aunt and uncle's house!), and we have a special day off on Saturday where the office is getting painted. All good things.
Now, before my wrists give up on me, I probably should go. Besides, I have some (more, *sigh*) packing to do to get ready for tomorrow. Whee!!!
~Allison
Friday, June 6, 2014
Where tragedy meets community
It's been a surreal 26 hours. Yesterday, a lone man in his 20s decided to walk onto my college campus into the engineering building and pull out a shotgun. He injured four students, one of them fatally, before another student pepper sprayed him and disarmed him when he stopped to reload. The student who died was a freshman, only nineteen years old. I didn't know any of the victims personally, though I had a couple general education classes with the student who stopped the shooter.
I didn't find out right away what was happening. I was at work downtown, and wasn't paying attention to my computer or my phone. It wasn't until a coworker asked if my boyfriend went to school at SPU and if he was okay that I heard the news. I already had texts from Chris stating that he was okay and locked in one of the music buildings. I stayed glued to my phone and computer for the next hour of work, before the death of Paul Lee made me decide that I needed to go home. I've never wanted to hold Chris more, or more tightly, than I did yesterday.
I've stayed glued to my phone and computer ever since finding out that there had been a shooting. I took today off of work so that I could be home to spend time with Chris, begin to really comprehend everything that happened, and go to campus to be with friends and faculty. I have never been so glad to be part of the SPU community than today.
I got to campus just after the prayer service let out. There were groups of students and faculty scattered around Tiffany Loop, sitting, standing, talking, praying...no one alone. Any time I ran into someone I knew, we hugged and reiterated how unreal this all felt. As I walked towards the music buildings, I stopped to pet some therapy dogs that had come to campus specifically for the students. I found out later than one of the SPU students reached out to the Queen Anne neighborhood in the local newsletter and requested that neighbors walk their dogs through campus so the students could have an opportunity to share that special bond dogs have with people.
Crawford Music Building was totally open to everyone, with doors propped open to the outside, professor's office doors open, but it was still quiet. You could hear hints of people playing music in the practice rooms. I headed over to Beegle Hall (the other music building) to where a bunch of music majors, past and present, were gathered to make music together. I was glad I had my horn with me. I've never tried improvising on horn, but today it was the only outlet I had for everything I was feeling. I know many people would find their voice to be more personal, but I just needed to have access to that full huge range I can only get when playing horn. Something about pedal tones being comforting, I guess.
It was beautiful. Some recordings were taken, so I hope later to post some of them. It wasn't complex music. We usually vamped through two chords, picking phrases to repeat, or simply vocalizing over the chords. People played percussion instruments, guitar, piano, and clarinet. There is nothing like the experience of pure interactive creation and improvisation with other musicians. Was it perfect? No. But it was exactly what we needed: an outlet for our emotions. We prayed, hugged, sat in silence, cried, even laughed a little. Afterwards, a small group of us went for a walk along the canal and talked together.
Is everything better? No, and I don't think it will be any time soon. Was there healing today? Yes, and lots of it. This community, and this city, have to come together on a level that is unbelievable. The feeling of security our campus once had is now gone, shattered in just a few minutes by a man with a gun, but the immense power of a small school's community and faith have only become stronger and more intense in the aftermath. We are together in this. We will support each other and all those affected by what has happened, especially the families and friends of the victims.
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
I didn't find out right away what was happening. I was at work downtown, and wasn't paying attention to my computer or my phone. It wasn't until a coworker asked if my boyfriend went to school at SPU and if he was okay that I heard the news. I already had texts from Chris stating that he was okay and locked in one of the music buildings. I stayed glued to my phone and computer for the next hour of work, before the death of Paul Lee made me decide that I needed to go home. I've never wanted to hold Chris more, or more tightly, than I did yesterday.
I've stayed glued to my phone and computer ever since finding out that there had been a shooting. I took today off of work so that I could be home to spend time with Chris, begin to really comprehend everything that happened, and go to campus to be with friends and faculty. I have never been so glad to be part of the SPU community than today.
I got to campus just after the prayer service let out. There were groups of students and faculty scattered around Tiffany Loop, sitting, standing, talking, praying...no one alone. Any time I ran into someone I knew, we hugged and reiterated how unreal this all felt. As I walked towards the music buildings, I stopped to pet some therapy dogs that had come to campus specifically for the students. I found out later than one of the SPU students reached out to the Queen Anne neighborhood in the local newsletter and requested that neighbors walk their dogs through campus so the students could have an opportunity to share that special bond dogs have with people.
Crawford Music Building was totally open to everyone, with doors propped open to the outside, professor's office doors open, but it was still quiet. You could hear hints of people playing music in the practice rooms. I headed over to Beegle Hall (the other music building) to where a bunch of music majors, past and present, were gathered to make music together. I was glad I had my horn with me. I've never tried improvising on horn, but today it was the only outlet I had for everything I was feeling. I know many people would find their voice to be more personal, but I just needed to have access to that full huge range I can only get when playing horn. Something about pedal tones being comforting, I guess.
It was beautiful. Some recordings were taken, so I hope later to post some of them. It wasn't complex music. We usually vamped through two chords, picking phrases to repeat, or simply vocalizing over the chords. People played percussion instruments, guitar, piano, and clarinet. There is nothing like the experience of pure interactive creation and improvisation with other musicians. Was it perfect? No. But it was exactly what we needed: an outlet for our emotions. We prayed, hugged, sat in silence, cried, even laughed a little. Afterwards, a small group of us went for a walk along the canal and talked together.
Is everything better? No, and I don't think it will be any time soon. Was there healing today? Yes, and lots of it. This community, and this city, have to come together on a level that is unbelievable. The feeling of security our campus once had is now gone, shattered in just a few minutes by a man with a gun, but the immense power of a small school's community and faith have only become stronger and more intense in the aftermath. We are together in this. We will support each other and all those affected by what has happened, especially the families and friends of the victims.
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Just another female voice in the crowd...
The last week or so has been really tough when it comes to the news. A guy who was my age decided that because (and I'm paraphrasing here) he couldn't get laid, and his head was totally twisted, that it was a good idea to go on a shooting rampage on a college campus to get back at the entire female population.
Now, there are a lot of places I can go with this. I could talk about what it's like to be a woman in our society, dealing with the catcalls and being hit on, even at my workplace. I could go on about gun control and whether it's a good or bad idea. I could try to go off about feminism and equal rights for both genders. I could talk about the mental health crisis in this country.
I'm not certain where I want to go with all of this, except to say that the latest mass murder in our country has put me on edge. I look at the websites I frequent, read the comments (which I highly discourage. Reading the comments on any major forum, especially news sites, has a tendency to depress.), and realize that my country has somehow gotten itself all mixed up.
I'm a redditor. I love lurking around, reading AMAs and looking at cute pictures of kittens. I'm fascinated to get to hear opinions and conversations from people who aren't just American, and who have really interesting thoughts about the current events going on in the U.S, and in general about our culture. There's a dark side to Reddit, too. Because it's an anonymous forum, you will come face-to-face with disturbing amounts of misogyny, racism, sexism, and blatant disregard for other human beings. And, yes, there are a ton of people on different threads that will lament how they're single and not getting laid.
As a female, it would be wonderful if I could walk across a street and either hear nothing at all, or have the guy who needs to assert his dominance yell something about how lovely I look today, rather than, "OOOOWW! DAMN WHAT A NICE ASS!" Nope, I take it back. I don't want the compliments, in any form, I really would rather just be left alone. I'd like to not worry about the consequences of having a job that sometimes means taking public transportation at 10 pm on a Friday or Saturday night and having to walk by myself to transfer buses. I hate that I had to ask my housemates to limit where we look for our next apartment to areas that wouldn't make me feel like I need to have pepper spray, a knife, or to conceal carry.
I also would love to live in a country that identifies and TREATS those with mental health issues. The kid who went murdering girls at his university was clearly unhinged, to the point where his parents and therapist called the cops because they were afraid of what he'd do. The cops said he seemed fine, and now six people are dead. Seven if you count the shooter.
And what makes it real to me is that I've had a guy freak out on me using words that this guy used. A person who decided that even though I said no, I wasn't interested in any physical relationship with them, that they needed to force me into it because I "promised" at some point in time months earlier. No means no. There's no ifs, ands, or buts to that. He ended up blackmailing me, faking a panic attack, and labeling me as just another one of "those girls" who are "teases" and are the reason why he was still a virgin. Was it terrifying? Absolutely. It didn't matter that I was being told these things via phone call and (after deciding I didn't want to hear those things any more and hung up) text message. It didn't matter that I was in a secured area where he couldn't get to me. I was scared out of my mind, because I've never witnessed such behavior. He was blocked through every method I could think of (social media, texts, and phone calls), but the thought of coming into contact with him ever again is horrifying. (To the point that I've described him to coworkers if he ever decided to pay a visit to my workplace)
No one should have to deal with this. Innocent people shouldn't be dying because some mentally disturbed, misogynistic asshole gets access to a weapon and goes out to get revenge.
It's a scary world out there.
Now, there are a lot of places I can go with this. I could talk about what it's like to be a woman in our society, dealing with the catcalls and being hit on, even at my workplace. I could go on about gun control and whether it's a good or bad idea. I could try to go off about feminism and equal rights for both genders. I could talk about the mental health crisis in this country.
I'm not certain where I want to go with all of this, except to say that the latest mass murder in our country has put me on edge. I look at the websites I frequent, read the comments (which I highly discourage. Reading the comments on any major forum, especially news sites, has a tendency to depress.), and realize that my country has somehow gotten itself all mixed up.
I'm a redditor. I love lurking around, reading AMAs and looking at cute pictures of kittens. I'm fascinated to get to hear opinions and conversations from people who aren't just American, and who have really interesting thoughts about the current events going on in the U.S, and in general about our culture. There's a dark side to Reddit, too. Because it's an anonymous forum, you will come face-to-face with disturbing amounts of misogyny, racism, sexism, and blatant disregard for other human beings. And, yes, there are a ton of people on different threads that will lament how they're single and not getting laid.
As a female, it would be wonderful if I could walk across a street and either hear nothing at all, or have the guy who needs to assert his dominance yell something about how lovely I look today, rather than, "OOOOWW! DAMN WHAT A NICE ASS!" Nope, I take it back. I don't want the compliments, in any form, I really would rather just be left alone. I'd like to not worry about the consequences of having a job that sometimes means taking public transportation at 10 pm on a Friday or Saturday night and having to walk by myself to transfer buses. I hate that I had to ask my housemates to limit where we look for our next apartment to areas that wouldn't make me feel like I need to have pepper spray, a knife, or to conceal carry.
I also would love to live in a country that identifies and TREATS those with mental health issues. The kid who went murdering girls at his university was clearly unhinged, to the point where his parents and therapist called the cops because they were afraid of what he'd do. The cops said he seemed fine, and now six people are dead. Seven if you count the shooter.
And what makes it real to me is that I've had a guy freak out on me using words that this guy used. A person who decided that even though I said no, I wasn't interested in any physical relationship with them, that they needed to force me into it because I "promised" at some point in time months earlier. No means no. There's no ifs, ands, or buts to that. He ended up blackmailing me, faking a panic attack, and labeling me as just another one of "those girls" who are "teases" and are the reason why he was still a virgin. Was it terrifying? Absolutely. It didn't matter that I was being told these things via phone call and (after deciding I didn't want to hear those things any more and hung up) text message. It didn't matter that I was in a secured area where he couldn't get to me. I was scared out of my mind, because I've never witnessed such behavior. He was blocked through every method I could think of (social media, texts, and phone calls), but the thought of coming into contact with him ever again is horrifying. (To the point that I've described him to coworkers if he ever decided to pay a visit to my workplace)
No one should have to deal with this. Innocent people shouldn't be dying because some mentally disturbed, misogynistic asshole gets access to a weapon and goes out to get revenge.
It's a scary world out there.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Finding direction and moving forward
It's been a crazy couple of weeks in my life. Not in the running around with tons to do type, like in college, but rather the type of week that fills up every ounce of free time with chores like paying bills and prioritizing money usage. Stressful, but not unmanageable.
My lesson yesterday also went very well. I walked in with nothing specific prepared, as being sick had made us skip a lesson and it was time for something new. I made a point to ask for a game plan for the next year leading up to grad school auditions (part deux) as well as more to work on specifically on a day-to-day basis. We agreed that I haven't been practicing enough (as always these days it seems), but my Lent goal is to practice every single day. We modified it to be a minimum of two hours every day but Sunday, where I should practice as much as I can, but I'm allowed to do just an hour if my face is tired. We're going to get me back in shape! I'm also facing another three months of focusing on the fundamentals of my playing, since I have (as he put it) "a very nice box that [my] playing fits in, but it needs more tools and features to it." Lots of long tones, lots of range building, and lots of etudes. It's going to be a long few months, but only good things can come out of it.
In the home life, there's a new housemate at our place, which has made for a fun change, and led to lots of (very, very needed) cleaning of common areas like the living room and kitchen. The only sad thing in all of this was the information that our landlord is selling the house at the end of the lease this summer. It was really nice to feel settled and have a real house for the first time since going away for college, and now it looks like I may be back to apartment dwelling soon. I like my free laundry...
Whining aside, life is going well. I'm busy and seemingly always checking my planner to make sure events aren't overlapping. Work has settled into less insanity and is instead just steady. Clearly I'm blogging right now, so it's not horrendous! The weather has finally started acting like spring here in Seattle, which means I'm fairly close to throwing off the wool pea coat for something lighter and less cumbersome. I finished knitting a pretty shawl for the summer months just a few days ago, and in general, I'm ready for the summer. I know I need to keep reminding myself that I'll still be working full-time then, but there's that instinct that life will be so much easier then.
Now, it's time to run and do the next thing on my list for this week: making a list of all the schools that have peaked my interest for grad school. I'm glad that I've learned the process and can say I'm starting almost 6 months earlier this time than I did last year!
~Allison
Thanks to my first independent tax return, I was able to completely pay off my horn (hallelujah!) and get ahead on rent payments. Money was all balanced, and then the hammer fell: two months worth of loan payments hadn't gone through. I apparently can't type my bank account number, so it was my fault, but there was no big red flag saying that the payments hadn't gone through. It's no wonder most of my friends complain about loans; I'm not worried about the cost of the payments themselves, but the process and the issues I've had with it. Oh well...we're getting there!
Meanwhile, I got to feel like a college student for a day or two: two concerts in two nights! The orchestra concert was on Thursday night. I wasn't totally happy with my playing. I still haven't gotten used to working a full day, then turning around and being a musician. It wasn't bad, but felt phoned in.
The women's choir concert the next night felt great! I had mis-transposed one of the parts in practice, but was able to fix it upon realization. Something about my brain thinking it would be horn in G, but was actually in F#. Blech. The concert went swimmingly, and my favorite piece of the three I accompanied was the best. All in all, I felt like there's hope for my playing.
My lesson yesterday also went very well. I walked in with nothing specific prepared, as being sick had made us skip a lesson and it was time for something new. I made a point to ask for a game plan for the next year leading up to grad school auditions (part deux) as well as more to work on specifically on a day-to-day basis. We agreed that I haven't been practicing enough (as always these days it seems), but my Lent goal is to practice every single day. We modified it to be a minimum of two hours every day but Sunday, where I should practice as much as I can, but I'm allowed to do just an hour if my face is tired. We're going to get me back in shape! I'm also facing another three months of focusing on the fundamentals of my playing, since I have (as he put it) "a very nice box that [my] playing fits in, but it needs more tools and features to it." Lots of long tones, lots of range building, and lots of etudes. It's going to be a long few months, but only good things can come out of it.
In the home life, there's a new housemate at our place, which has made for a fun change, and led to lots of (very, very needed) cleaning of common areas like the living room and kitchen. The only sad thing in all of this was the information that our landlord is selling the house at the end of the lease this summer. It was really nice to feel settled and have a real house for the first time since going away for college, and now it looks like I may be back to apartment dwelling soon. I like my free laundry...
Whining aside, life is going well. I'm busy and seemingly always checking my planner to make sure events aren't overlapping. Work has settled into less insanity and is instead just steady. Clearly I'm blogging right now, so it's not horrendous! The weather has finally started acting like spring here in Seattle, which means I'm fairly close to throwing off the wool pea coat for something lighter and less cumbersome. I finished knitting a pretty shawl for the summer months just a few days ago, and in general, I'm ready for the summer. I know I need to keep reminding myself that I'll still be working full-time then, but there's that instinct that life will be so much easier then.
Now, it's time to run and do the next thing on my list for this week: making a list of all the schools that have peaked my interest for grad school. I'm glad that I've learned the process and can say I'm starting almost 6 months earlier this time than I did last year!
~Allison
Sunday, February 23, 2014
The struggle of faith and other bits of life
Today was the first day in a few weeks that I've gotten to go to mass. A couple weeks ago, all the bus routes were on snow routes, and it would have been close to impossible to make it up to church; last week I was sick, and doing everything I could to get better. It was lovely going back, and the homily was on the section of text in Matthew that can be summed up by the Golden Rule. The priest was quick to point out that though the text talks about loving our enemies, that doesn't just include those groups of people far away in distant lands that wish us harm, but rather, includes family, friends, and anyone who you've given the power to hurt you.
Today has thus been a big day on reflection of my faith, since I've really not thought about it recently. I'm Christian, but do I live my life that way? The problem I've found, unfortunately, is that those that I know who openly talk about their prayers and how God is working in their lives are also the ones who have the sharpest of tongues, and cruelest of actions towards others. The moment I hear someone start discussing their prayer habits, I've now learned to keep my distance, because if I let them too close, they'll hurt me. It's a terrible conundrum. But, on the other hand, I have a friend who doesn't talk about it, but goes to church every Sunday, and prays every day, without fail. They don't mention it, and don't state that every one of their achievements is only thanks to God. I have outrageous amounts of respect for them.
So what does this mean for my faith? I guess it's that I don't want to talk about it very much. This probably will be the most in-depth look at where I stand currently on a public front. I want to learn to pray more. I want to learn to live my faith in a quiet way. I don't ever want to be another poster child for why Christians are cruel people who are openly hypocritical by thanking God in one breath, and tearing their acquaintances apart in another.
Meanwhile, work is stressful, due to the time of year, and still being understaffed. On the upside, there's an in-house competition going on related to subscription renewals, and as of this weekend, I'm in the lead by nearly two thousand dollars. I jokingly called it an asinine competition last night, but as the reigning champion, I'm a little more inspired to work towards that first prize. I mentioned to Chris that it might mean a steak dinner sooner than later if I win!
I've been sick for weeks. I'm either on round two or three of being sick, and I've forgotten what my voice sounds like without nasal congestion. (Don't get me wrong, I've taken decongestants...barely any change) I'll probably go back into the doctor again this week, considering it's been over a week since I was prescribed antibiotics, and I'm still under the weather, now with horrible headaches. I've never been so glad to have health insurance.
In spite of all the craziness, I'm still pretty happy with life. I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and a means of transportation, as spotty and somewhat inconsistent as it can be. I'm looking forward to getting my face back in shape for horn, as being sick has inhibited my practicing for the last week or so. Time to get through the coughing, considering I have a concert coming up soon!
'Til the next time,
Allison
Today has thus been a big day on reflection of my faith, since I've really not thought about it recently. I'm Christian, but do I live my life that way? The problem I've found, unfortunately, is that those that I know who openly talk about their prayers and how God is working in their lives are also the ones who have the sharpest of tongues, and cruelest of actions towards others. The moment I hear someone start discussing their prayer habits, I've now learned to keep my distance, because if I let them too close, they'll hurt me. It's a terrible conundrum. But, on the other hand, I have a friend who doesn't talk about it, but goes to church every Sunday, and prays every day, without fail. They don't mention it, and don't state that every one of their achievements is only thanks to God. I have outrageous amounts of respect for them.
So what does this mean for my faith? I guess it's that I don't want to talk about it very much. This probably will be the most in-depth look at where I stand currently on a public front. I want to learn to pray more. I want to learn to live my faith in a quiet way. I don't ever want to be another poster child for why Christians are cruel people who are openly hypocritical by thanking God in one breath, and tearing their acquaintances apart in another.
Meanwhile, work is stressful, due to the time of year, and still being understaffed. On the upside, there's an in-house competition going on related to subscription renewals, and as of this weekend, I'm in the lead by nearly two thousand dollars. I jokingly called it an asinine competition last night, but as the reigning champion, I'm a little more inspired to work towards that first prize. I mentioned to Chris that it might mean a steak dinner sooner than later if I win!
I've been sick for weeks. I'm either on round two or three of being sick, and I've forgotten what my voice sounds like without nasal congestion. (Don't get me wrong, I've taken decongestants...barely any change) I'll probably go back into the doctor again this week, considering it's been over a week since I was prescribed antibiotics, and I'm still under the weather, now with horrible headaches. I've never been so glad to have health insurance.
In spite of all the craziness, I'm still pretty happy with life. I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and a means of transportation, as spotty and somewhat inconsistent as it can be. I'm looking forward to getting my face back in shape for horn, as being sick has inhibited my practicing for the last week or so. Time to get through the coughing, considering I have a concert coming up soon!
'Til the next time,
Allison
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
2013 in review; looking forward to 2014I
What a year. Facebook likes to remind you of everything major you posted in the last year. Mine included graduation, my senior recital, my concerto with wind symphony, as well as a few things that I would consider more minor (my pie that I baked for Thanksgiving, really?).
It's been a good 2013, but I'm glad it's 2014. I'm ready to move forward from undergrad and get ready for grad school. I know I have time still, but practicing six days a week is still my goal for the year, and I've been putting money aside from every paycheck for application fees. I got blindsided by those the last time I applied, but no one's catching me by surprise this time! It also managed to be a major limiting factor to which schools I applied for. At about $100 per application, I had to pick my schools carefully, and I didn't do nearly enough research last time. I'm going to work towards affording more applications, as well as keep putting aside money for things like flights to the East Coast.
Meanwhile, loans go into repayment next week. The grace period has been nice, but now it's time to settle down and really plan finances carefully. So far I've been successful in building up a nice buffer. It's been amazing to see my account consistently having money in it. At this point last year, I was pretty far in the red.
I've started spinning again, and I finally figured out the trick I was missing on plying my singles (taking all my skinny yarns and making them all plush like the ones you see at the store basically). A downside of being self-taught, you miss out on obvious things. Apparently while you spin your singles clockwise, to ply multiple singles, you have to spin the wheel counterclockwise. And all this was realized after owning my spinning wheel for six months, and only recently looking up "how to ply on a spinning wheel" on youtube.
I still have my hands full of knitting Chris' sweater, but it's made some real progress up until recently. I had to pause for a couple days while I knit some quick Christmas presents, but my goal is to get it done by the end of the month.
In the meantime, ensembles start up again tonight, and I can't explain how excited I am to start playing with others again. It's going to be a great couple of concerts ahead of me.
Bring it on, 2014. I'm excited to see what you bring.
It's been a good 2013, but I'm glad it's 2014. I'm ready to move forward from undergrad and get ready for grad school. I know I have time still, but practicing six days a week is still my goal for the year, and I've been putting money aside from every paycheck for application fees. I got blindsided by those the last time I applied, but no one's catching me by surprise this time! It also managed to be a major limiting factor to which schools I applied for. At about $100 per application, I had to pick my schools carefully, and I didn't do nearly enough research last time. I'm going to work towards affording more applications, as well as keep putting aside money for things like flights to the East Coast.
Meanwhile, loans go into repayment next week. The grace period has been nice, but now it's time to settle down and really plan finances carefully. So far I've been successful in building up a nice buffer. It's been amazing to see my account consistently having money in it. At this point last year, I was pretty far in the red.
I've started spinning again, and I finally figured out the trick I was missing on plying my singles (taking all my skinny yarns and making them all plush like the ones you see at the store basically). A downside of being self-taught, you miss out on obvious things. Apparently while you spin your singles clockwise, to ply multiple singles, you have to spin the wheel counterclockwise. And all this was realized after owning my spinning wheel for six months, and only recently looking up "how to ply on a spinning wheel" on youtube.
I still have my hands full of knitting Chris' sweater, but it's made some real progress up until recently. I had to pause for a couple days while I knit some quick Christmas presents, but my goal is to get it done by the end of the month.
In the meantime, ensembles start up again tonight, and I can't explain how excited I am to start playing with others again. It's going to be a great couple of concerts ahead of me.
Bring it on, 2014. I'm excited to see what you bring.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
A full-time job, the holidays, and the process of becoming a professional musician
It's halfway through December, and the preparations for the holidays is in full swing. Benaroya looks gorgeous right now, I have to say. There are silver and blue decorated garlands and wreaths everywhere, and every night brings a different holiday-themed production.
It's been fun transitioning to full-time work right as the holidays are coming up. There haven't been many days where I ponder how I'm supposed to fill 35 hours worth of work time, since every week brings new big projects to get done. I most recently was tasked with a rather large project of moving everyone who purchased tickets to a lecture in our smaller hall (~550 seats) into comparable seats in our large auditorium (~2500 seats). Every day is different, but I'm starting to have the occasional work-related dream/nightmare, so I guess that means I'm putting my time in! I'll be a little sad when the new year comes and the box office quiets down before subscription renewal time...there's something fun about trying to keep ahead of all this stuff! Plus, coming to work is my favorite excuse to feel festive with all the decorations.
I wish I had a Christmas tree at home to decorate. Unfortunately, the hose on our vacuum (Mom, I just had to type it both ways to remember if it's two u's or two c's. I'm pointing to you on this one.) decided to rip apart, so for now, we're without one. This led to the decision that getting a live tree, no matter how small, would cause a mess that we would have no way to clean up. It's okay, maybe next year will get to be a festive year!
I think I'm looking forward to New Year's Eve the most of all the holidays this year. While Thanksgiving was a quiet family affair (with delicious food!), and Christmas will most likely be low-key due to being smashed between two work days, NYE looks to prove itself a grand time. I'm hoping to get to go to the concert and after-party that Seattle Symphony is hosting, and also to use it as an excuse to pull out one of my recital gowns. I'll probably be overdressed, but on such an amazing occasion (which starts with the main theme from Star Wars!!!), why not go a little overboard?
It's also amazing to realize that with the new year comes loan repayments, as I've now been out of school for nearly six months. Where has the time gone? While it doesn't exactly feel like yesterday that I was giving my senior recital, I still feel like part of me is waiting for the day I'll be "out in the world." Apparently my brain hasn't realized that has happened. I'm not a student, but I'm not a working professional either...even though I am.
Chris and I had a long discussion over the last few days about what it's like to be out of school and just maintaining a job. It's amazing how much you learn about yourself when you're not spending every waking moment worried about school, life, music, friends, etc. I have a lot more quiet time to sit and think about what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. It's actually a relief to have the chance to really come to terms with what drives me to be a professional classical musician.
I'm definitely a work in progress, but I would hope that's how all of us should be. No one is interesting when they've become stagnant and unwilling to change their ways as they progress in life. I'm enjoying finding out what makes me, me. Results are yet to be determined, but I'm sure someday I'll figure it out! The one adjective I'm beginning to see stand out for me (at least in what other people say) is tenacious. I'm content with that one!
I'm also happy to say that lessons are going well, and that while all my time is spent working on the most basic things, my playing has gotten exponentially better. Funny how you can improve a ton on a wind instrument when you learn how to properly use your air. At my most recent lesson, I think I may have actually impressed my teacher, since I successfully used all the skills we had been working on for the entire lesson and did it with musicality while playing a movement from the first Bach Cello Suite. Paraphrased, he said something to the effect of, "If you can keep that up, you're really close to your goal." I'll take it! Now to get back to the awesome trend of practicing before work and often during my lunch break. It's a slower path to getting on to grad school, but I'm still chugging along!
It's been fun transitioning to full-time work right as the holidays are coming up. There haven't been many days where I ponder how I'm supposed to fill 35 hours worth of work time, since every week brings new big projects to get done. I most recently was tasked with a rather large project of moving everyone who purchased tickets to a lecture in our smaller hall (~550 seats) into comparable seats in our large auditorium (~2500 seats). Every day is different, but I'm starting to have the occasional work-related dream/nightmare, so I guess that means I'm putting my time in! I'll be a little sad when the new year comes and the box office quiets down before subscription renewal time...there's something fun about trying to keep ahead of all this stuff! Plus, coming to work is my favorite excuse to feel festive with all the decorations.
I wish I had a Christmas tree at home to decorate. Unfortunately, the hose on our vacuum (Mom, I just had to type it both ways to remember if it's two u's or two c's. I'm pointing to you on this one.) decided to rip apart, so for now, we're without one. This led to the decision that getting a live tree, no matter how small, would cause a mess that we would have no way to clean up. It's okay, maybe next year will get to be a festive year!
I think I'm looking forward to New Year's Eve the most of all the holidays this year. While Thanksgiving was a quiet family affair (with delicious food!), and Christmas will most likely be low-key due to being smashed between two work days, NYE looks to prove itself a grand time. I'm hoping to get to go to the concert and after-party that Seattle Symphony is hosting, and also to use it as an excuse to pull out one of my recital gowns. I'll probably be overdressed, but on such an amazing occasion (which starts with the main theme from Star Wars!!!), why not go a little overboard?
It's also amazing to realize that with the new year comes loan repayments, as I've now been out of school for nearly six months. Where has the time gone? While it doesn't exactly feel like yesterday that I was giving my senior recital, I still feel like part of me is waiting for the day I'll be "out in the world." Apparently my brain hasn't realized that has happened. I'm not a student, but I'm not a working professional either...even though I am.
Chris and I had a long discussion over the last few days about what it's like to be out of school and just maintaining a job. It's amazing how much you learn about yourself when you're not spending every waking moment worried about school, life, music, friends, etc. I have a lot more quiet time to sit and think about what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. It's actually a relief to have the chance to really come to terms with what drives me to be a professional classical musician.
I'm definitely a work in progress, but I would hope that's how all of us should be. No one is interesting when they've become stagnant and unwilling to change their ways as they progress in life. I'm enjoying finding out what makes me, me. Results are yet to be determined, but I'm sure someday I'll figure it out! The one adjective I'm beginning to see stand out for me (at least in what other people say) is tenacious. I'm content with that one!
I'm also happy to say that lessons are going well, and that while all my time is spent working on the most basic things, my playing has gotten exponentially better. Funny how you can improve a ton on a wind instrument when you learn how to properly use your air. At my most recent lesson, I think I may have actually impressed my teacher, since I successfully used all the skills we had been working on for the entire lesson and did it with musicality while playing a movement from the first Bach Cello Suite. Paraphrased, he said something to the effect of, "If you can keep that up, you're really close to your goal." I'll take it! Now to get back to the awesome trend of practicing before work and often during my lunch break. It's a slower path to getting on to grad school, but I'm still chugging along!
Friday, November 15, 2013
The ups and downs we face
I have exciting news to share:
For the first time in a long while, I am completely out of credit card debt! I was worried that I wouldn't have my debt paid off before student loans kick into gear in January, but at least the most expensive layer of it has been! (I still have money owed for my horn, but that's a manageable amount) I also am proud to report that I cut up the card that has cost me the most money over the last couple years.
The unfortunate other side of the coin is that I just found out what my medical bills will be for an uninsured visit to the ER a couple weeks ago. I'm hoping and praying that there will be financial aid available, and a decent payment plan. Otherwise I will most definitely need to defer loan payments for a few months while I figure this all out.
Have I mentioned adulthood is hard?
~Allison
For the first time in a long while, I am completely out of credit card debt! I was worried that I wouldn't have my debt paid off before student loans kick into gear in January, but at least the most expensive layer of it has been! (I still have money owed for my horn, but that's a manageable amount) I also am proud to report that I cut up the card that has cost me the most money over the last couple years.
The unfortunate other side of the coin is that I just found out what my medical bills will be for an uninsured visit to the ER a couple weeks ago. I'm hoping and praying that there will be financial aid available, and a decent payment plan. Otherwise I will most definitely need to defer loan payments for a few months while I figure this all out.
Have I mentioned adulthood is hard?
~Allison
Saturday, November 9, 2013
More major life changes
It's amazing how much life can just keep changing. In fact, it boggles my mind how many times I've updated my blog this year with a discussion about how life is changing. Perhaps this is normal considering I just finished up college and have joined the real world.
I recently got promoted at my job working in the box office for the symphony. I'm now a full-time employee, which means more hours, plus benefits, a monthly bus pass, and my own desk! I even got a plant for my desk, since I decided it needed a little color.
(Yes, that is a stuffed lobster on the divider between my desk and my coworkers. No, I don't know why it's there...)
This also meant that I have enough income to only have one job. I haven't had nearly enough time to practice my horn, so it will be a relief to know that each week I'll be working a maximum of 40 hours, rather than averaging around 45. It was bittersweet turning in my two-weeks notice at Starbucks, after working there for a year and a half. On one hand, I'll be glad to stop having outrageously early mornings and always looking terrible after getting done with a shift, but on the other hand, I'll miss my coworkers a lot.
Meanwhile, life can be summarized as "always being provided for." Major bills suddenly started popping up, but then I got my tuition payment for grad school refunded. Student loans are looming, but I now have the ability to work one full-time, well-paying job.
I like feeling less stressed, and will enjoy getting all that time to practice so soon! (And knit, and spin, and do everything else I miss getting to do)
~Allison
I recently got promoted at my job working in the box office for the symphony. I'm now a full-time employee, which means more hours, plus benefits, a monthly bus pass, and my own desk! I even got a plant for my desk, since I decided it needed a little color.
This also meant that I have enough income to only have one job. I haven't had nearly enough time to practice my horn, so it will be a relief to know that each week I'll be working a maximum of 40 hours, rather than averaging around 45. It was bittersweet turning in my two-weeks notice at Starbucks, after working there for a year and a half. On one hand, I'll be glad to stop having outrageously early mornings and always looking terrible after getting done with a shift, but on the other hand, I'll miss my coworkers a lot.
Meanwhile, life can be summarized as "always being provided for." Major bills suddenly started popping up, but then I got my tuition payment for grad school refunded. Student loans are looming, but I now have the ability to work one full-time, well-paying job.
I like feeling less stressed, and will enjoy getting all that time to practice so soon! (And knit, and spin, and do everything else I miss getting to do)
~Allison
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Tidbit of the day
I had a nice Australian man pull me aside in Target to ask my opinion on canned pumpkin pie fillings. Apparently as an American, I have discerning tastes. Or at least I would know what the difference was between the two.
Glad to know that my country of birth gives me the knowledge necessary to create a pumpkin pie, but not from scratch. (*laughing*)
Glad to know that my country of birth gives me the knowledge necessary to create a pumpkin pie, but not from scratch. (*laughing*)
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Educating the public
I have AD/HD. I'm not hyperactive; my subset of the condition is primarily inattentive type. I was diagnosed in 7th grade, and tried a couple different types of medications until finding the one that worked best for my needs. I'm pretty open about this, mostly because while I don't think it "defines" me as a person, it does impact how I live my life.
Recently, I found out I would be without medical insurance coverage for about a month. (I also managed to visit a hospital within hours of not having coverage...because that was a good idea :P More on that later) Because of the short notice, I was unable to get prescription coverage for my AD/HD medication, and will not be able to do so until my new coverage from work kicks into effect in December.
I do pretty well making up for not having the meds. I generally do my best to grab a cup of coffee to help me focus at least a little, and to make up for the higher rate of exhaustion that I end up feeling. I make sure to sleep more, to help my brain recharge. And I make sure I always have post-it notes everywhere at work to take notes when tons of information is getting thrown at me at once.
Today, in the bi-monthly meeting at work, I was working to concentrate, and needed something physical to occupy the distracted portions of my brain. I grabbed a pen and a post-it, and started drawing curly cues. My boss, standing beside me, whispered loudly, "Allison, concentrate on the meeting!"
Now, this puts me in a tough spot. Don't get me wrong, I'll keep my mouth shut about the reason why I was doodling, and not retort that I was paying attention. But there is that overwhelming urge to educate said manager that it actually was more distracting for her to reprimand me and distract me from the conversation in the room than it was for my absent-minded drawing. I don't want to make excuses about how my neural synapses send plenty of messages, but that their arrival at their final destination is as reliable as USPS during a snowstorm. (Nothing against postal workers. I think you guys do great work.) I just got frustrated having someone assume that I was zoning out when I was actually doing what I could to concentrate.
A couple years ago, while in college, I had a professor do something similar. She pulled me aside outside of class one day, and made a remark basically telling me how much she disapproved of the fact that I was knitting in her class during lectures. I took the chance to explain to her that during lectures, I find it really hard to pay attention for any length of time, and taking notes ends up derailing me more than keeping me on track. So, I told her, my coping mechanism was to knit something simple and mindless to help keep the rest of my brain going in the right direction. Coincidentally, the class I was taking was Psychology of Music, so I suppose I would have hoped that a psychology/music professor would be understanding. (She was, post-explanation.)
It bothers me when people say that I definitely couldn't be AD/HD, because I'm not bouncing off the walls. Or when someone tells me that they think that it doesn't really exist because some person in their family told them so. Or that the medication is a stupid idea because some person they know who got diagnosed with it found out they could function better without it than with it. Every person is different. Just because a lot of my friends can drink 3 or 4 alcoholic drinks without getting drunk doesn't mean I can, so why would anyone assume that all people with AD/HD would take the same medications, or function the same way.
The world we live in isn't as compromising to different methods of working than it used to be. Look at our school system: Sit still in a desk for 6+ hours a day, with few breaks (especially in secondary school), and being expected to take notes, understand information, and spew it back onto very structured tests. I thrived when I got to college because I got to set my schedule, and my major was a lot more flexible. Now it's back to that world of sitting still for X-amount of hours a day, processing information and spewing it back into the correct format. It's not hard, but it can be challenging, especially without the help of medication to get those messages from the synapses to the receptors.
The point of all of this? If you don't know about the way someone's brain works, don't assume they're purposely ignoring you because they're doodling on a piece of paper. They might actually be doing exactly what they need to do to pay the best attention to you.
Recently, I found out I would be without medical insurance coverage for about a month. (I also managed to visit a hospital within hours of not having coverage...because that was a good idea :P More on that later) Because of the short notice, I was unable to get prescription coverage for my AD/HD medication, and will not be able to do so until my new coverage from work kicks into effect in December.
I do pretty well making up for not having the meds. I generally do my best to grab a cup of coffee to help me focus at least a little, and to make up for the higher rate of exhaustion that I end up feeling. I make sure to sleep more, to help my brain recharge. And I make sure I always have post-it notes everywhere at work to take notes when tons of information is getting thrown at me at once.
Today, in the bi-monthly meeting at work, I was working to concentrate, and needed something physical to occupy the distracted portions of my brain. I grabbed a pen and a post-it, and started drawing curly cues. My boss, standing beside me, whispered loudly, "Allison, concentrate on the meeting!"
Now, this puts me in a tough spot. Don't get me wrong, I'll keep my mouth shut about the reason why I was doodling, and not retort that I was paying attention. But there is that overwhelming urge to educate said manager that it actually was more distracting for her to reprimand me and distract me from the conversation in the room than it was for my absent-minded drawing. I don't want to make excuses about how my neural synapses send plenty of messages, but that their arrival at their final destination is as reliable as USPS during a snowstorm. (Nothing against postal workers. I think you guys do great work.) I just got frustrated having someone assume that I was zoning out when I was actually doing what I could to concentrate.
A couple years ago, while in college, I had a professor do something similar. She pulled me aside outside of class one day, and made a remark basically telling me how much she disapproved of the fact that I was knitting in her class during lectures. I took the chance to explain to her that during lectures, I find it really hard to pay attention for any length of time, and taking notes ends up derailing me more than keeping me on track. So, I told her, my coping mechanism was to knit something simple and mindless to help keep the rest of my brain going in the right direction. Coincidentally, the class I was taking was Psychology of Music, so I suppose I would have hoped that a psychology/music professor would be understanding. (She was, post-explanation.)
It bothers me when people say that I definitely couldn't be AD/HD, because I'm not bouncing off the walls. Or when someone tells me that they think that it doesn't really exist because some person in their family told them so. Or that the medication is a stupid idea because some person they know who got diagnosed with it found out they could function better without it than with it. Every person is different. Just because a lot of my friends can drink 3 or 4 alcoholic drinks without getting drunk doesn't mean I can, so why would anyone assume that all people with AD/HD would take the same medications, or function the same way.
The world we live in isn't as compromising to different methods of working than it used to be. Look at our school system: Sit still in a desk for 6+ hours a day, with few breaks (especially in secondary school), and being expected to take notes, understand information, and spew it back onto very structured tests. I thrived when I got to college because I got to set my schedule, and my major was a lot more flexible. Now it's back to that world of sitting still for X-amount of hours a day, processing information and spewing it back into the correct format. It's not hard, but it can be challenging, especially without the help of medication to get those messages from the synapses to the receptors.
The point of all of this? If you don't know about the way someone's brain works, don't assume they're purposely ignoring you because they're doodling on a piece of paper. They might actually be doing exactly what they need to do to pay the best attention to you.
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